Miserable Wedding

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 10:50 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

Mermaid there are several parts to your story that I can really relate to. While I was planning my sisters wedding her boyfriend had brain cancer. It was a very sad situation and at the end of the 2.5 year battle he died. I am not one who wants everything to be about me but I really just wanted one hour during the time I was engaged to be about me, but everytime something was supposed to happen it didn't and the one wedding event we had was dress shopping was overshadowed by his cancer.

I had attempted 3 times to get my mom and sister together. My mom lives out of town so it takes some planning. When we finally got together the night before we are going to go dress shopping my mom tells me "I know the dress is important to you, but I can't help but tell you I will be thinking about 'D' while we are doing it". Well I really think she could have and should have kept that to herself. I called it off but my mom insisted we go so we did. My sister called that morning and cancelled on me. So while I am on the pedestal in THE dress my mom is on the phone, with my sister of course and I felt like screaming at her "One hour please! Thats all I want out of the whole friggin year is one hour".If something had happened to 'D' on that day then I would have completely understood, but it had not. There was not one single day during that year that would have been a good day and not turned out the same way.  

Prior to this my sister had said she was throwing us an engagement party and when i checked in with her two days before she said "Oh I don't want to do that now. I am going to go out of town instead". Most of my friends had not met the FH as we were a long distance couple. It was new years and everyone already had plans so to this day they haven't met him as I moved to USA to be with him.

Sister also said she would throw shower. Did not happen.

The night before I was moving out of Canada some friends wanted to go for dinner so I said ok. My mom says "Oh your sister has a surprise for you. She has gotten some people together for a send off." I am thinking yippee she finally got something together, but when we get to the restaurant its all her friends. None of my friends were invited. It really wasn't a party for me afterall. So then after dinner my sister says "I know I said I would go to the airport tomorrow but I think I'd rather sleep in" This was the final slap in the face. I was moving out of Canada to the USA and my sister couldn't be bothered to wake up early to say goodbye.

So I moved. It went smoothly except my mom had a total melt down before we went to the airport. She picked a fight and was crying and screaming all the while I am saying "Mom I have to get in a cab and go to the airport now".

I married six days later with none of the 'fixings' and no guests. Although at that point I was so annoyed with my mom and my sister I didn't mind having a break from them. I felt a lot like you did. Just stunned. I hardly remember it at all. It really just felt like a legal obligation to keep me in the country. Not the marriage! But the ceremony. I had so much going on and so much stress at that time that the details of the ceremony were at the bottom of my priority list. It was a really hard day for me. My DH did everything he could to make it special but just leaving the ceremony and not celebrating is hard too.

So you have already seen me over in the vow renewal thread. We are doing it all over again in August! things have smoothed out with my sister. I think she realizes she did not handle things very well. We've rented two houses, one for each immediate family and will redo the ceremony in the brides house. This way we don't have to pay for ceremony venue and our decorating budget is $50. its the first time our families will meet! We are foregoing many traditional elements such as the elaborate flowers, decorations, dj etc so we can provide the accommodation and food for the entire weekend so it will be a wedding-family reunion - vacation. We will be redoing the ceremony and will keep most of our original vows only we will be adding "dearly beloved, we are gathered here today' because this time we will have some dearly beloveds and a gathering. Some people think its wrong to do a re-enactment of the ceremony, but my mom isn't getting a passport and flying 3000 miles just to eat some cake, she wants vows!

So the point of this long ramble is to show you you are not alone in your feelings and if you want to you can redo this and make it what you have dreamed of. I know that when family members are not there it really makes it very difficult. The flowers, the favors, the fancy party isn't that important, but the family is.

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 10:51 AM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

First line should read while I was planning MY WEDDING, sisters boyfriend had cancer, other wise it doesn't make sense at all!

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MermaidBride08 Posts : 554 Registered: 9/26/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that awful drama.

I think that's the main reason I feel so bad for having such a miserable time. I had all the "fixin's", as many family and guests as I could possibly have had(which was only less than 4o ppl, but still) and my mom spent all that money on it all. Not only did she not get to see or enjoy what she paid for, but I hated it. I feel like I'm being so ungrateful and a horrible person.  

