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NWR: childless and feeling bad

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

You ladies are so sweet!  MrsLinnben, I really understand where you're coming from and I'm sure that whether you have a child or not, you're a good example for any young people who know you.  It's so great that you are thinking through what it would mean to have a child or not.  It seems many people, especially when they get into their 40s, just go on this quest to prove that they can take control and have that baby, losing sight of practical matters like the money they're spending on assisted reproductive techniques, or whether their child is likely to still have 2 living parents by the time he or she graduates from high school.

It's also really heartening to see you ladies using your brains against the sentimentality of glorifying motherhood.  I dread going to church -- or going out to some restaurants -- on Mother's Day because they hand out a flower to each mother and I have this dilemma about whether to let them give me one, or explain that I'm not a mother.  I always wonder how many women have a similar dilemma -- not just infertile women but also women who are childless by choice, and women who have had a baby who died, or who gave up a child for adoption -- but it's not something you talk about so I really don't know.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea to have Mother's Day or Father's Day.  But you don't see as much sentimentality and saintliness associated with Father's Day, do you?

On the positive side, last year my DH bought me a Mother's Day card and signed it from our dog!  (She's my "four-legged baby.")  He does the same thing with Christmas and my birthday.  It is cute.


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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SammiAnn Posts : 114 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Aww...how sweet of your DH!  That is so caring and romantic!
June 7, 2008...here I come!

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,286 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 9:08 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Thanks Eve, I needed that because I;ve been battling this in my mind for several months.  Even went to the reproductive endocronoligst (?sp) to have basic ferility testing done, we are still healthy DH & I......I don't know why to do....

That is sweet that your hubby bought you a card.


Linda 

Linny-Swanna will chop up the competition.

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: Mrslinnben

I definitely hear you, MrsLinnben!  I can't tell you what to do, but I know it is a difficult decision.  Or, more accurately, series of decisions.  At one point a woman might decide, "I'll time my cycles and try to conceive."  Or you decide, "I'll go for this test or procedure."  Then if that doesn't work, you have another set of decisions to make: go back to NOT trying to conceive, or continue what you're doing and give it more chances to work, or try some other strategy. 

Or decide that you're firmly sure you don't want children and have a procedure like a tubal ligation or vasectomy (for DH, obviously!).  I've known couples who had serious talks about this after they had as many children as they wanted, and it boiled down to, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry and would you want to have children with your new spouse?"  Such a tough question!

All the while, that good old biological clock is ticking . . . isn't it fun to be human???


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Honestly, I see sorry women everyday just poppin out babies and doing nothing with them... it's pathetic. 

And like other posters have said, you are an extended mother!!


 http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyAnne Stafford&RobertWilliams, Jr

                                 R&R: June 21, 2008

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 10:08 PM Go to message in response to: MrsWilliams2008

You ladies are so sweet!  You're giving me chills up my spine! 

Beauti, do you work in social services or something?  That must be really hard.  I see from your profile and ticker that you're young enough to be my daughter and your wedding is coming up real soon -- best wishes to you and your FH!


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 12:10 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Going in slightly a different direction, I don't get how some women can pop out kids with out a moments regard, i.e. they do not care about their child or anyone else but themselves.  

There seem to be so many unwanted kids, WHY WHY WHY should anyone be looked down upon because they chose not to have children, or tried with the full knowledge of those responsibilities. 

Sorry, off on a tangent, but I do NOT think just because one is female that that means you have a Responsibility to reproduce.  Truthfully, I think at times we would be better off if you had to have some sort of credentials to have kids.  I think that is unrealistic and wouldn't fully feel comfortable with it, but OMG, I'm not remotely comfortable with the kids out there who have no value of self.

Again, sorry for the tangent.  Just also got done in with ANOTHEr murder suicide involving kids.  I can't even imagine. 


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CyclistLover Posts : 1,184 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

My DH & I are most likely NOT having kids.  We have a dog and my mother & my sisters all refer to him as part of the family!!  My mom sent me a mother's day card from him.  Pretty funny.  When people ask me if we are having kids I tell them I have one - he's furry with a tail and I can put him in a crate when i go out and no one calls the police.  LOL

Happiness is a puppy greeting you at the door

AND

Llama Jjamas

 

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SammiAnn Posts : 114 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: CyclistLover

HAHAHAHA!!  Cyclist, that is SO funny, because that's what I say too about our puppy.  I love her like a baby, but when FH and I want to go out, we can put her in the crate and leave.  That's not possible with children.

