Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: KateS

Dear Kate,

I was just in Frederick a few months ago! What a nice community. I visited their public library and had lunch in a Spanish restaurant downtown.

I had been through Frederick before, but had never taken the time time to stop and check it out.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I don't really have too much to say about the 'whose name goes on the invite' issue, except to say that I don't think it's the biggest problem here. And since your daughter's wedding isn't until June 2009 (if I read it right), you don't have to worry about it for a while. So why not sit back, see how the father behaves, and THEN decide (based on his actions, not his words), whether he DESERVES to be on the invitation or not.

I did notice that someone said not to use a certain bridal shop. If you're in the DC area, I HIGHLY recommend White Swan Bridal in Vienna, VA. The staff is WONDERFUL. My bridesmaid dresses were detained for gov't security screenings (while en route from the manufacturer to the store) and destroyed. They took care of everything - which involved reordering the gowns with a super-rush on the order at no cost to us - and are bending over backwards to get the alterations done in time. Since the second order of dresses didn't arrive until a few weeks before the wedding, they are STAYING OPEN LATE two nights before my wedding and DOING ALL THE SEWING OVERNIGHT so that my sister can get her alterations done in time. I can't say enough about how wonderful they are. Another plus is that they have all the bridal gowns set up on mannequins so that you can actually see what they look like before trying them on.

And on the cost of weddings in the DC area - you are right. You can't have a wedding for 100 guests with a sit-down dinner, nice flowers, and all the works here for less than 15K. I tried. But you have two choices: you can either pay more to get the wedding you want, or you can change your plan and pay the price you want. But nobody is forcing you to pay 15K for your daughter's wedding. That is your decision.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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jessd0320 Posts : 1,491 Registered: 7/4/06
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I am not going to make an issue of whether or not parents should be paying for weddings and whatnot. For my wedding, my DH and I paid for the entire thing with a very small amount from each set of parents (only $700 total). I wasn't bothered by it at all, I'm still very proud that we were able to finance the whole thing ourselves without the use of credit cards.

That being said, both sets of parents were listed on our invite. We did it this way because Dh and I viewed it more as a statement of our relationship with our parents, rather than who footed the bill.

Maybe you could come up with a more clear answer if you tried looking at it this way. It sounds like dad's relationship with the kids isnt too great. I say if your current husband is more of a dad to the kids, has a better relationship, maybe include him instead of real dad. Or maybe just include yourself. But whatever is chosen, it should be your daughter's decision. Yeah, your mom can have her opinions, but the only opinion to listen to here is your daughter's.

Good luck.


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Message was edited by: jessd0320

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uno Posts : 619 Registered: 1/4/08
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: KateS

Thanks for explaining the situation more clearly.  At first you said something about "paying for half" and I wasn't sure what that meant... half of the budget? half of what dad contributes?  But I now see you've set your limit and so has her dad (I agree, get his $ asap).  I told my dad (who I know will not back out) "you are responsible for paying for these number of things" I gave him a list and an approx. cost.  That way, at the reception he can physically see that he paid for the food, beer, etc. that totals what he originally told me.  I know he would never in a million years give me a check in the amount so I gave him certain things to pay for.  That way he can tell everyone that he paid for this and that and that (which is fine by me - at least I don't have to pay!)

I also agree about taking him to court for back child support.  Just because he was unemployed doesn't mean he didn't have the means to pay support nor does it mean that his future wages (or at the time unemployment benefits) couldn't have been garnished.  Also, get out your divorce agreement -- at what age does it say that the payments stop? Does it say anything about continuing payment while the child is in college? (My dad paid child support for me until I graduated college- My parents divorced when I was 21 and I did not live with either of them after the divorce, nor did either of them pay for my college... but it was getting my mom more $ that she needed to live so I was fine with it) Anyway, you also mentioned that her dad will not help pay for college, which he probably isn't supposed to do anyways (but read your divorce agreement to see if he should be contributing to that as well).  I understand you want to help out your child as much as possible but just because that's your feelings, her dad isn't required to do the same. 

Back to the original question about dad's name being on the invitiations... IF he does pay (regardless of what she does with the money -- towards a house or the wedding or a honeymoon) I think his name should go on the invitations.  You could always do a "together with their parents" on the invites. 


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KateS Posts : 208 Registered: 7/14/06
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Dear AOTB - We just moved to Frederick in the fall and love it!  We live near the downtown and have enjoyed the park and the wonderful restaurants.  I am thinking you either ate at Isabella's (tapas) or Ciricque - both really nice.  Also great Indian and Ethiopian here as well.  Stop and say hin next time you are in town!  :)
Kate

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 3:05 PM Go to message in response to: KateS

dear Kate,

We had heard about "great tapas" in Frederick, but ended up at the "wrong" restaurant! Who would have guessed two Spanish restaurants in Frederick would be on the same street.

I really enjoyed walking around the downtown area. Pedestrian-friendly, clean and interesting.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: KateS

Geez, Kate. You're right about that being a rant--we didn't need every detail of your divorce, finances, and your ex's finances. To cut to the chase--what does your mother's opinion have to do with anything? You're a grown woman, the mother of a bride to be, and married at least twice. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. The only people who should have any input here are you and your daughter.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 15, 2008 11:49 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I totally agree with Myra.

That being said, our invitations said, 'ArtBride and ArtGroom together with their parents blah, blah, blah...' Both our sets of parents are still married, but we wanted everybody to be included and it seemed too wordy with both sets of parents' names on there. I don't care for invitations that say, 'Mother of the bride and her husband, Father of the bride and his new wife, Ex-Stepmother of the Bride and her boyfriend, Father of the Groom, Mother of the Groom and her lesbian partner, Grandmother of the Groom, and the Happy Couple's Dog all invite you to share in the joy of Bride and Groom...' An exaggeration, but that verbose an invitation always makes me go 'HUH???' We opted for 'together with their parents' so as to avoid listing too many names.  


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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TakeBackYourWed... Posts : 139 Registered: 4/5/08
Re: Whose paying for the wedding & who is on the invite
Posted: Apr 16, 2008 12:53 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

You don't clarify if "my daughter, while sad..." is that she's sad he won't be on the invitation or that he is not paying but is fine with him not on the invitation?

There are many ways to view the invitation and perhaps your mom is pointing out the "Historic document" nature of wedding invitations... the scrapbook aspect to them.  You are in essence omiting the man who created her from this document.  It's totally fine if nobody cares, of course.  :)  But your mom may think of wedding invitations as something really nice to have and to "fond over" later in life... and your future grandkids may ask why grandaddy wasn't on the invitation.

If your daughter is really sad his name won't appear, then you can DEFINITELY word things on the invite such that it's clear he's the father, but not the host.  If you're Beth, your DH is Bob, and his name is Frank it would be like:

Beth and Bob Bubby invite you to the marriage of their daughter, Lulu, daughter of Frugal Frank, and Son In Law, son of X and Y.


Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter 2007!

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