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

You're not a horrible person. Your mom means a lot to you and not having her there was rough. I'd probably feel the same way. I hope you got the whole thing on video. When she gets home from the hospital, have a wedding video viewing party with your mom and FH (include the inlaws if you want) and have cake and champagne. This way, your mom will be able to share this with you in some capacity (and it may make her feel really special at the same time).

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 2:13 PM Go to message in response to: Knoxvegas

Oh no, no, no. Something didn't come out right then in my post if it left you feeling like this. I agree with Knoxvegas completely. you are not horrible. Fixings or not your mom wasn't there and thats a big deal. I was also relating to the part about her being sick and how that overshadowed your wedding. Its a tough situation because death and illness always "trump" weddings. Then of course comes along the guilt - oh I shouldn't worry about this wedding stuff when someone is sick. I feel fortunate that I was born with the ability to "compartmentalize" whats going on as in okay now its wedding time so we will focus on that, now thats over so we can go back to the illness or whatever is going on. I feel neither my mom nor my sister can do this so whatever is negative and going on always overshadows what is positive and going on. They just can't ever turn it off and unfortunately this was happening the entire planning process.

I agree again with Knoxvegas about doing something with your mom such as watching the video or if you don't have one or just plain don't like it because you didn't enjoy the day then you and DH could redo your vows, just for your mom. Its already legal so you could have a friend "officiate" and do it in the living room. Or whatever tickles your fancy and makes your mom feel special.

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KitKatBar Posts : 983 Registered: 7/23/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 16, 2008 11:03 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

MermaidBride, you aren't selfish, you just wanted your mom there. It's a completely reasonable thing to want! I'm sorry her friends were so unfeeling towards you. The story about someone saying you know your mom couldn't come was particularly uncalled for. Really, what did they think you were going to do, throw a tantrum? I'm sorry that happened to you, and come here if you ever need to vent. 

 

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MermaidBride08 Posts : 554 Registered: 9/26/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 12:36 AM Go to message in response to: Knoxvegas

Oh! That was another thing that kinda bothered me. My mom's friends already DID throw her a "viewing party". At the hospital without me. One of them(the one who felt the need to remind my my own mother wouldn't be attended) bought an online viewing package from the chapel for my wedding and they all watched it that night and again the next day. That little group didn't even come to my wedding because they were waiting for the video to watch with my mom, then they just "stopped by" the reception and ate and left. none of them even came over to talk to me. They sat in the back by the door, ate and left. I mean WTF!

Lol, sorry for the mini-rant. I tried watching he video myself, but I just couldn't. I got through the processional  before I just had to turn it off. We also got a DVD that just came in the mail and I don't even want to look at it. I just gave it to my mom. What a waste of $250.

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DawnaCrystal Posts : 990 Registered: 4/7/08
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 12:47 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

Hun, I can't even imagine. My mom wasn't/isn't going to be there, but she passed away a few years ago. That is hard enough, what you went through is far worse.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 9:33 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

Sweetie - there is nothing wrong with how you felt on that day. I don't think anyone can say you overreacted, that you were wrong, etc. Hopefully, your vow renewal will go smoother and be the day you deserved to have the first time around.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 10:05 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

WTF is right! These 'friends' of your mom sure sound odd. Who views the wedding without the bride? As far as them stopping by the reception - thats just rude behavior.

I still think your mom will want to watch it with you. I definitely think you need a'do-over' once your mom's health improves and you can plan with her. I would also tell her what her friends did and let her know they will not be invited, involved in or even mentioned during the planning of the vow renewal.

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MermaidBride08 Posts : 554 Registered: 9/26/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

well, all but one of her friends were from out of town, so none of them would even be able to come back this year. I did already tell my mom, and she seemed a bit annoyed, but for the most part, didn't really seem to care much. I think she just sees them as having helped her, not hurting me.

Also, people were fed up with me about the wedding the first time around, so I doubt if I'm even going to tell anyone, much less invite anyone. No one would understand and I'm just plain sick of being mocked. 