Sorry, that's all I had to say, just because it really is the same thing I tell people when they ask us how long we are going to wait to start having children (which drives me crazy, because whose business is it when/if we are having children)
June 7, 2008...here I come!

Message was edited by: SammiAnn

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: SammiAnn

Good points, all of you!  My DH is a terrific "daddy" to our dog, and I like to think I'm a good mommy to her too.

Whose business is it whether/when you have kids -- absolutely!  The only time it becomes other people's business is if children are born whose parents can't or won't take proper care of them.  Then it's society's business and society's problem.

On top of all the heartbreaking occurrences of child abuse and neglect, I heard a new one lately.  In some states, children can be exempted from school if the parent signs a simple form saying that the child is being home schooled.  There's no verification or follow-up, though.  So apparently there are some parents who just don't want to have to bother getting the kids up and dressed in the morning, so they say they're home schooling and actually the kids are getting no education at all.  Very scary.


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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SammiAnn Posts : 114 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

In some states, children can be exempted from school if the parent signs a simple form saying that the child is being home schooled.  There's no verification or follow-up, though.

As a future teacher, that erks me something fierce!  Parents who do that are irresponsible and that's ridiculous.  And those states should be ashamed of themselves for letting parents just take their children out of school with no follow-ups.
June 7, 2008...here I come!

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 11:50 AM Go to message in response to: SammiAnn

That's wonderful that you're going to be a teacher, SammiAnn! 

Some people argue that compulsory education is a way of socializing children to agree with the status quo instead of thinking for themselves.  I have no doubt that some home school experiences are excellent, but there's a reason why teacher education is rigorous.  Many parents are unequipped to provide a quality education for their kids if they homeschool.  Not to mention the completely irresponsible ones who just keep their kids home and don't even try to give them any education.

The idea of requiring some sort of license or qualification to become a parent has been discussed by social theoreticians since at least the early 20th century, when information about birth control first became available.  Seeing kids who are being abused or neglected really makes you think it would be a good idea . . . but how would they enforce it, what would be the penalty for "parenting without a license"?  All kinds of practical questions are unanswerable.

All of these ideas have been very useful in getting me away from my reaction to my mother's mean remark!


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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SammiAnn Posts : 114 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 1:09 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

The requirements of both time and work, to get my teaching licensure is A LOT and I don't think people realize it.  Plus, teachers do SO much more than teach.  That's why I have a hard time with parents who don't have any kind of qualification saying that they could do a better job homeschooling than what teachers do--but that's a totally different topic/thread.

And I will argue that the direction of schools is changing (minus the whole standardized testing thing) and creativity, diversity, and individuality are greatly emphasized to us in my education program.

Haha!  If there were some requirements to become a parent, then there probably would be less problems with our children and crappy parents wouldn't be able to be parents.  However, that also restricts our freedoms and reminds me too much of Orwell's 1984.  Yet, I hate seeing people who don't deserve children with children...

Guess it'll always be on debate about what to do. The best I can do is to love and care for my students and keep an eye out for anything in their lives they may be wrong so that someone can take care of the problem.  And, for now, I like to think of my future students as my children, as I have and will devote the same energy to them as if they were my own (although I will be getting evenings without them).


June 7, 2008...here I come!

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77ChevyGirl Posts : 272 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 9:18 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Hi Eve!

I am SO sorry!  That was a horrific thing for your mother to say.  That is just so cold & inconsiderate.  I am so, so sorry!

I know how you're feeling, although my situation is quite different.  Due to the facts that I cannot have healthy children, don't want children, and FH is 21 years my elder and doesn't want children either, I'm not having any kids.

BUT, I was pregnant once.  It actually resulted from a rape.  It was only a short pregnancy - 6 weeks, but those were a dreadful 6 weeks.

Not having children does not make you less of a woman or less of an embodiment of God's love.  We all have different paths in life.  Some people's paths do include children, some do not.  Simply because someone's path does not include children does not make their path or mission in life less important.

Your mom was very hurtful in saying that to you.  Although the church meant no harm in what they printed, they have to remember that motherhood isn't the end-all in life.

Sweetie, I am SO sorry that all of this hit you.  I can understand how much of a sensitive subject it is for you.  PLEASE do not be harsh on yourself.  You're a wonderful woman just the way you are!!!  :)


~ Lauren - The Future Mrs. Harvey

 

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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 8, 2008 9:48 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I'm an RN with a background in Labor & Delivery and I currently work with a family planning program. I see it EVERYDAY.

Thank you for the best wishes!!!


 http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyAnne Stafford&RobertWilliams, Jr

                                 R&R: June 21, 2008

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