Seeing this too often

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parvastella22 Posts : 199 Registered: 4/24/06
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 16, 2008 10:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm not getting married.  I have a boyfriend right now but I hope we don't get that serious anytime soon (still in school, finances not at its best, and I just moved in!) I came here to the boards sometime ago because I was a military bride planning a religious ceremony, and before I knew it my whole marriage meant nothing and the ceremony was cancelled (he left me once he left the military, BAH anyone?)

But I did get married while young, and I was very much like these girls once upon a time.  Hell, I'm somewhat like them right now.  When you love someone you really want to marry them, spend the rest of your lifetime with them, have these really diluted ideals about what a married life should be like.  Boy, was I shaken out of my bubble!

They are young.  Some might say immature, some might say self-centered.  Whatever it is, a wedding ceremony's really hard to resist.  You get excited for it.  You spend months maybe years thinking of how it'd be (of course, it'll never go the way you want it 100%). 

What's the standard to know if you're "ready" for a marriage anyways?  Most people say you'll "just know", others would say, "when you feel it in your gut".  Even while I was married, I had the slightest clue what I was doing or if I was ready to get married at all.

But the one thing I did learn is to mentally block out all the negative comments people shot at me for getting married while still in college.  I wasn't as dreamy-eyed as most people about marriages, but I was sure excited when I planned for my wedding...or what some of you might call a renewal ceremony. My marriage had no weight or effect on my studies.  Hell, I went through a divorce through college too and I came out just fine (going for my Master's right now).

To put it simply, and to repeat PPs, to each their own.




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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 16, 2008 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This is my 2 cents:

I don't have a problem with ANYbody being here and giving advice-- engaged or not.

But I do agree with the majority of the posters. These "he's going to propose soon!" or "when will he propose??" type of topics really just irritate me. Just sit back and wait!!!

Yes we are all excited about being engaged and married to the men of our dreams but pre-planning a wedding before the guy even discusses it with you or before he asks you is borderline nuts. If you're in a great relationship, enjoy it as it is. I know it's easier said than done.... but I know what I'm talking about.

One of my friends said it best: "too many women are looking for an engagement ring and a party (wedding) and not enough women are looking for a marriage"

 http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyAnne Stafford&RobertWilliams, Jr

                                 R&R: June 21, 2008

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 16, 2008 11:36 PM Go to message in response to: MrsWilliams2008

I am sorry but I just do not see the big deal. I have friend/co-worker (and we work at a bridal shop) that saves pictures or ideas that she might want to use for her wedding sometime. She is not involved with anyone. Her and I both love weddings and would love to plan them one day. I see nothing wrong with a girl being interested in weddings or excited about the fact that she knows she has found the man she wants to marry. I know weddings are not all about the dress and the glitz and the money, but lets be honest those things are fun to. I think it is perfectly fine for any girl to at least dream and anticipate those things. 

And there might be girls out there who really do not know what they are talking about and will not get engaged to the man the think they are planning their wedding with. But from experience I was a girl who knew we would get married and knew a proposal would happen in a certain amount of time. He asked me what kind of ring I would like so I am going to figure it out. There are signs a lot of the time, and I do not think you should be completely shocked with a proposal because you should have at least discussed marriage before a guy pops the question. No man will spend money on a ring before discussing and knowing the girl he is with is even interested in marrying.

Basically though this is a public forum and who cares who is here? There should not be an issue when people are simply discussing weddings or asking for advice. Who cares? Weddings are fun and interesting for a lot of girls despite the fact that the marriage is the most important thing in the end. Why be so up tight about things?  

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BooBishaBride Posts : 120 Registered: 1/31/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 12:48 AM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Let me go out on a limb here and say that I was coming here long before I was "actually" engaged. I stalked the boards for months before FH and I were actively discussed our desire to get married, when we want to do it, ect. Coming here has always been a great stress reliever. If it had been just about pretty dresses and flowers I would have left long ago. But I feel this is actually a community, with good advise. I love how supportive and interesting all of you are. The random discussions are extremely rewarding. 

I understand being frustrated with 17 year olds. Yet who of us didn't flip idly through wedding magazines or watch tv shows about brides when we were that age. Yes coming here may be a little to much, they should only be thinking seriously about marriage when their old enough (at least 20) and have someone in mind. But marriage is a huge part of life and something that everyone thinks about. It goes hand in hand with families and adulthood. Maybe instead of criticize them, encourage them to prepare themselves in other ways first? I.e. education, life skills, ect. Just my thought

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 7:58 AM Go to message in response to: BooBishaBride

I strongly disagree with the OP. I haven't read but a few initial posts on Page one of this thread. I also have avoided the thread "So It Didn't Happen" because it just didn't interest me!