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CyclistLover Posts : 1,183 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

We will not mock you!  We send you hugs and can't wait to support/talk about/give suggestions for the renewal of your vows!!  So the important question is - when is the date?  Do you have a dating anniversary coming up?  Or a special occassion - like the first time you told each other "I love you"?

Happiness is a puppy greeting you at the door

AND

Llama Jjamas

 

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MermaidBride08 Posts : 554 Registered: 9/26/06
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: CyclistLover

Well, all the people I know have and would, so yeah.

 I was wanting to do the 8-8-08 thing, but it's probably booked up by now, also my mom will still be going through chemo, so there's a chance she'll get sick again. If 8-8 is booked, then we'll probably do it in October or something.

Honestly, we never had any anniversaries, so I have nothing like that to fall back on. I have no idea when anything happened, except for the first time we kissed, which was at a SuperBowl party(which is no good since we both hate sports. I was forced to go and took him with come for someone to talk to) and the first time we had sex, which we only remember because we thought it was funny that it was April 1. We never went on formal dates up until a few months ago, and we never had a "we're together now" discussion, moment or day. We had initially met on the internet and after we met in person, it was sort of a nonverbal agreement that we were together. when we got engaged is no good either, since not only was that disappointing as well, but it was on my birthday, which was the same month as the wedding anyway.

Sorry for rambling lol 

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CyclistLover Posts : 1,183 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

You mention "booked" so you have a location in mind?  How about 10-10-08 (it's a Friday).  That's kind of a fun date. 

Happiness is a puppy greeting you at the door

AND

Llama Jjamas

 

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JodiMarie Posts : 185 Registered: 3/5/07
Re: Miserable Wedding
Posted: Jun 17, 2008 11:56 AM Go to message in response to: MermaidBride08

Mermaid,

Your not alone in feeling this way. My wedding was a bit of a disappointment as well. I had all these great things planned, spent a year and 1/2 planning them but alot them just didn't happen.  I ended up staying up for 48 hrs straight before my wedding, cooking food, trying to get last mintue details like the programs finished all by myself. Once morning came the day of I was so exhausted. 

We rented a tent, table, chairs everything and made the mistake of saying oh we can set it all up they are delivering it 2 days ahead of time, it will save us $500.00 bucks. Well it would have been worth the $500 to let the rental company do it. It was so much more work than I ever dreamed of. Stringing up 100 pairs of white christmas lights and tulling alone was a one day job. Then we also did our own dance floor, set our own tables etc., it was crazy. Two days wasn't enough and friends ended up having to scramble around at the last minute to get everything set up. Since I couldn't be there ever waking minute to tell everyone how the tables should be set, and what the set up was suppose to be, I had to try to orchestrate it over the phone. When I got to the reception it wasn't exactly the way it was suppose to be.

Here what went wrong:

1. Table runners that mom had made where only on about 1/4 of the tables and some tables had two of them.

2. Cake table had a skirt but nothing on the top of it just a bare table. Somebody tried to decorate it up a bit by placing pebbles meant for the centerpieces around my cake.

3. The groomsmen cake that was suppose to be up by the wedding cake was put way in the back, where nobody even saw it, even though I had set this up myself before I left. As a result husband never got to cut his cake with the sword because we couldn't find the cake.

4. The o hors devours that I spent the whole night before making never made it out nobody knew what they were for, so they stayed in Grandma's fridge.

5. The chocolate fountain was just sitting in pieces on a back table with no chocolate, no big platter of fruit, again noone knew what to do with it.

6. The wonderful grab bags that I had made for the kids and the candy bar were never set out, didn't even find those grab bags until the next day.

7. Our 1/2 hr fireworks show, only lasted 10 min because BM lit both large packs of fireworks at once instead of one at time.

8. I also never did the bouquet toss or garter toss (I didn't even have a garter). 

9. That's just the reception. At the ceremony, the worst thing was one of my BM a good friend ended up not walking down the aisle because she had no dress (my mothers fault). The sleeves to her dress were lost, I told her to walk down in what she was wearing because I didn't care at that point but she refused, she said she didn't want to spoil the look of things. It broke both of our hearts.

