Why wont any one get along?

Online Users: 1,319 guest(s), 1 user(s). Replies: 16

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 11:09 AM

I met my Fh through a friend on a blind date in highschool.  As we got to talking we realized we have never met but are parents are still friends that go back to highschool.  They also had still got together on a regular bases. How perfect is that! our realtionship was so easy and are parents adored us being together. We spent a year apart while at seperate schools then he moved back and we got together again. Things were once again great. Me and my mom have a hard time getting along and not to mentioned she is in that life altering change of being...menopause. Any who she was always hard in me but never in front of other people... until my Fh kyle would be around more. He would hear her putting me down she was trying to take every thing great away including him.  Most recent event she offered to babysitt my puppy a gift from my FH so we could go out. I came home in the mrning to find she gave him away because she felt i wasnt n the place for a dog and should have never gotten one. This dog was my baby I never left him got babysitters if i did..... i can not forgive her but she is my mom and i still talk to her on a regular basis. Meanwhile i moved in with my FH my wedding is coming up in a year they all refuse to speak over the huge fights that just went on. Now i can not forgive her either but she is my mom and she still gives me her blessing and is happy for me and she wants to work it out but no one will talk to her. Kyles parents see how upset they make me and want nothing to do with my parents and kyle defended me and flipped out on them so now he wont even step foot in there home.. Kyles parents said they wont go to the wedding if my parents are there. I have alway s had a hard time with my mom and step dad but there the only family i have... advice or just see if it blows over I know i will enjoy my wedding regardless because i am so ready and in love it would just be nice to have a  big happy family present.:)

Reply


Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

Unfortunately, the world isn’t as utopian a place as it should be, and that sadly includes family and personal life.

 

Your FH’s parents seem to be very selfish if they won’t go to your wedding simply because your parents will be there. In all honesty, invite them, and if they still don’t come, then there’s honestly nothing you can do. I’m sure they’ll come around and come regardless; their son is getting married, and I can’t think of any parents who wouldn’t at least want to be there if they have the change.


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

sig

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

With all the run-on sentences, I'm having a hard time understanding your post.

It appears that there's been some bad blood between you and your mother, which has led to bad blood between your parents, your FH, and his parents. Am I understanding that correctly?

Your FH's parents have no business telling you that you can't invite your own parents to your wedding. In any case, I wouldn't give in to anybody who tried to emotionally blackmail me into not inviting someone else. I'd call their bluff. Go ahead and invite your parents. If they don't come, your FH's parents will be happy. If they do come, then you'll see whether your FH's parents are petty enough to not attend their son's wedding because the bride's parents are there.

The bottom line is that you are the one who decides on the guest list. If they say, 'We won't come if they do,' then say, 'I'm sorry to hear that. We'll miss you.'

It WOULD be nice if everybody had a nice, happy family, but unfortunately, not everybody has that family.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Foot in mouthYeah .... sorry about the sentences. You guys are right. One more question? Am I right going through with this when my FH and parents wont talk. I have always had a hard time with my parents. He does not like me being hurt and I am chosing him rather then some one who will get along with my parents.  If it i let go of him would it not just happen with someone else? I love him to much to lose him, i hope i am not going to make a hard life for my self by doing this.  Things usually do blow over on the other hand. Hehe I am so confused can you tell

Reply

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

yeah they can be selfish... but they love me so much lol they offered us 10,000 dollars to elope. I think they are more embaressed to see my parents i thought of planning an egagement party and just forcing them to resolve the issues. i want my day to be fun for everyone.

Reply


firstweddinginn... Posts : 77 Registered: 9/15/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 7:09 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

I would never have forgiven her for giving away your dog. I would have moved out and told her she either returns your dog in 24hrs or she can consider you 'given away' too. Thats unforgivable.   

dress005-1.jpg picture by tashacopi

cant wait to wear my dress on 11-1-08!

Reply

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 2, 2008 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: firstweddinginn...

I did move out ... I called the news. the police. I told every vet if he came in he was stolen. She knows where he is and will not tell me! He was a tiny pug so small he was a runt. He was like a real baby to me. For some reason i still defend her.

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

I'm a little concerned that you're questioning marrying your FH because he doesn't get along with your parents. To me, this says one of two things: 1) Your parents have an unhealthy degree of emotional control over you, to the point that their approval has made you think twice about marrying the love of your life, or 2) Perhaps he's NOT the love of your life.

In either case, I think you'd benefit from talking to a counselor. It doesn't mean you're crazy or anything like that, but sometimes it helps to get an unbiased opinion from somebody with experience and training in dealing with emotions. In either case, it sounds like you are rather emotionally dependent on SOMEONE - either your parents, or your FH - and that isn't healthy for any relationship or for yourself. Since you have a long history of 'parent issues', it might help to hash some of it out with a counselor. Also, I'd recommend premarital counseling for you and your FH. It's a good idea for EVERYONE, but a particularly good idea for couples who have family issues. If you intend to continue associating with your parents (which I recommend, given that you haven't told us anything TOO bad that they've done in the past), your FH will need to come to terms with that or it will create problems between the two of you in the future. A counselor will be able to give you both some advice on how to deal with your parents - but this is key....if you intend to have your parents in your life, your FH NEEDS to support you by associating with them as well.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply


mobride09 Posts : 519 Registered: 3/5/08
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I agree with ArtBride.  If you are questioning whether or not you should marry the person who is supposed to be the love of your life, then you need to talk to someone about it.  A counselor can help you sort out your feelings about your parents and your FH so that you can see what is truly the best option for you.

P.S.  I would have trouble forgiving my mom if she gave away my dog. I don't even have a dog yet (not until we buy a house) but that is unforgivable.


I marry the man of my dreams 5/2/09!

