My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 1:19 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Honestly, if you choose to stick guns, you have to face the facts that you will be cutting ties with your mom. This is not a reflection upon you at all.

However, you have to decide.  If you want your Mom there you will, it seems, have to invite your brother. 

I do not see anything wrong with how things have been handled.  It is not your fault that family members are unable to be remotely mature.


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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 1:50 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

yeah ahhh you would think that this was better but it's really worse... i wont have to cut ties with mom because she will act like nothing happened on the day to day and use it until i die to throw up in my face!! thats part of the immature and disfunctional... they always act like things didn't happen and thats what they want me to do with Brother too... i just refuse.

Good point about guest and gifts the little thief can't be trusted. i didn't even think about using that as a reason but i will next time.

This really isn't going to affect mom other than she will bitch and gripe and through a HUGE fit up to and through my Day, and then everytime the family remembers my day for all eternity! I don't think for a minute that she wouldn't show up, she wouldn't miss the spot light of MOB for a minute. I've just learned to Handle her the way she is i can't change her... i just always seem to be surprised that she is so un-motherly sometimes. it still hurts i guess regardless of how "ready for it" you think you are.


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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deansbride Posts : 220 Registered: 3/24/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 3:04 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Hi,

I am so sorry you have to go through all this. My advice is to stick to the issue at hand, do not disinvite your mother. I dont know if i could do it but if you are cool tempered enough dont let your mom turn it into an issue between you and her anymore than she already has. This is (or rather should be) between you and your brother not you and her! 

All that being said she is being really horrible to you, maybe take a week away from her to clear your head. Also I agree that you should give her the money back and tell her that you dont want her to have the trouble of hosting the event-you want her to be your guest.

Taking the high road can be hard but you will come out the bigger person. Good luck on your test and congrats on graduation and a wonderful husband!

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MrsAWarner Posts : 191 Registered: 2/18/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 11:23 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Hi Michelle,

You have been given plenty of great advice already, so I will just chime in with the ladies who told you to stick to your guns. Nobody can blame you for not wanting your brother at your wedding knowing what he has done.

Mostly I'm just posting to tell you that I fully understand what you are going through-and to ask if our mothers might possibly be long-lost sisters lol. My mom is a lot like your's-immature and controlling. I know that it's really hard, the feeling of being torn by wanting her there no matter what, and not caring if she shows up at all. It's a really hard thing to cope with. It's good that you are talking to a councelor. I've found that it definitely does help.

Oh yeah, and the whole thing where mom gets pissed about something but acts like it never happened----only to throw it back into your face 6 years later during a fight that has nothing to do with it....Yeah, I know all about that one too. Lol. My mom is a champ at reminding me of all of the things I have done since I was 6.

Don't worry hon. Things will get better. It takes time but eventually you will figure out how to balance out life, mom, and your brother-all while being happy with your own private life. I'm sorry that your brother is the way that he is, and I hope that that situation improves too. Good luck. Smile 


 

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

I suggest that you should deal with your mom by having something ready to say every time she brings up your brother not being invited, now and after your wedding. Like if your mom says "I still cannot believe you didn't invite your brother to your wedding." You say "I still cannot believe he stole my dress money." 

I think that if you not only stick to your guns but make a firm comment back EVERY time your mom makes a comment or throws a fit it might help your situation. If you are trying to let it go when your mom says things or only speaking up every now and then, your mom is going to keep saying something hoping she can make you a push over. You need to make sure she knows that you are firm in your decision all the time. It is also good to just say your peace and then walk away if your mom is going to keep talking about it or throw a big fit.  

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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

If she's so concerned about the family meeting "baby" then why can't they meet "baby" at his wedding! After all he said he will have his day! Well let him! And I agree with she just might fold and wheather she likes it or not brother will not be there but you are her daughter and if she really wanted to she'd be there no matter what. As for your graduation... what are you supposed to do?!?! invite one parent and not the other?!? Same goes for your wedding. You're not hurting her.. she's hurting herslf by not respecting your wishes. If she doesn't show up it will be her own fault. At least your DAD and STEPMOM will be there.

 MICHELLE! don't let anyone take from YOUR DAY! let them be the ones to regret. it's hard to turn your back.. no one says it's easy. Remember it's the begginng of your LIVES together. 


NANETTE' & JAMES

 TO BE UNITIED AS ONE SEPTEMBER 27, 2008 

CUTE

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: nanette927

Someone said something similar to this already, and I totally agree with her - most of the time, when I read these family drama ridiculousness stories, I think to myself, 'Come on, people - is it really going to KILL you to invite X person to make Y person happy?' I think my opinion's a little different on this one, though.

Your friend and your counselor are right - there is NOTHING that you can do to change your family in two months. Your choices are to accept it and be miserable at your own wedding, or stand up for yourself and accept the fact that people will be mad at you for it. It's a crappy decision to have to make, but it shouldn't be a DIFFICULT decision.

If you want my advice, here's what I would do if I were you. When it's time to send invites, don't send one to brother and baby mamma if you don't want them there. Send one to your mother and one to your father. That way, the ball is in HER court. She can't complain, 'Michelle didn't invite me to her wedding'...all she can say is, 'Michelle didn't invite her brother, so I am not going, either.' YOU are not choosing to end your relationship with HER by not inviting your brother to the wedding....it is HER decision how to proceed. Turn a deaf ear to any comments that she makes other than, 'I will come to your wedding,' or 'I will not.'