Those girls are having SO MUCH fun! If the thread doesn't interest you then it's NOT your business. Read another one. (Personally the two "POOP" threads ABSOLUTELY DISGUST me and I stay far far away from them!)

Before you know it, those young girls will be looking up to you folks and seeking your advice.  


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HamiltonBride Posts : 140 Registered: 7/30/07
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 8:24 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

RanAway2Maine - I don't have a problem with non-engaged people being on here, it's called 'Brides' but whatever. But I completely disagree that the "So, he still hasn't asked me, I'm so disappointed, this is consuming my life" girls are having fun. That doesn't sound like any kind of fun I know of, it sounds stressful. Personally, I am worried for these women, not all of them just the ones who everyday are disappointed when their boyfriend still hasn't proposed.

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 9:59 AM Go to message in response to: HamiltonBride

I still beg to differ. There's nothing wrong with non-engaged girls (who are anticipating getting engaged and then married thereafter), supporting each other while looking forward to the biggest day of their lives! They have something in common and they can all relate and each knows how the other feels.

So what if they're 17? It's the beginning of a beautiful dream. Getting engaged at 17 doesn't necessarily mean she will be married on her 18th birthday! The forum is harmless and just a means for them to share this experience together.

There is enough room for all stages of the wedding planning on BRIDES.com and the forums do not run out of space, whether you're anticipating a ring or you've been married for 20 years.  


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MelissaJuneBrid... Posts : 698 Registered: 3/13/07
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I agree and disagree with some posts here. First of all, I agree that some "not officially engaged" or "waiting to be engaged" people are only concerned about wanting the ring and the wedding. To some on here as I have noticed, it's not about the marriage.

HOWEVER, I think it is unfair to say all the non-engaged girls should not be on this site. Some of them have to wait b/c of finances and others know they are getting married and just want to finish school or something. To me they have every right to be on here and I don't think you can lump all these people in one category and label them all the same...sorry, I don't think it works that way.

About the whole age thing....IMHO I think that subject just needs dropped. Yea...some 17 year olds get engaged and no they are not ready and yes they just want a wedding and the dress and so on. But there are some who are truly wanting the marriage and are in love. Some of them are more ready to get married than say a 30 year old. I have read some posts by older women who care more about their careers and school than their FHs. To me that is more disturbing!

I think we just need to not be so critical of others.


MelissaSmile

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MissyF Posts : 275 Registered: 9/23/07
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'd like to point out to most of the PPs that the OP never said that these almost-engaged girls shouldn't be here - just that many of their posts seemed to indicate that they probably don't have their priorities in order. Personally, I agree with the OP that these posts are annoying, but that does not mean I think EVERY almost-bride is shallow and preoccupied with the glamour of a wedding - I try to based my opinion of my fellow Brides.com posters on their individual statements.

I was "almost engaged" for a while, though I didn't come on the boards until a few months after it was "official." My boyfriend and I had only been dating two weeks when I said "Marry me?" and he grinned and said "yeah!" Since then, we proposed to each other several times a week, and talked a lot about having kids, where we'd live, saving up for world travel, etc. The subject of a wedding pretty much never came up, and I honestly never thought about it. What eventually pushed us towards being "official," was that we had been cohabiting for a long time (though it would blow your mind how long we did that and still remained abstinent), and it made my father very uncomfortable. And since I love and respect my dad, and my boyfriend and I intended to get married anyway, I felt we should try to do so as soon as possible so as not to snub our noses at our families, who were being very supportive. My sweetie wanted to wait until we were financially stable, but I pointed out that we had no idea if or when that would be, so why wait? When he started asking me about rings, I insisted on something small and simple (which I love). A few months later, we were engaged, and married six months after that. And not only are we blissfully wed, but a modest level of financial stability has gradually and unexpectedly found us. Things just work out in the end, and I'm looking forward to our lives together.

SO, my point is that people have many reasons for anxiously anticipating an engagement - just judge each post for its own merit.


Woman to my man. Slave to my budget.

