She's driving me nuts.

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We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 3, 2008 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: Kirbyyy

Kirby-

Fh says I just need to get off his mom...Wow. Thats like saying he wants his mom to do that stuff for you guys.  Your FH needs to take a step back and look at himself from a different point of view.  It's hard because he may be sooo used to his mom doing things for him all the time.   But he's not a boy anymore.  He should learn to do things on his own...cooking and cleaning included.  But once he does kind of see it "outside of his bubble" so to speak, he should realize that his mom is trying to be very controlling.  He should step up to her and tell her to lay off a little and it will happen slowly...but it will happen.

One of the PP's quoted the bible...a man shall leave his mother and cleave to his wife.  Even if your FH and FIL are not religious, it's still a matter of you are two individual people who come from two backgrounds or "stories".  He has his story with his family, and you with yours.  When a couple decides to get married they are deciding to create their own story, SEPARATE from their old stories.  Your story may be molded from a mixture of both stories, but it's still YOUR story.  Whether he likes it or not, he needs to learn to kind of detatch, I guess you could say, from his mother.  She'll always be his mother, and she'll be there when you need her, but now is the time to start your own story....

Sorry I didn't really help much.  Good luck getting her off your back!


**I love him like a fat kid loves cake**  Kiss

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 3, 2008 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: Kirbyyy

Dear Kirby,

"Fh says I just need to get off his mom"

If you think things are bad now, wait until later.

I repeat what I said. You need to grow a backbone and tell FH that either he gets his mother under control or you're calling off the wedding and the relationship.

It is not your problem. It is his problem. If he wants to get married and stay married to anyone, he will have to stand up to his mother no matter who he marries.

Else, he'll have a string of marriages and divorces and an Ex-Wives/Girlfriends Club full of women swapping stories about Momma and Momma's Boy.

Do you want to be Member One of that club?

I have known mothers and sons like that. I woudn't touch their sons with a ten-foot pole.

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futurefiance Posts : 39 Registered: 9/22/07
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 5, 2008 3:24 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I think the OP wrote something about things getting 'better' after they get away from her MIL.

I don't mean to sound like a downer but these sort of things don't better without some serious backbone and boundaries that will more than likely result in temper tantrums from those that don't WANT boundaries.

Moving away or getting away won't solve the problem BECAUSE 1. your DH seems to not mind enough to say anything or do anything about this and 2. if you live far enough away you'll need to be prepared for LOOOOOOONG weekend/weekful visits on her vacation schedule.  All of this little back and forth annoyances will be concentrated into one long intense family gathering and it won't be fun ESPECIALLY if your DH just wants you to suck it up and shut up.  Just imagine what this will be like once/if you have a child.  WOW there will be more pressure for loong get togethers and I can only imagine how your mothering will be undermined if she isn't given boundaries now.

Buy a book about TOXIC people make your DH read it and put into practice your bounderies, stick by them and then focus on not letting MIL rent too much space in your head. 

I am keeping in mind that I only have your side of the story.  Young marrieds sometimes feel a little insecure and 'suggestions' tend to come across as 'domineerings'.  But either way, if you know what your bounderies are and you act civilly in keeping your boundaries then you'll be on the right track.

I also suggest being more direct with her, don't try to passive-aggressively stop her from going to your house and cleaning.  Call her up and let her know how you feel in the nicest way possible.

"Hi MIL!  Thanks so much for the offer to help out with my house but since this will be my first new home with my new hubby I want to be the first to give it a new elbow-grease cleaning.  But don't worry we'll make sure to invite you over to celebrate after I finish, maybe we can have a barbeque and you can help me plan it?"

"No, I'm definite that I want to do it myself.  Thanks again for the offer.  I got to go but I'll call you back soon!"  CLICK

 repeat as necessary


**********I don't know what I want for my wedding, I just know I want him for my marriage!************

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TakeBackYourWed... Posts : 139 Registered: 4/5/08
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 5, 2008 10:12 PM Go to message in response to: Kirbyyy

Your FI thinks his mom is normal and you are the wacky one.  Any time you critique her you are insulting him and the woman who raised him and whom he loves dearly.  You would never want to marry a man who hates his mom - that is never a good sign for a successful marriage!

Are you two getting any premarital counseling?  It is really important to see a highly qualified marriage counselor who can help the two of you.  The mom is not going away, the mom is not going to magically become a new person, and your fiance is not going to say, to a woman (you) that he's only known for... a few years, "ya know, screw the woman who raised me and loves me and would die for me... I'll do anything you say and ignore my mom.'

Things are a lot more complicated and he hasn't the perspective to understand his own family of origin issues so all he sees is you going a little wacky about "nothing".  This is part of what premarital counseling can do- give you a sense of your family of origin, how that plays into your relationship now, and how it'll impact your marriage.

Summary: attacking her does NOTHING but puts him on the defensive.  People on the defensive are not responsive nor good listeners.  Non-responsive people won't do anything but get more angry over time. 

The problem then becomes NOT his mother, but the two of you.  If the two of you can work out your communication styles, not get defensive or attack each other, then you will figure out the solution for him talking to his mom.  Because the reality is she's going to be a hard nut to crack but as long as you have your groom "standing up for you", then you two can laugh at her wacky ways!  But if she's wacky and he doesn't care, then you are going to grow into one bitter woman married to him and not understand your role in making him, and the entire situation, miserable.


Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter 2007!

http://www.thefirstdance.com

~~Managing the Family Dynamics of Wedding Planning through a book, dvd, wedding stress coaching, articles and more~~

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Angele Posts : 76 Registered: 8/15/07
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 5, 2008 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: Kirbyyy

First off, honey, sit your boy down and spell it out for him. Notice I said "boy" and not "man". Second I agree with AOTB, either he needs to cut the umbilical cord or you shouldn't get married. The fact that you were pressured into buying a house, in a town that you dislike, are huge warning signs about how it's going to be when and if you do marry this guy. His mom actually wants to come over and clean it for you? Hello, that is not a sign of generosity. That's an excuse for her to make an even bigger niche in your lives, once you're married, and to create a massive rip in your relationship. Put your foot down. I hate to sound so drastic, but it has to be you or his mother. He can't have it both ways.  

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Kirbyyy Posts : 18 Registered: 12/2/07
Re: She's driving me nuts.
Posted: Apr 8, 2008 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: Angele

The get off my mom wasn't really in a mean tone, I'm sure it came across that way.  But the tongue lashing came, anyway. 

She came to the house this weekend, without me, and actually didn't clean.  And complimented what I had done with it to other people there. Not to say my nails weren't bloody from scrubbing SO hard that she couldn't pick the place apart, but maybe that will show her.  Wink

It's allll getting better and FH is starting to realize how important OUR home is to me, that I don't want her to have ANOTHER home, and to let me make make my own decisions.

 We were brought up in really different ways, his mom staying at home and CLEANING HOUSES FOR A LIVING and dad working- my mom and dad both working.  I was very independent growing up, although I still live with mom and dad. 

More of the problem comes from her smothering "be careful" "be sure and wash the cabinets" and "just be careful pulling out of the driveway" habits.  It's just her, and I'm trying to get better at shutting her down before she offers another suggestion on how to arrange my mugs or buys more towels that don't match ANYTHIng I have.

I've got to get a grip. Innocent


Kirby ..... McCasland <3

      10.04.08

 

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