And on the issue of your brother wanting to send his invitations the same day as you send yours, there seems like a simple solution to that...just send yours earlier without telling anybody that you were going to. That way, the worst case scenario is that he finds out through the grapevine that yours have gone out and then he immediately send his out...which will still get them to your family members a week or two after yours.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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luvathena Posts : 929 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Hi Michelle- You have been given some great advice- I would just add that your statement of "not being able to fx your family in two months" hit me. YOU will never be able to fix them- only they can do that! I have a great deal of experience in this. You will only be constantly hurt and disappointed by them. Step away fro it and protect yourself from these toxic people. 

Your wedding is about you and your fh and your life together. Not about family drama. Stick to your guns and good luck!!!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: luvathena

Not only would I not invite my brother, but if my mother started throwing a fit at the wedding, I would have her removed as well.

Sucks, I know, but honestly, you are completely within your rights to let your mother know that not only are you going to invite your brother, but if she behaves inappropriately at the wedding, than she will be asked to leave.

Good luck.  Other than your father, do you have other people at the wedding that you can rely on?


_______________________________________________________
“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”    - Albert Einstein

 Vote!  http://www.barackobama.com/index.php

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

This really isn't going to affect mom other than she will bitch and gripe and through a HUGE fit up to and through my Day, and then everytime the family remembers my day for all eternity! 

Michelle, I absolutely hear you. My parents are definitely going to show up and try to make my wedding day all about them. That's just how they are. That's why they won't really miss the wedding--b/c it would make them look bad. But it's going to be really obvious that they were uninvolved, and I know they're going to try and make it seem like FH and I are the bad guys in this. However, I think they're just going to make themselves look bad.

So the thing is, let your mom gripe and throw her fit. Have her removed if she causes a scene. It will only reflect badly on her, and you will look all the better for handling the situation gracefully and tactfully. And in the future, when she complains about how terrible your wedding was, or whatever she might say, people will know the truth. Especially if they know her and were there to see her horrible behavior.

I know it's hard to have parents like that, but you have to just accept that you can't change them and that their behavior doesn't reflect on you. Your FILs know you. Your FH knows you. Your family knows you. No one is going to fault you for handling the situation this way. And if they do, then let them think as they will. You can't do anything about it. And like I said before, it's HARD to call someone's bluff--especially when it's your mom. But sometimes you have to.


 

Our Wedding Website: www.mywedding.com/chrisandryanne

 

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willmarrybarry Posts : 84 Registered: 4/15/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

This is a horrible situation and I really feel for you - but my question is, given how mean your mom is to you why are you even inviting HER? You should cut both her and your brother out of the wedding, it will be better for your mental health!!!

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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: willmarrybarry

My moms family thinks i am being a "selfish brat" and has SAID to me when i tried to express that i needed this to be happy... "what about everyone else being happy?" They will side with her, they will at act like i am a horiable person. I don't know what to do! i am so torn up over this!!

Today mom answered the phone when i called only to yell and screem, tell me i WAS GOING TO LISTEN TO HER! Tell me how much an ass Like my Dad i am being, and then say if "She can't have both her children at a family event with-out haveing to take an anti-anxiety to handle it, than she doesn't want to be involved at all." Before i could get a single word out she hung up. I tried to call back 3 times she kept picking up and hanging up without saying anything and then turned her phones off.

I don't know if i am being selfish with this comment but i don't think this is "a family event"  how she said it. i think it is FH and My event that the family is blessed enough to be invited to. Maybe I am a hair selfish but am i wrong that if i can be a little selfish for ONE DAY in my WHOLE WHOLE life it is This ONE Day??


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 9:30 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

I ment to answer this one too, sorry! Ahhh... Mom thinks stealing is wrong and all, and she has always said she knows he did it until now when she wants him invited and knows thats what is holding me back. She told FH on the phone yesterday that she knows he did it too, but she can't really prove it!!!! GRRRR YES WE CAN!!!!

She also thinks for some reason that because my Grandmother made sure that i didn't miss the deposit deadline on my dress, so i wouldn't lose the one of my dreams. That it somehow means i can't be mad about losing the money anymore!!! I totally don't get that??


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 9:31 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Dear Michelle,

Selfish? That's the pot calling the kettle black. She ought to know what "selfish" means. From what you've described, her actions define "selfish".

You know what you have to do. Discuss it thoroughly with FH, come to an agreement with him, then do it.

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deansbride Posts : 220 Registered: 3/24/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 11:56 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

OK, scratch what I said before about inviting your mother as a"guest not a host" she is being horrible! I apologize for being rude but if I had a  mother like that I would not speak to her agian until she apologizes for acting like a child. You should ask yourself if you really wanna put up with this on YOUR wedding day-yes it is all yours, not theirs. Well maybe its a bit your fiance's too, lol. Seriously it is all about you and the man you are going to marry try not to let others poop on your day.

All that being said do you think maybe your mom is acting this way because she feels resposible for having raised a son who would steal so she is taking it out on you-her child who is doing the right things and going places in life? Maybe she feels guilty for the situation and wants things to get better but doesnt know how else other than to force you to include him. I dont know Im just trying to find an explenation for he rediculous (sp) behavior.

again I am so sorry that this is happening-I hope that when the day does finally come you and your fiance have a wonderful day-you deserve it! 

BTW how did your last exam go? Congrats on finishing!

 


Message was edited by: deansbride

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