Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 14, 2008 6:22 PM

Okay - as I am sure everyone on here is aware I have taken a hiatus from wedding planning because of the house. Since you all know this I would think that my FMIL would also be aware of that fact. We are doing nothing wedding related until after closing...that is just what needs to happen because I don't have any money to spend on stuff and if I'm thinking/planning I'm bound to find something and want to spend money.

Okay well that being said FMIL calls FH and tells him that she has been talking to her friends about the wedding and she thinks we should invite them to the wedding. (Recap on money they are contributing $NOTHING to the wedding - no money, no stuff, no labor, nothing) which is fine, it is their money we don't need/want it and they live in Texas so it is not that they don't want to help it is just difficult to actually do anything being 1800 miles away.

So I tell her to send me a list of people and we will see but that we aren't making any plans right now so I don't know how many people we're going to be able to end up inviting...so she sends me a list...its 60 people!!! and it does not include those people we had already planned on inviting from his side (parents, grandparents, godparents/their best friends, aunt, uncle, cousins) It is all people that they're friends with in TEXAS. The wedding is on a Wednesday in NJ WHY would these people whom we have never met or only met once want to pay to come up to NJ in the middle of the week...

WELL my FMIL has told them all that she has put them "on the list" AND has told them that the plan is for an event on Wednesday (which it is) and then another event on the following Saturday (which is no longer going to happen and she knows that because the money for that event went toward the down payment on the house), and that she is "sure they'll be invited".

Then she tells me that she's sure most of them won't come but that they all have money so even if they do we'll probably get a nice gift out of it.

1 - there's no event on Saturday so I can't invite them to something which isn't happening

2 - I am not inviting an additional 60 people to come to our wedding if I don't know them. She didn't even have some of these people's last names or addresses (though she intends to get them) so obviously she's not even that close to them.

Finally let me say that I love my FMIL, she is fun and amazingly creative, I never in a million years dreamed she'd send me a list of 60 new people on it.

I have been around here long enough that I know all the phrases to use with her and to explain that it isn't going to happen, and there is plenty of time between now and then so we will work it out. I just needed to vent.

By the way FH just laughed at me when I told him because he told me not to let her send a list in the first place, and he was obviously right.


When is my wedding

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40somethingbride Posts : 240 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 14, 2008 6:27 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

If the event is on a Weds., and they live in Texas and you are in NY-go for it! They will not show, especially if they are not close to you. Be sure to register for LARGE amounts of china, silver etc!!!
 

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 14, 2008 6:32 PM Go to message in response to: 40somethingbride

LOL - are you my FMIL??? because that is actually what she said - "well most of them won't come anyway and they have money"

I really do not want to invite people just so that they send me stuff. I realize it looks that way as it is having an event on a wednesday so to actively try to invite people knowing that they won't come. It just feels completely wrong to me. I would not even want the stuff they would buy, afterall I kind of like the idea of looking at my flatware and saying "oh Aunt So&So got this for us" or our china and saying "Our friend Jane got us this." I think that is kind of the point of registering and getting wedding presents.

Is there some way that I could "invite" them knowing they won't come and get them to donate in our honor to a charity? I wouldn't feel bad about that, afterall they could write it off on their taxes and I wouldn't have a reminder in my house of being greedy.


When is my wedding

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 14, 2008 8:40 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

LOL  Wow, I guess next time you'll listen to FH.  tee hee.  

I would look at the list, figure out how many you can accommodate, if any, and tell your FMIL she has to trim it.  If that doesn't go over, tell her to trim it or you will (last resort).

I don't know about the inviting them and suggesting donations to your charity. You know your FMIL will tell them where you are registered.

Good luck.  I do understand where you are coming from. 


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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: B2B999

ick the same thing happened to me. MIL wanted to invite like 20 extra people KNOWING they wouldn't come. She even wanted to invite her neighbors b/c they are from NJ and would give us better gifts than her relatives in PA. Like ok.....She may have been joking but it was a stupid joke.

After finally explaining how much XTRA these people would cost and the fact that WE didn't know them, she got it.We ended up B-listing them and inviting SOME but not others.

Try telling her that when the wedding is closer you will re-evaluate. Just smile and nod now. You have like a whole year for her to forget about it. And when it comes time, give her the actual COST and tell her you guys just dont have the $ and if she wants them, then she can pony up the $$.


Formerly Ama102707

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I love her and I know she means well so that is basically the track I am taking. We will be finalizing a guest list after the new year and if she remembers about the guest list at that point (though last night she called me and asked if I knew how we are planning on decorating the nursery - we are not pregnant, trying, or married by the way!!! - so I think she's already drifting on to a new topic) But if she remembers the list then we'll deal with the invitees at that time.

I would never ask her to pay for anyone that she wanted there. She has no daughters and her other son will probably just run around for the rest of his life until he gets arrested or forced to marry someone at the end of a shotgun (they live in texas so this is a distinct possibility) The point being this wedding is very important to her so I understand why she is so excited and wants to invite everyone under the sun.

