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little cousin needs some advice

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sweetbride09 Posts : 23 Registered: 9/30/07
little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 11:38 AM

ok My little cousin is a bridesmaid in my wedding. She came to my apartment crying.  She is 25 years old and has a 2 going on 3 year old daughter.  Her BF has been promising to ask her to marry him for the past year and a half.  Well Saturday came and he didn't ask her and that was her 5 year anniversary.  I guess she mentioned something to him and he flipped out and told her that when it happens it happens.  He said she picked out too exspensive of a ring.  (mind you when she picked it out he said it was ok and she offered to look at other rings and he said no)  She told me that she is afraid that he doesn't want to commit.  Is my little cousin losing her mind or do you also agree that he doesn't want to commit?  He really has no excuse as to why he can't get her the ring he lives at home and gives no money to his parents to live there and he makes decent money.  Do you think he's afraid to commit or is she just rushing things? 
susan

south_dakota
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

I think he may not be ready.  Your cousin needs to decide what she wants to do.  Does she want to keep waiting until he is ready or does she want to move on with her life. 

There comes a time when you just have to say piss or get off the pot.  Your cousing has to decide when that time comes.


Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

 

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sweetbride09 Posts : 23 Registered: 9/30/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

thats kinda the advice I gave her.  I said if your ready for a commitment and he's not then you need to tell him what you want if its not what he wants then its your choice to wait or move on.  I told her you can't make someone commit in a relationship they have to want to commit in the relationship.  I told her forcing him to get engaged to you may just make things worse.  I do think he needs to shit or get off the pot considering the have a almost 3 year old daughter and he lives at home still.
susan

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UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

agreed that he may not be ready.

Or he doesn't see anything wrong with their relationship right now. He's comfortable with where they are at.

I know someone in a similar situation (except no kids). Dating for 8 years - lived together for 2. Some people told her - why does he have to buy the cow when he already has the milk.

With guys - you never know what's going on in their heads.


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sweetbride09 Posts : 23 Registered: 9/30/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: UltimatePink

Good point Ultimatepink.  I know that he loves her and so does she but maybe he just doesn't feel there is a need to get married like she does.  I just don't know what to tell her.  I know she wants the commitment because of there 2 going on 3 year old daughter and because they have been together for 5 years.  I guess she needs to tell him how she feels....
susan

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Ashleyanne2010 Posts : 447 Registered: 5/3/08
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 2:11 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

I was in a similar situation- we had been together for 5.5 years although, we don't have any kids.  I was at my wits end waiting for a proposal!!! He spent money on so many ridiculous things (tv, ps3, iphone) and said he didn't have money for a ring.  I gave up fighting him on it and gave in to trusting that it would happen at some point like we talked about.  A few months later, he proposed. 

His reasons (I believe) for stalling were two-fold. First, I was so stressed, anxious, and impatient regarding the proposal/engagement and I think I put too much pressure on him. Two, I realize now that there is a huge difference between wanting to marry someone and actually being ready to do it.  I've known since I was 17 that I wanted to marry my FH but was nowhere near ready to. 

Point is, maybe he's feeling pressured and maybe he wants to marry her but just isn't ready yet.

My advice: a serious, calm discussion about where they want to go in life and when they plan to do that.

Good luck to her!

proposal
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sweetbride09 Posts : 23 Registered: 9/30/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 2:23 PM Go to message in response to: Ashleyanne2010

Ya That could be true.  Though it is a little different with a child involved I think that she's at her wits end because he has been promising for over a year and a half.  He kind of jokes about it and for all we know he could be paying on a ring and he couldn't be paying on a ring.  He told her that he was making payments on a ring and she found out that it was a lie and it really upset her about a year ago.  He may be now.  I told her that love is patient and that if she feels he's the one then she needs to be patient and wait.  Her question is how long should she wait...  I don't know what to tell her to do. 
susan

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JessyNChris Posts : 120 Registered: 4/3/08
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 2:23 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

My situation was sort of like hers. But we don't kids. And we have been together for over 10 years. When I did ask him for a ring, he kept telling rings cost too much. He also lives at home, and doesn't pay rent to his mother. I told him I would leave him if he didn't give me ring. He finally did. He had said online that I pushed him into marriage, so now I'm just giving him time to pick our date.

My advice is that she shouldn't say anything about getting married for awhile and see what happens. If nothing happens, then she needs to tell him how she feels.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting  Waiting to be Mrs. Styskal 

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MuffinB Posts : 778 Registered: 7/13/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 2:34 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

Your cousin needs to decide whether she wants to wait until he's ready or not. Crying about it and/or pressuring him to propose will only make things worse. They have a child together so they will be in each other's lives as long as their daughter is alive so they need to get on the same page, pronto.

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

My cousin just got married last year...after almost 20 years and four children with her now husband. Some people just need more time, or just don't feel compelled to marry. If I were her, I'd stop asking for the time being. If he is a good father and a loving boyfriend, things may work themselves out.

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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Ashleyanne2010 Posts : 447 Registered: 5/3/08
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 3:27 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

If her question is how long she should wait then none of us can answer that or give any advice about that.  I know people that wouldn't wait at all and I know people that would wait forever... depends on the person and the relationship.  It sounds like what they need to do is really sit down and have an honest conversation about where things are going and when.  But before that, I would suggest she think about that on her own- how long is she willing to wait?  What would the consequences be for not waiting and is she willing to take those on?  Can she be happy with him and without an engagement?  Why is the engagement so important- is the relationship as it is not enough for her and why? And if so, does she think that an engagement will fix that?  And honestly, if it's over a ring costing too much, that's silly.  Who ever said that you need a ring on your finger to be considered engaged???

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

Do you think he's afraid to commit or is she just rushing things? 

Are you kidding?! Maybe my perspective is a little different from those above, because I'm older, Mom of a grown, married daughter,  and have seen many of these situations. Rushing things? They've been together 5 years, have an almost 3 year old child, and she's "rushing things"? In my book, that's ass-backwards. I have big news for him--he already committed when he unzipped his pants--if not to her, at least to his child. If I were this young lady, I would run as fast as I could from a man in his situation who gives signs that he's "not ready," making sure, of course, that legal arrangements for child support are in place. Or does she need to wait another five years, just to be sure?

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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DawnaCrystal Posts : 990 Registered: 4/7/08
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 25, 2008 10:27 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Okay, let me get this straight. He is how old,makes good money, has a daughter and still lives with his mother? Sounds like he is afraid of alot more than commitment. Like growing up and being a big boy.

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rubyred1 Posts : 970 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 26, 2008 12:24 AM Go to message in response to: DawnaCrystal

Men are strange, if they feel pressured they won't ask.  It has to be on there terms.  However, I agree with PP's that if she doesn't want to wait, she needs to bail.  I understand her wanting to stay because of the child, but she may end up waiting a long time. 

 

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tzu

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UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: little cousin needs some advice
Posted: Jun 26, 2008 12:08 PM Go to message in response to: sweetbride09

ohh, figuring out "how long she should wait" is pretty sticky.

The drama of the lady who does my eyebrows - she has a 4 year old daughter and is living with her daughter's father. She basically gives him a "deadline" almost every year and threatens him she'll leave if he doesn't propose. Years have gone by, and she keeps setting a deadline and threatens. And year after year she has not left him.

She may be setting herself up for a lifetime of waiting.


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