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FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

My thread has been brought up in here so I would like to explain... I am not yet engaged and I truly didnt think that I would be getting engaged for a while. My bf and I have talked about it very much and we both wanted our degrees before we got engaged. I already got mine and now he is graduating June 14. I posted my thread because I needed that outlet. I didnt want to talk to my bf about these things and I dont want to tell my friends and family until it is official. My bf has told me all the things he shouldnt! He told me he bought the ring, it came in the mail, and that he asked my father for permission. How am I not supposed to get excited? The man that I love is ready to take our commitment to the next step. We are both ready to get married and have children. I am in a great place in my career and he just landed an amazing job and will be going to grad school in september. So if I cant talk to my bf about these things and I dont want to bother my friends, is it so wrong that I come here and discuss it with other women who are in my shoes? We have every right to be here and like ranaway said, if you dont like, dont read it! I can honestly say that I wish that my bf NEVER told me anything! Then I wouldnt be so anxious. I am excited, is that so wrong? Oh and I am not obsessed with the ring. The only reason I even care about it is because my bf doesnt want me to tell my friends and family until I have it. Other then that I dont care what it looks like and how much it cost or how big it is.

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 3:51 PM Go to message in response to: FinallyMrsS

I agree with MYRA in the begening of this thread. FH and I were together 1 yr and talked about getting married some day. We just thought we'd wait till finances were better. We had no ring at the time then after 2 years he gave me what he called a "COMMITMENT RING" aka promise ring. Which we just told everyone "sometime in the near future we were planning to get married". Then this past Christmas came the "Real Proposal" So at that time is when we offically considerd ourselves engaged. 

But for some people to expect getting a ring...who said you have to have a ring to be engaged in the first place.  To each their own I guess. 


NANETTE' & JAMES

 TO BE UNITIED AS ONE SEPTEMBER 27, 2008 

CUTE

 

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

What annoys me is people like RJL who create a new name just so they can make a post like this that they normally wouldn't create on their real name. THAT IS ANNOYING!

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

Born-you are absolutely correct. That is cowardly.

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bostonterrierbr... Posts : 129 Registered: 11/8/06
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 6:23 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I'm sort of neutral on the not yet engaged brides being on this board, as several PPs said I just stay out of the threads in the Engaged section, and any other thread I'm uncomfortable with.

I will say though, I agree with PPs about the 17 y.o's being on here. As far as saying people under the age of 20, or 21, or 54 shouldn't get married I won't even go there. Everyone is allowed to have an age they think is 'too young'. As far as I'm concerned if you're over 18 you can do what you want. But the fact is my state, and most others in America, dictate that before the age of 18 you ARE NOT an adult, and are specifically denied permission to get married without parental consent. In some states even with parental consent you cannot marry until the age of 18. I'm sorry if other's disagree with me on this, but as far as I'm concerned anyone who is not a legal adult with all the rights of an adult citizen, i.e. voting, working, should not be planning a wedding. Frankly, to me the idea of children seriously planning a wedding is creepy. Not that it can't work out, not that they shouldn't post or dream, but to me personally it's weird to have high school students planning a wedding ceremony before they can vote, drink, or skip school without a note from their parents.

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CGsPrincess86 Posts : 31 Registered: 3/26/08
Re: Seeing this too often
Posted: May 17, 2008 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I guess I fall into the category of "girls" (although I would hardly call myself one solely based on my age) who aren't engaged but am "pre-planning" my wedding as the OP wrote.  Just because there are some crazy posts on here (I'll admit that going through your boyfriend's belongings for the ring is a red flag) doesn't mean that ALL women who are not engaged yet are "crazy" or have no right to be here.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have been living together for just about 1 year.  We have BOTH expressed a mutual agreement to take our relationship to the next level (i.e. marriage) but at this particular point in time we know this is simply not possible.  He is paying off student loans so he really does not have the money for a wedding or a ring for that matter.  And I would like to wait until I graduate from pharmacy school (in 2011!!!) before I even really start planning my wedding.  Is it really so bad that during my down time (y'know between work, school, and taking care of my disabled mother...how's that for focusing on my priorities OP?) I like to look on these boards to see what other women are planning on doing for their weddings regardless of the fact that I won't be getting married until at least 2012??   Is it really so annoying that I want to get ideas now about the day that I'll start a new chapter in my life with the man that I love??  Like I said, some posts are a bit of a stretch but it's not like any one's putting a gun to your head and making you read them.  Stop reading them if they annoy you so much.  And PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEASE stop categorizing the "pre-engaged" group of girls on here because some of us DO have our priorities straight and ARE focused on our relationships.  Just because we like to plan weddings (like a great majority of women do) doesn't make us any more or less mature than any of the older women who post on these forums.

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