Since the original post I have just decided to laugh it off entirely, I put the list in the "guest" folder and I'll deal with it all next year when it becomes a priority again.


When is my wedding

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 2:18 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

My MIL gave me a list of 70 people early in the planning as well. I worried about it at the time and came up with all sorts of schemes to talk her out of it. She was ADAMENT about NEEDING those people to receive invitations, and I really worried about it, since she lives 500 miles from our wedding location and I didn't want to invite random people who wouldn't travel, either.

Despite all my worries for 6+ months, by the time I asked her for addresses, she had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that she had already given me a list...and had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that she wanted to invite so many people. Her list of addresses was for less than half of her original numbers.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

I like the flowers, so I'm keeping my useless ticker. Just married, 4/26/08!

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear B2B,  Let's hope your FMIL ends up having similar memory failures to what ArtBride's MIL had! 

But, bottom line, I'd say do not invite anyone you and your FH do not personally wish to invite, and do not invite more people than you can afford.  The technique of inviting people on the hope that they won't come is just rude and dumb (IMO, of course).

Has your FMIL heard of wedding announcements?  It seems that would be the appropriate way to notify one and all that her law-abiding son has got himself a lovely (and classy) wife.


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 3:15 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

LOL - I'm hoping that she does forget and we end up with a list significantly shorter then the one presented (closer to the one I was originally hoping for which was maybe 5 couples) but yes I had thought about sending them wedding announcements...or and just for the sake of honesty I'll let you all in on my devious thoughts...

I thought about not sending them save the dates and only sending them invitations. Which in light of the date and the distance would practically guarantee that they would not be able to attend. However, I'm hoping that with time it will not become an issue and that simply sending them announcements after the wedding will be sufficient.


When is my wedding

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Guest
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

I feel your pain - my FIL gave us a list of around 150 people!  FIL and MIL are divorced and gave us a small list of around 20 people.  FIL did contribute a small amount to the wedding - paid for 1/2 DJ and 1/3 of the limo.  But there was no way we could invite that many people.  It was very stressful, but DH contacted him and basically told him he needed to cut his list in half.  He was just thinking most of the people probably wouldn't come anyways, but what if they all did!?!?!  Most of the people only lived an hour away.

So good luck - have your FH talk to your FMIL if she ends up remembering the list.  That way you don't have to be the bad guy.


 

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 15, 2008 8:38 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Unfortunately since he told me not to let her give a list at all I don't think I could ask him to get me out of it by confronting his mom about it. I got us into this mess so it really does fall on me to get us out of it. I'm banking on her forgetting.


When is my wedding

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TakeBackYourWed... Posts : 139 Registered: 4/5/08
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 16, 2008 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: B2B999

There is now going to be tension or conflict so it IS time for your fiance to step up even if "you" created the mess.  The reality is this is HIS mom, not yours, and he's had tens of thousands of conflicts with her over his entire life.  You have barely begun to konw this woman so you're not in the right relationship or have the right history to deal with her.

My inlaws are also from Texas - small town TX.  I'm going to guess it was a minimum of 60-100 people we invited from there when NONE were going to make it.  It was social obgligation and "Gift-counting" so that we got the gifts that my MIL had to give to all those other people.  We literally sent out 150 invitations (with couples or families, right) and EXPECTED no more than 150 people.  150 was going to be tight in our reception too so there was no possible way with fire code or fitting tables to get more people.  But I knew they weren't going to come so I didn't care.

In your case your fiance should talk to his mom and say there is no Saturday event so those folks should not be buying plane tickets or hotels for that event!  Maybe leave it at that for now. 


Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter 2007!

http://www.thefirstdance.com

~~Managing the Family Dynamics of Wedding Planning through a book, dvd, wedding stress coaching, articles and more~~

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Guest List just EXPLODED!!!!
Posted: May 19, 2008 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: TakeBackYourWed...

Well I have actually known my FMIL for about 21 years now as I grew up with FH. She is more like a second mom to me then like a MIL so I don't have any real concerns about talking to her, it wouldn't be the first time I've pissed her off. I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her so I'm not really scared of her or her reaction.

I just do not want to hurt and upset her. I know why she wants me to invite all these people and it is really because she thinks it is what is best for FH & I. I don't want to embarrass her, or make her think that I think she's greedy because I know that is not her motivation.

I agree that we should clarify again for her that there is no Saturday event so that she doesn't mislead these people and they don't buy tickets. (Though she knows this I think she thinks I will change my mind about having it) I talked to her this weekend about the new house and the new job and everything and she brought up the wedding and I told her that we had a lot of stuff that we need to have done done for Wednesday. She asked if I was still just having Wednesday and I told her that because of the house and everything that is what we felt we could afford. She understood that. I told her how we were really hoping to keep it small on Wednesday too, and she seemed to take note of that as well.

She didn't bring up her list, neither did I. So I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie until next January when I'll worry about it again.


When is my wedding

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