Reply

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 8:37 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I wanted a friendly opinion not to be told to go to a counselor.  But thanks any way you can leave this forum alone. We have a great relationship and have fro 5 years. People fight it take time to get over things but I do not appreciate being called emotionally dependent. I believe you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I do not need someone to complete me, he does complete me. But thanks

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

No need to get so defensive. Go back and read your previous post. You told us that you have lots of parent issues and then you asked us whether you were right to be marrying a man who won't speak to your parents. You're the one who questioned it...and when I talk to someone who asks whether they are right in marrying their FH - for whatever reason - I'm going to advise them to seek counseling. I'm not saying you're crazy...I'm saying that you have parent issues that you should address with a counselor, since they seem to be so bad that they're causing you to question your decision to get married.

Did you even read the rest of my post? I said that counseling will help you and your FH come up with a way to work through your issues with your parents. Since you seem to be determined to continue your relationship with them, your FH needs to support you in that - not refuse to speak to them. A good premarital counselor will be able to give you tips on how to deal with in-laws, and I think your FH could use that, based on what you've told us.

Anybody who says 'Screw you - we have a PERFECT relationship and don't need premarital counseling' is lying to themselves. We ALL benefit from discussing issues that might come up in marriage - before we are commited. Seeing as you have a HUGE issue (your parents) that WILL come up in your marriage, I think it's a good idea to get it out in the open beforehand. Doing so with a counselor does not mean that you're crazy or that your relationship isn't strong...it's simply beneficial to discuss these things in a neutral environment with the help of a non-biased party.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply


uno Posts : 619 Registered: 1/4/08
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 2:47 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art is right, you need to go get this all in the open BEFORE you get married.  They aren't there to judge you but to get all your problems discussed before you get married and they blow up. 

It's not healthy to be marrying a man who refuses to talk and step foot in your parents house when you are still wanting a relationship with them.  It'd be completely different if you did not want to continue a relationship with your parents and your FH supported it.  BUT you want one and he doesn't.  This is putting you in the middle of something huge.  No matter who you end up choosing - one of the sides is going to be mad.  It could lead to a huge blow up. 

And how will this be dealt with when you have kids.  Grandma & Grandpa aren't allowed to come see the kids when your FH is home?  The kids will sense and understand that their dad never goes to grandma's house and be put in the middle too.  You asked for an opinion, we do not always say  "oh, it'll work itself out" especially when there is a clear problem and you are questioning your choices. 

We went through pre-marital counseling through our church which was required and we are really glad we did it.  We both were very honest and open and although we don't have the problem that you do- we did bring up some issues and have been working on them.  I'm sure there isn't a situation that the counselor (or priest, pastor or whomever) hasn't heard and they are a good impartial mediator.  Maybe even your parents, you, FH & his parents can sit down and work out the issues.  FH's parents have already threatened (and tried to bribe you) about not attending the wedding if your parents are there.  There's no reason to start off a marriage with so many issues lying around.


Reply


Lorilee Posts : 437 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

Easy, now.

ArtBride wasn't being rude, or saying anything that was demeaning in the least! Most places will ask you to have premarraige counseling, and those that aren't, I can honestly say, should be. I'm going through that right now, and I'll tell you, it helps having a non-biased person to help sort things out that are potentially damaging.


Lori & Bob
October 11, 2008

 

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

Reply

JuliaAlene Posts : 41 Registered: 11/1/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 5, 2008 7:27 PM Go to message in response to: Lorilee

Saying those things is different then calling someone emotionally dependent. We see are preist which is similar to premarital counseling. And i never said screw you.  I am sorry you all think a I am being defensive. Sorting out problems is important....I guess i just did not hear what i wanted and i am sorry for offending you girls. 

I was out with my mom tuesday night and her mom was meeting us out and hearing her complaining about her parents really made me realize it isnt me.It just is the way things are. I love my Fh parents and if counseling is what everyone seems to think might work to bring them together with my parents, and then kyle too i could bring it up. LOl you saw what i thought about it :imagine 5 of the same reactions.

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Why wont any one get along?
Posted: Jun 6, 2008 3:49 PM Go to message in response to: JuliaAlene

Just remember that we don't know anything other than what you're telling us. In one of your posts, you said something to the effect of, 'Am I right to be marrying someone who won't speak to my parents? I love him so much and I don't want to lose him...' That's what made me say that it sounded like you're confused and seeking others' approval...which makes you rather dependent on them. As I don't know you, I can't comment beyond what you say here - and if you misspeak, I may misunderstand. Sorry if you were offended.

Counseling will certainly help - if your parrish priest is good, then there's no need to go to anyone beyond him. Make sure that you discuss your family and your relationship with your family while you are talking to the priest. You may have to meet a few more times than required, but he will likely be a good resource on how to urge everybody to coexist peacefully.

Your #1 focus should be working to improve your FH's relationship with your parents. In talking this out, you may realize that you have to change a few things about how YOU deal with your parents. Realize that it will be a slow process, requiring effort on both sides. There will be times when you'll have to support your FH against your parents - and times when you need to give your parents a stern talking-to about how to treat you and FH - and times when you'll need to remind everyone to forgive and forget. Talk to the priest, and he'll help you and your FH to tackle this problem as a unit, rather than two individuals with opposite opinions.

I wouldn't directly address the issue with FH's parents. Most likely, as they see FH making an effort to be civil to your parents, they will begin to follow his example. If they continue to bad-mouth your parents, you might have to say, 'Please don't talk about my parents that way in front of me. FH and I are working to repair our relationship with them, and we'd appreciate your support on the matter.' Perhaps the priest can give you some other ideas, but I wouldn't expect them to become buddy-buddy overnight. Regardless of how you work to repair your relationship, their relationship is between THEM, and there's only so much you can do.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine