My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore

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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 8:32 PM

This might get a little long Girls but i really need some advice. i don't even know where to start, i guess i'll just try to tell the story as quickly as i can and if you all need more info i can answer questions later. Ok here we go... i'm a 24 year old bride and my parents have been divorced for about 13 years, i have one brother he's 21 and has Always been my parents favorite. I'm not just feeling pore pitiful me, friends of the family, other kids parents, and even family theripists have commented on it in the past.

This all began because my Mom is trying to force me to invite my Brother to my Wedding. Why i don't want him there doesn't have anything to do with the favoritisim (sorry i'm not the best speller so that most likly wont be the last wrong word). In the last 2 years alone my brother has, hurt my dad so badly he has been in tears to me over my brother, stollen, on more than one occasion, from my mom and I, Skipped out on a loan my mom signed for him for almost $3000, more or less A-Walled from the Marines, knocked up some girl he didn't know, and the CROWNING Glory he STOLE $500 from my room (after braking in to my mom and my house) that was for my WEDDING DRESS!!!!!

I decided i didn't want he at the Wedding, (just a note he was caught that it was him that broke in but refusses to admit he has that money for my dress and Has NEVER apologized for stealing it) i mentioned this decision to mom Months ago and she never said anything. I should also mention here than my Mom is very childish and unbelievable selfish, but i know alot of Brides on here are dealing with parents like that. I should also mention here that of our ruffly 10K budget Mom has only given us about $1500. I know that is a huge gift and i'm not trying to say it's nothing, I'm just mentioning it because i wanted to point out she is in No Way financing this Wedding.

So this all excilated when at Easter Dinner at my Grandparents house my Mother says to me..." i have something to say that is most likely going to piss you off, it's not really up for discussion." We had just been talking about RD and i thought she was going to say that my Dad isn't welcome (my moms parents are hosting, FH family could afford so they offered). I already knew this and had already worked it out with Dad (Parents HATE eachother). I told Mom "ok ok what is it" She busts out with "Your going to invite your Brother to the wedding, there will be out of town family and i want them all to meet his Baby." Is it just me or is this 'Yay i have an illagitimate grandbaby day' or 'Yay my Daughter is getting married day'?? Well after i got my jaw shut and FH stopped with the blank stare i tryed to talk to her AGAIN about our reasons for not wanting him at the Wedding. To this we got "This day is just as much my day as it is yours" and "i've given you xx number of $'s and i want it done my way!!" I still stayed calm although i think at this point FH had given up on this ending pretty. I told her that i was not intitled to forgive someone for something they had not admited to or appologized for and that doing so was just ignoring his behavior like everyone else does and that is reason he is how he is. She starts telling me everything i've ever done wrong which the worst she could come up with is calling her a name one time when i was 16!! i should mention here that i've been Going to the University of Tennessee for 5 year, while working FULL time to pay ALL my own bills including school and NEVER taken/ been given (not that i think i'm intitled but because he takes and takes and takes) a DIME from her! I Graduate with a degree in Child Psychology with a minor in Adolescent Health May 9th 2008 and and Getting Married in July. I'm the child that has become a blessing to society not living off Gov. Rent and Food stamps bucause i have no work ethic like my brother!!

(Sorry Rant over) So as you can see at this point i lost it. I told Mom that she could have back every PENNY of the "help" she had given us and that Brother was never going to appologize because he knew he didn't have to... everyone would expect me to cave and he will always get his way. I got up told FH we were leaving and left... i cried for two days after that. It hurt so badly. FH wanted to sell his Classic 1963 Truck for WAY less than it is worth to give mom her money back... i wouldn't let him do that. I told him i'll just scale back Flowers and maybe our cake to take care of it! He is really a wonderful, LOVING Guy. I don't know what i would do without him.

So what has brought me here today... i talked to my councelor at school and she helped me see that he was going to be the center of attention either way. simple fact: my family is messed up and i don't have time in 2 months to change that. Either he will be there and prance around or everyone will be upset and talking that i wouldn't let him come. I decided just to give in...

THEN last week he anounced that him and baby momma where going to get married (she had a restraining order on him less then a year ago so that is how rediculous this is). He actually said to my Mom and others that if i wouldn't invite him to mine he would just have his own!! He is planning 32 days after me and sending out his invitations 6 weeks early to make sure they go out the same week as mine!! Mom isn't supporting me on this either. MOM just said today when i called to ask her a family members wifes name (the first mention of Invitations by either of us since Easter), she asked if i had Brothers address. I asked why i needed it. (Since the new developments and her continued lack of support and respect i've decided to hold my ground). She said that, I WAS SENDING HIM ONE. She still isn't ASKING me too! I tryed to explain my feeling again as calmly as possible and the worry about his Drama causing... she said " I don't care if you go to his, but you will send him an invitation!!" This was the last straw.... It can NOT be said she feels sibling should be there for these things, because she just said what she said... she just wants to show off "daddy and baby"... she JUST wants her way at all cost to MY FEELING, AND MY DAY!! I told her "mom this is my wedding and i say No." She hung up on me.... i cryed... i don't know what to do... thanks for reading all this and for any help possible.


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 9:42 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Wow!  Stick to your ground girl.  It's your day not hers or his.  If you don't want him there, then he shouldn't be there.  Tell your mom that you'll invite him only if he apologizes and gives you back the money.  If he refuses then he shouldn't come.  Your mother cannot give you an ultimatium.  Especially if you and FH are going to give her back the money that she gave you.  It's not worth it. 
http://tac.families.com/ezb/1039358.png

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MrsJunebug Posts : 333 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 9:55 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

You're right - your brother can't be fixed in two months time.

Go over your budget and see where you can trim $1000 out of it.  You'll have to scale down your plans here and there, but it can be done.  Hand Mom her $1000 and tell her the other $500 went to your brother's sticky fingers and she can collect it from him!  (I'm only half serious about the $500).

Then be done with it.  No money from Mom means no obligation to Mom.

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FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: rubyred1

Seeing how your mother and brother are still talking, I think you should have a security guard there just in case your brother shows up. Also if your mom wants the family or whoever else to meet the baby why not let your mom bring the baby to the wedding but still stick with the NO on your brother coming.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 10:15 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Dear Michelle,

Your counselor is right. You will not be able to fix this family situation in 2 months.

My best suggestion to you is to figure out how to give Mom back her money. I like the idea of giving back $1000, then telling her to go to Brother for the remaining $500.

Then, make your plans without involving your mother. If necessary, change the date so she will not know the exact date.

You will need some kind of security guard or bouncer to keep your brother out of the place. Do you have any trustworthy, menacing-looking friends who enjoy weightlifting?

You may have to totally freeze your Mom as well as Brother out of the whole affair. She is backing you into a corner, and you have every right to push back.

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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 10:18 PM Go to message in response to: FinallyMrsS

thank you girls for the first words of support and advice... i just thought i would add a few things to address some posts.

 I have allerted FH's two very large (steriod gym buff) GM to the situation and they will be on the look out with instructions to excort him out as quietly as possible. I have also offered to invite baby mamma and Baby... I LOVE my NEPHEW this has NOTHING to do with him. he doesn't deserve what he has been delt. Mom was not happy with this. When baby mamma turned out to be just as interested it the Drama and spiteing me, i again offered and told mom she was more than welcome to go get Baby and bring him herself, but she says I can't do that. I HAVE to invite Brother.

Since i posted this an hour ago, Mom has talked to FH  and made the first offical mention of her not showing up to my wedding she said I am tearing (sp) her and her family apart and she just can't take it!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess she doesn't care what i can take when BTW i have my very last Final Exam ever at 8AM tomorrow!


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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stillgroovin Posts : 238 Registered: 11/12/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 11:24 PM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

What does your dad think about all of this? I realize your parents hate each other, but is your dad at least giving you support in not inviting your brother?

I think you've been calm throughout this and reasonable. Yes, I think most agree it's usually wise to invite your immediate family, but this sounds just crazy. You've tried to compromise by inviting nephew and mom. I think most people, if they know the situation, will understand.

If your mom is too selfish to put aside her feelings and attend without a fight, then she's the one tearing you guys apart. 

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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 4, 2008 11:39 PM Go to message in response to: stillgroovin

again dad and brother don't talk either, Brother has done unspeakable things to hurt dad and stepmom.

That said Dad is completly on my side and says it is MY DAY and that i should do what makes me the happiest and most comfurtable regardless. Although he also said that if i want brother there not to exclude brother on dads behalf. I tryed to explain the situation and assure dad it is not about him at all. I didn't tell Dad anything about the "its just as much my day" or the money threat or the stuff today... I don't what to start a fight between them because as of now they are ignoring eachother and that is how i like it, peaceful!

It's hard though because you would think dad on my side would help back me up, but he lives more than 6 hours away. Plus he can't take up for me because again then i WOULD have done something wrong. i would have knowingly started sh$t between mom and dad and that is THE WORST CASE SENARIOS!! Not that Brother hasn't played them against (sp) eachother many-a time to get his way... thats half the reason they are as bad as they are. Of-couse no-one sees that but me either.


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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Abc12345678 Posts : 272 Registered: 2/25/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:06 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

1

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Guest
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

You know what i think?????

I think it would be a great idea if not only your brother not show up, but that your mommy stay home as well. Would you be ok if she was absent on your wedding day? 

sounds to me like shes a control freak, and just wants to start trouble. I liked the idea of giving her back 1,000 and telling her to get it from brother, LOL, it makes perfect sense to me !

 stealing from anyone is wrong, but when you steal from a family member, it cuts alot deeper. your brother sounds like he has a drug problem, and if he's the one hurting the family all the time, and causing you all this stress, you have every right to hold your ground and say  " NO "  to inviting him.

sounds like you mom is like one of those moms who put there kids through all these acting classes, cheerleading, whatever, and try to relive there dreams through there kids by making all there decisions to be what " THEY " want, not what the kids want.

Tell her to take a chill pill byshoving it up her ass, and then say that you wont be including her in any of the wedding decisions, nor will she be invited to attend because of her actions. Keepthe meatheads around though, she will probably show up anyway, even if she says she wont.

sorry your mom so eff'ed up, but at least you know that if your future hubby can go through all this with you, you two will be able to do anything together, and will have a stronger bond becasue of it.

HANG IN THERE SWEETY !  everything will be alright, good luck on your test tomorrow, congrats on making something out of yourself, your an incredible woman for doing all you do with what's going on in your life, it's almost over........


Innocent His Angel 8-3-08

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:32 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

As hard as it may be, I agree with the PP.  Stick to your guns.  Do not allow your brother to be there.  If your mother choses to not attend, that is HER choice.  An incredibly selfish choice but her choice nonetheless.  It seems as thought she is drawing her lines in the sand to see how far she can push you.  

Do what is best for you and FH.  Best of luck. 


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Michelle070508 Posts : 64 Registered: 12/15/07
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:37 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

thanks for the support... lol no Drug problem just selfish and doesn't want to work to suport himself. It makes me laugh because my bestfriend and my counselor at school said the same thing when i was telling them about this situation.

It would really bother me if she wasn't there... not to mention when Drama got started like this between her and my Dad for my High school Graduation and she didn't "get to" (choose to) partisipate in that... it is still getting thrown up in my face that I HURT HER with that situation. I didn't even know what the fight was over at the time. Infact that is one thing she was going crazy about at Easter. That is just a side thought though...what is really important is that my mom and i have a normally decent relationship if you can keep all convo of Brother out of it. I love her... i just can't have Brother in my life anymore. It sucks but it is what it is.

Bottom line though as much as it HURTS me if she says anything to me about not comeing i will just have to tell her, "don't then"... i can't let her see how much i care that she's there or she will think she can manipulate me with it.


My McDreamy and My McDog ... what else could a girl ask for??

Michelle and Travis 07-05-08!!

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:40 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Hey Michelle,

When I read stories about not inviting family members to the wedding, I usually tell people that it's usually just causing unneccessary drama. However in this case, I'm making an exception.

How your brother is handling his own affairs is his own business. It really doesn't even matter how y'all get along. What matters is the fact that he has STOLEN from you on more than one occasion. And on this particular occasion, what's to stop him from stealing your wedding presents?

You don't want him there, I don't see a reason for him to come. I would suggest that you give your mom her $1000 and tell her to get the other $500 from your brother. And tell her that if she wants her family to see the new baby, she can either bring him herself or have her family over to her house the day after the wedding. I would also assign a couple friends (try 2 or 3) to escort your brother out if he shows up, and another friend to watch the gift table.

As far as your mom's threat to not show up, I know how you feel. My parents are doing the same thing--I'm not doing things their way, so they've threatened more than once to boycott my wedding. I honestly don't think that they'll go through with it, b/c their primary concern is how they look and they know how terrible it'll look for them to boycott my wedding. But back to your situation. I would call her bluff. I would say, "Mom, I would LOVE to have you with me on my wedding day. But my decision about brother stands, and if you don't like it, you don't have to come. It's your choice. But either way, I'm still getting married. I'm doing things my way, and that's the end of it". Leave it on her. Ultimately, it will be HER that isn't in your pictures and HER who will look bad to her grandchildren when you have to explain why grandma isn't in any of your wedding pictures. Believe me, I know that is a terribly difficult thing to say to your mom. But sometimes, you have to. She's trying to control you, trying to manipulate you. And if you let her, she'll just do it again, and you'll be caught in this vicious cycle that is REALLY unhealthy.

Good luck, hun! hugs

 


 

Our Wedding Website: www.mywedding.com/chrisandryanne

 

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 12:52 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

That is an insane story. I was in a wedding where we had people (my FH and his brother) look out for a guy who might come to the wedding. It was a long story but he did not end up showing up, if he did he would have probably gotten knocked out. 

If I were you I would call your brother and flat out tell him he isnt invited. You have told your mom and she doesn't get it but you want to make sure that HE knows. I know it will be a bad situation but at least you can make sure he knows he isnt invited incase he doesn't already know. Then have people at the wedding aware of the issue and on look out for him. If he shows up they can have him escorted out. You might also look into a restraining order against your brother. I know it sounds extreme but with the wedding I was in there was a restraining order on the guy who threatened to show up and if he did then he would either be escorted out by someone there or the police would be called and take him to jail. 

Of corse that step is up to you and how badly you want to make sure your brother does not attend your wedding. You might also consider taking legal action to get your $500 back. I know $500 isnt the largest sum of money but if you do something wrong you should be punished for it. Your brother stole and he should have to face the music.  

I don't see anyway to make this situation not dramatic anymore, so do what you can to make sure things are best for you. Your mom is obviously out of hand as well as your brother. So do what you can to shut your mom up and keep your brother away. And you are right, your wedding is not the day for your mom to show off your brothers child and forget how unacceptable his behavior has been. I am actually curious as to what your mom thinks about his stealing too.  

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mobride09 Posts : 519 Registered: 3/5/08
Re: My Mother... i don't know what to do anymore
Posted: May 5, 2008 1:08 AM Go to message in response to: Michelle070508

Wow, I wish I could give you a big hug.  If it helps (and I know it probably won't) I know what you are going through.  My older sister steals from me and anyone else she can every chance she gets.  She stole my mom's credit card twice.  I am worried about having her at my wedding for my guests' sake.  People tend to leave their purses laying around at weddings and it would not be a  big deal for her to dive right into them. 

My advice (and what I am doing) is stick to your guns.  It sucks, I know, because even if you don't want to deal with him anymore, he's still your brother and deep down (at least in my case) you love him, but there is nothing you can do to change him.  Or your mother.  Moms can be very stubborn, especially when they think they are right.  I think that if you want your mom there though, it sounds like she will come whether she is happy about it or not.  She may fold, but you shouldn't.  It's your day and you have to make sure that YOU and FH are happy.  At least you will have your dad.

Again I am really sorry for what you are going through.  I know how hard it is, but it sounds like you have come through a lot to get to where you are, and now is the time to enjoy it! You're getting ready to graduate and you are getting MARRIED!!  Congrats, and good luck on your final!


I marry the man of my dreams 5/2/09!

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