This is real life, not a book!

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TakeBackYourWed... Posts : 139 Registered: 4/5/08
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 1:07 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'll admit I only skimmed the answers because I'm not sure my advice, spun through a marriage counselng perspective, is very common advice. In a "systems approach" you look at the ENTIRE situation, not just what you are saying is the immediate question.  So let's start with tons of questions:

1 - what does your fiance think of your stress and this situation?

2 - what do your parents know of the wealth of your future in-laws?  do they hold any expectations as "parents of the bride"?  do they know the in laws have been asked to pay more?

3 - has a budget been set?  do you know how many people can be invited and divided things up in a fair way?

4 - is more money going to make a much better wedding?  are you upset that your wedding "could" be nicer, or are you upset that you are going to have a rather dismal wedding on a shoestring budget and your rehearsal dinner may very well be nicer than the wedding itself?  or is it just annoying that money could be spent and isn't?

5 - Do you parents know your opinion that your IL's should be "helping pay more?"

6 - have you and fiance discussed money in your own relationship?  money is a huge topic in marriage and I hope you are able to use this situation to talk about what money means to each of you.  Weddings are just one of so, so, so many times that money rears its ugly head...whether you get a low end baby crib or a nice crib, a small house or stretch and get a nicer house but clip coupons, buy a new car or used car, take a road trip or spend the money to fly somewhere, etc.

Anyway if you answered some of those questions it'll give a LOT more meat to your situation and help us help you! :)


Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter 2007!

http://www.thefirstdance.com

~~Managing the Family Dynamics of Wedding Planning through a book, dvd, wedding stress coaching, articles and more~~

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 1:11 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Dear Mushaboo,

"Aunt, how would you approach the situation in tactful terms since you are so good at that?"

I'm not clear what you are asking. I'll assume, but please clarify if I guess wrong.

How would I deal with a situation where I come from a family of limited income and married a man from a wealthy family?

I would recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed of when one is living within one's means. If I am making an honest living and supporting myself within my means, whatever those means are, I can look anyone on this planet straight in the eye.

I'd take whatever money I have that can go towards a wedding (my own, FH's, any money offered by parents) and plan as nice an event as possible.

I'd rather have a modest wedding, and hear "Sonny married such a nice girl" than a lavish wedding and hear "Sonny married a golddigger".

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lilibride Posts : 8 Registered: 12/16/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 1:17 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

What has your fiance said about this whole situation??! Is there anyway he can rationalize with them to understand that your parents simply cannot afford this? I feel for you, my FMIL keeps adding guests to our list plus 70% of the guests are my FH family. His parents haven't even offered any fanancial help, I guess be thankful that you got a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner. I know, it's not fair. Makes you wanna pick up and elope in vegas.
 

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coastiebride Posts : 1,365 Registered: 3/26/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 1:42 AM Go to message in response to: TakeBackYourWed...

Turie be greatful for the generosity of your FIL's I havn;t seen a dime from mine nor will I! despite the fact that most of the guests are on their side, but i was able to still keep to my original guest list i wanted of no more then 125! My parents have been very very generous with me and gave me 13K budget which is much higher then anything i would of ever thought i would of received from them despite the fact that my parents have tons of money! My fh and i saved up money for months thinking we would get very little from my parents and knowing full well we wouldn;t see anything from his side. WE never expected my parents to pay for it and we were going to take the whole thing under our own wing. Even as a young couple. my parents fed me clothed me took care of me when i was sick and i never went without anything that i needed. So i would never ask them to pay for something Would we of been able to afford the same type of wedding that we are going to have no! But it dosn;t matter we just want to finally be together after 3 years of him in the military and separated it rally didn;t matter, although i am greatful Now is the 13K going to cover everything from the shoes to the RH to the HM NO! So we are picking everything else up the honeymoon the RH limos ect ect

What i think is best for you to do is ask your parents what they are offering figure out what you and your Fh are willing to contribute  without getting a loan! You will be surprised how much you can save if you dont go out and get a pedi every 2 weeks or starbucks a few times a week not going out to dinner. And figure out how much its going to cost for food and cake and figure out how many people you can invite without going over 1.2 of your budget! And STICK to your budget!!!! Then go explain to your inlaws that you can only invite 40 people from there side and to make a list from most important to least. What also saved us tons of money was we are not allowing guests, we really dont want to pay for someone we dont know i would hate to explain to my great aunt sorry but my cousin stephanie had to bring a date so you cant go! And we also have no friends coming besides our wedding party and all of your other friends understand and told us we would love to come but we understand due to money and size constraints it happens so we are going to have a BBQ after we come back from our HM with all of our other friends how can;t make it and they are all more then happy just to do that!

i hope this helps  


 Lets not all get caught up in our wedding. Remember we should not only be planning for a our wedding but more so we should be planning for  our marriage. More so then fighting over shades of peach, tuxs, cake flavors and only god knows what else. Because the next morning it is over, guests are gone the flowers have died the cake well lets face it 1/2 of it was tossed out. Cinderella is still a maid, the limo is now a pumpkin And there is life to face ok after wild crazy monkey sex for 7 nights straight, lets not kid out selfs there are priorities After its all gone there's still bills to pay and a job to go back to

Going to the Chapel December 6th 2008

Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E

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daybug Posts : 159 Registered: 10/7/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 3:21 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think you are being INCREDIBLY selfish. You are and adult, are you not? If so, it is no one's responsibility to pay for your wedding but YOUR OWN!! Just because they are wealthy and have the means to pay for a wedding, they are not at all required to do so. I think it's awful that you are acting the way you are. If I were them and you continued to act the way you are, I wouldn't even pay for the HM and RD. GET OVER IT and take care of it yourself!!

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Guest
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 9:25 AM Go to message in response to: daybug

And you know what I find even sicker about the OP. Not only is she complaining that her FIL's are ONLY giving her and FH a RD and HM.....and she also actually ASKED for more $ from her FIL's....but that she would take a DIME from her own parents who according to her are BROKE!!!

What a selfish little brat.

OP earn your own money and fund your own damn wedding and stop crying like a toddler over money that isn't YOURS!!!

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Jerseygal8785 Posts : 144 Registered: 12/5/06
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 1:54 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree with both sides . .however it 70% of the guest list is theres then why don't you have your parents talk to them about paying for their own guests . .that should cut down on a lot and that is a reasonable request but i think it should be parent to parent and you should get out of the middle .. . .but my FP are paying for the rehearsal and gave us $4000 for the honeymoon and photographer .. . it totally didn't cover it but whatever it helped but now they seem like they do so much meanwhile my parents are paying about $50,000 on the whole wedding because it's my dream to have a big wedding and they just want me to be happy knowing it happens once . .. but my FP's are like yeah well it costs this much and blah blah blah and it's frustrating, i said thank you very much but still my parent's are just being cool about it . .i have to say to treat for something and then complain about the cost isn't exactly ideal.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: Jerseygal8785

Well, I'd like to hear from the OP. What do you think about what everyone has said? And don't try to tell me that you haven't been reading every response! :)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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lostinthemission Posts : 102 Registered: 3/19/08
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This is what you. Cut their guest list. Everyone gets the same amount of guests. If they get angry say because you can't afford it or your parents. Say you need to pay for food, flowers, transportation, clothing, Dj, photography, videography, decorations, and so on. Just plain out tell them your doing by the book. When you have a budget you do the most reasonable thing. CUT THE GEUST LIST! Tell them it's in all the books, lol, even show them a couple if they don't believe you... Also, they have pretty much NO say in the guest list. They aren't contributing to the reception. If they really want those extra people there they can pay for them!!! :o) This wanted to make me pull my hair out haha... I just really think it's ludacris to invite people you don't know and care about to your special day, and feel obligated to cut out everything you want for someone else to make it into a social occassion. If your REALLY REALLY want to get rid of unwanted guests, pick a "cozy" place for ceremony and reception. She can't invite 300 people if there's only room for 50.

I am going to be sweet, Mrs. Sweet that is!

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Gina1980 Posts : 26 Registered: 9/7/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i am deleting this....

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Gina1980 Posts : 26 Registered: 9/7/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:25 PM Go to message in response to: daybug

i am in a similar situation and was offended by your crudeness towards this girl.  history SAYS that it's the parent's responsibility, not hers. 

she is not being selfish, she is just going with the norms of society.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: Gina1980

I dont think it's a norm in 2008 to have the parents pay for an entire wedding....and what if they cant? Then you dont have a wedding at all?

Formerly Ama102707

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Gina1980 Posts : 26 Registered: 9/7/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

people posted some mean responses.  don't listen to them, as i said i know how you feel.  i don't know why they are even on this board when we are supposed to be helping each other and giving moral support, not calling others names.

as they say...

if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

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Gina1980 Posts : 26 Registered: 9/7/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

as for my wedding, we are still doing the BIG BASH even though its mostly out of our pockets.  it's just a shame to see a family not help out their future daughter in law when they definetly have the means to do so. 

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: This is real life, not a book!
Posted: Apr 9, 2008 4:34 PM Go to message in response to: Gina1980

I hate to go all knot.com on you Gina, but you've been on this board for all of 6 posts....believe me no one on this board goes by the saying "if you dont have anything nice, dont say it at all" Maybe some don't say it with as much color and flare as others but everyone is being brutally honest. When you post someone on an anonymous board thats what tends to happen.

Formerly Ama102707

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