Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!

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Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 9:10 PM

Yes.

This is a rant, and you have been warned.

My entire wedding party=FAIL. They've decided yet again to change the color of their dresses, and expected me to go along with it again (it was changed from 'apple' to black, because they could more readily find dresses in that color, and I agreed). This time they want to choose dresses in this god-awful shade of orange (it's not flattering at all... it's like a rotten mango) because they found dresses for $10 that are 'elegant' enough for a wedding. I said no, and my MoH basically bitched at me for it.

I've decided to pay for their dresses now, so I have the color that I originally chose, but I honestly don't want to get them a gift for standing up for me that's over $15 now, considering I have to pay for their dresses ($79 for two BM's, $99 for my MoH). But then I feel like I'm being a b*tch about the issue, and I need help!

Is it wrong to get upset about this issue? I tried to be civil, but I'm getting frustrated at every turn. These girls have already leaked that they're planning a shower, which FH's mother is paying for, so I can't exactly tell them all to 'shove it' and find a new bridal party, without causing a major disruption with my FiL's, seeing as one of the BM's is FSiL and the other is a good friend of the family.


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

 

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

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luckykelleyk Posts : 113 Registered: 7/24/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

I think that getting them a small gift wouldn't be bitchy, technically buying their dresses for them is their gift. Its similar to paying for their hair, or pedi or mani. Im sorry that your bridal party doesn't understand that they are supposed to make your life easier, not harder! 

 


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coastiebride Posts : 1,365 Registered: 3/26/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: luckykelleyk

I'll beat up your bridal party if you do the same to mine! haha I dont blame you for putting your foot down with orange dresses i would too! Y'all are not going hunting after the wedding!! i think it is very nice of you to buy their dresses, and i think personally thats all i would expect from my friends if they bought my BP gown. But if you would like to go ahead and buy something small then that would be ok but i do not think its mandatory. maybe just a nice gift set with beauty supplies 

 Lets not all get caught up in our wedding. Remember we should not only be planning for a our wedding but more so we should be planning for  our marriage. More so then fighting over shades of peach, tuxs, cake flavors and only god knows what else. Because the next morning it is over, guests are gone the flowers have died the cake well lets face it 1/2 of it was tossed out. Cinderella is still a maid, the limo is now a pumpkin And there is life to face ok after wild crazy monkey sex for 7 nights straight, lets not kid out selfs there are priorities After its all gone there's still bills to pay and a job to go back to

Going to the Chapel December 6th 2008

Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 9:51 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Dear Lori,

It's always best to take the High Road when in doubt. Sure, you are "giving" them their dresses. But, face it. When will those "gift" dresses be of any good to them?

What you are really doing is sparing them the expense of buying a special dress for your wedding.

Fair enough.

Now, what about the tradiational "thank you" gift? The only real rule about giving gifts is to give the best you can afford within your budget.

If part of your budget is being shot by the expense of the dresses, then what remains will be the "best you can afford within your budget". See what you can best afford, then buy the nicest presents possible.

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Guest
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 10:26 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Is your wedding you choose the color of the dresses, they have no right to change the color and you dont have to get then a big gift especially if they are acting like that

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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 10:35 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

It's your wedding!  Where does it say that the BP gets to choose the color of the dresses?  I understand if you are trying to be a good friend and all, but you should at least get to choose the colors since it is your wedding!
http://tac.families.com/ezb/1039358.png

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Tabetha9286 Posts : 90 Registered: 5/6/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 12:50 AM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

my brothers wedding - i was a bridesmaid, because of odd circumstances, they bought us our dresses, and that was our gift. And it was great! we were glad we didnt have to cough up the money for it. However, my sister in law did go the extra mile  - and i'm sure she didnt pay much for it.

She went and bought us all matching jewelry, the cheap stuff you can easily find at stores like Clairs Fashion Boutique, and The Icing. Stores with cheap fashion jewelry, and they looked cute!

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Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: Tabetha9286

Thank you, guys.

It's just that I've paid for everything else for the girls, too. Jewelry. Shoes. I'm paying for their hair and my MoH's makeup. I tend to be generous with what money I do have (you can't take it with you, so you might as well share it, right?), and I can't help but wonder if they had this planned from the very start.

They've pitted me against my stepmother, and told me that she 'wasn't interested' in helping plan my Bridal Shower, and said quite a bit of other stuff that was a lie, which only came out the other day when I confronted my StepMother about changing the napkin colors.

She told me that she had been told that was for the Bridal Shower, which is apparently going to be held at the same location as my reception, and not the wedding. It turns out SHE had been given false information, as well... my BP told her I didn't want her involved in anything, which is not true at all.

They told me at the start that they could only afford a little over $100, so I chose dresses that were $90, and then they said that was too expensive. So I told them they could wear black, so they could find something at another store, like Macy's or JC Penny, or even Sears. I offered to let my MoH wear the dress I wore to prom, which is a floor-length black velvet sheath dress (evening wedding in October) and would have been stunning, but she declined. That, and the fact that they're doing this NOW makes me think that they knew I would cave in and buy them the dresses. They're not even paying for the shower; FMiL is, and all she's done if bitch and gripe about paying for it!