10. My flower girls also didn't have a dress, but her mother ended up having a nice little girl dress that she wore.

11. I didn't have a veil despite my mothers feable attempt at coming up with one. My dress was never pressed it was very wrinkly. I also had no garter.

12. My ring bearer's outfit was horrible because my MIL couldn't manage to do a simply vest (really she just waited until the absolute last mintue (the night before to do it) and apparently this little guy didn't even have a nice shirt and pair of pants that he could wear. He ended up with a wrinkly white shirt and pair of old navy pants that were very worn and a poorly made lilac vest with white shoes. He ended up carrying the overly lacy pillow that I didn't like because the one I wanted didn't get done. 

13. My beautiful aisle runner that I was going to hand paint was never done, I ended up with the cheap plastic one that I absolutely hated.

14. My flowers from the florist were ok, but not exactly what I had pictured.

15. The music for before the ceremony was never played because we didn't get the CD to the music guy in time.

16. The programs were never done, so no programs.

17. Also my godmother who I was really looking forward to seeing ended up not being there, I still don't know why? That was a big disappointment. 

The worst part about this was that I stayed up 48 hrs prior to my wedding working my butt off to finish things. When morning came on the day of my wedding I was dirty, exhausted and sobbing uncontrollably until 15 min before walking down the aisle I ended up getting into a fight with my mother and y father and was 1/2 hr late to my own wedding. Oh yeah, I almost forgot that part, in my confusion, I also misplaced the marriage certificate, and in my church we can't get married without it, the deacon would refuse. Another reason of many the ceremony was late and was almost called. Thankfully I found it with 10 minutes to spare. I remeber calling my husband who was dressed and at the church saying lets just elope I don't care at his point I'm done, I don't want to come. He had to convince me to get my butt over there, I really just wanted to run away, I was very close to it.

In the end though I did get to the church, we got married, and the reception ended up being although not picture perfect, more or less what I wanted it to be a nice family friendly party, people danced and had alot of fun. That's what I kept saying I wanted and that's what we got. All of the vendors came through at least, the food was good, the music was perfect and we all danced well into the late hours of the night.

Another huge disappointment was the attitude of my MOH and the fiasco over the shower and bachelorette party. My MOH was a  MOHzilla. She has been my friend since we were literally in diapers but for some reason  she copted a major attitude the entire process, she made it seem as if this was her wedding and wanted everything done her way. I came close to kicking her out and I tell you if it wasn't for our lifetime friendship I wouldn't have hesitated. She made things very, very difficult. The shower the month before wasn't anything to speak of, it was organized poorly and was quite boring. I felt like most of my guests were sitting there looking at each other like ok, what are we suppose to do now and there was very little decoration. The was also a major blow out with the bachelorette party again due to her attitude, I ended up canceling it and two of my bridesmaids took me out for a mini party instead. Needless to say this experience has really got me re-evaluating our friendship, I think I saw sides of my friend I hadn't before I also think she has a problem with jealous  and has an obsessive need for attention and therefore has a hard time being supportive when it counts. She is still my friend but maybe not as good of one as she used to be. One thing is for sure I am never putting her in charge of anything again. She made life very difficult for me and for my other BMs.

I was picturing a picture perfect wedding but instead this is what I got. Nobody's wedding goes smoothly and in the end everyone couldn't stop telling me what a great time they had, so I guess by that measure it was a success. Although now that it is 9 months later I can't help but feeling a little jealous of brides whose wedding was their dream. I definitely feel like I want a do-over. If I did I tell you I would have planned something smaller and wouldn't have tried to do everything myself. I also would have gone with that really cute but daring wedding cake I was too chicken to go with before. 

Oh well, now that I'm married I am looking forward to my husband graduation party in two weeks and my 1st anniversary in Sept. One thing I am doing is to have that great photographer I couldn't afford for the wedding take some nice portraits of husband and me since we never did get engagement photos. Live and Learn! There is more to life than a wedding.

Jodi Maire :0) 


Married Sept 29, 2007, I am now Mrs. Pollack. 7 months of marriage so far and everything is great.

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