Stepmother is hurt, because she's not included in anything. She started crying two nights ago and asked me why I said I didn't want her involved, when I never said that. And because she's hurt, I can understand why she's been so difficult; she thought I was trying to snub her out of the wedding, and put the focus on my biological mother instead, which was never my intention. She's said, and I agree, that she wants me to mention my mother... but my BP told her that I wasn't going to let her sit with my father at the ceremony or reception, something I would never, ever do.

It just seems strange that they expect me to give and give, when they're not willing to help me out at all. I even asked my MoH if I could get a ride to pick up my dress... she said 'no', so I had to try to squeeze my gown into my tiny little Mazda Miata. It's little things like that that bother me. I don't expect them to help me with every little thing, but I do need support in a sense, and I've gotten none of that. The only person who has is my friend who just joined the BP, and she's already gone dress shopping and put a deposit on her gown. Like the other's, I'm paying for her jewelry and shoes, as well as hair... is that enough of a contribution to say 'thank you'?


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

 

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

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DCTexan Posts : 170 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 11:22 AM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Just out of curiousity, why did you pick these women in the first place?  Are they relatives so you felt that you had to choose them?  I just cannot even imagine my bridesmaids (or any of my friends, for that matter) treating me the way yours are treating you. 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: DCTexan

Yeah, I'm with DC on this one...why in the world are these women in your WP? They don't even seem to LIKE you very much, from the way they're treating you.

I wouldn't buy their gowns. I'd say, 'My BMs are going to wear this dress. If you don't like it or can't afford it, you don't have to be in the wedding.' I definitely think buying their gowns, their jewelry, and paying for their hair and makeup is enough. Seriously - you're doing way more for people who don't treat you well than I did for my WONDERFUL bridesmaids. I gave them their jewelry as a gift, and they all loved it. (I also paid for shawls for them to wear over their strapless dresses in the church, and took them out to lunch the day before the wedding...but they paid for everything else they wanted to do themselves. Nothing was required, except for them to buy their gowns, which we all agreed on for style, color, and price) Why not just wrap their jewelry and give that to them as a gift? It's traditional for the bride to give the BMs jewelry anyway.


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Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 11:45 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

My original picks were the current MoH and my cousin, who has since backed out. MoH has always been my best friend, and we're close. Heck, I dogsit her dog and house when she and her family are away. She never displayed any of the behavior I've described until about two months ago. As for the other two BM's, one of them, Deb, is WONDERFUL. She's so helpful, and she's an hour away, so we're not together much.

FSiL is the other BM who is giving me trouble. I asked her because a) I was pressuered into it by FMiL and b) because FH had three guys, so I decided to even things out.

Again, I never had trouble with those two until a few months ago. We got along FAMOUSLY. It was a sudden thing. They just started acting vindictive and self-righteous. I think it may be because I left their church and went to a new one. Whatever the reason, this was all after I had bought the shoes, jewlery, etc, and set up the appointments.

AB, I think I'll take your advice and wrap their jewlery and if they don't like it, too bad.


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

 

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

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BreAnn Posts : 600 Registered: 11/28/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 12:09 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Hey Lori, just a thought here, but you might want to talk to the others about things. You mention that FSIL is giving you trouble. Well, is she the one who lied about your stepmom not wanting to help with the bridal shower, and who told your stepmom that you didn't want her to help with it? If so, your other BMs were possibly lied to by FSIL. Just something you might want to think about!

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Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 12:23 PM Go to message in response to: BreAnn

That's most likely true, however, FSiL lives in Maine... and we're in MA. FSiL isn't coming down until July... which means I can't have a meeting with all of them until she's next down. It really sucks, and I don't want to write them an email, because MoH is the one who said stepmother didn't want to help.

It's tough, but I'm dealing with it.


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

 

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Your gift to them is simply buying their dress now. I think when you agree to be in a wedding at the least you agree to wear whatever the bride asks of you and purchase it yourself, and if you do not like it then you can decline. I would not even try to expect your party to help with showers or anything else considering they cannot even purchase a dress. Unless for some reason they all happen to be hung up on the dresses and they do not like them or feel like they look good in any of them. But it sounds more like a purchasing issue. 

Anyway, your gift to them should be those dresses. Just think of it as a $79 or $99 gift, which I think is more than plenty of money to spend on a gift. I know people on this site have different issues about how much money should be spent on gifts, but I think buying dresses is the most money you should ever spend (obviously unless the dresses end up being $10).

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Kender Posts : 28 Registered: 9/18/07
Re: Rant- Why did I ever choose them?!
Posted: Jun 6, 2008 12:27 AM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Honestly, I think you have done more than enough for your BP. You have been super generous providing things for your BP that many brides wish they could do but aren't able. It is sad that they are treating you so poorly. I feel for you and hope things get better.

Maybe you should have a one on one with MOH. Just ask her how things are going and maybe approach the situation in a non-accusatory manor. How are things going...is everything ok with you...even ask "are we ok?" mention that things have seemed wierd in the past two months...(be careful with that question though - she will probably ask what has been wierd) If you do ask make sure you approach it in "I" statements...I feel upset, worried, etc. Stay away from you did this, you made me feel etc.

Plan out what you want to talk about with her and make each situation non-accusational. That way when you talk and if things steer in a direction you weren't expecting you are able to keep the conversation from becoming an argument and keep her from feeling defensive.

I don't know if any of that will help but maybe you'll find out why she is lashing out. It might be something is going on with her personally and she is unintentionally taking it out on you OR it might be she feels like she is losing you. But talking might make things better.

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