Best friend being jealous driving me crazy

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Camrynsmom Posts : 158 Registered: 2/26/08
Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 11:17 AM

I have a best friend who has been very jealous of me for absolutely no reason our entire friendship.  In High School it was the track team..."your better than me, thats not fair, they give you all the good races"  early 20s it was guys.."not fair why do you get all the good ones....and I only get the a-holes (because she didn't keep any of the good ones around)  and now....

I have been with my FH 6 yrs, we have survived 1 major break-up, family drama and child birth.  I was waiting for the day we got engaged for like EVER!!!  She has been dating her guy 2 yrs, she is previously married and has a very on again off again relationship with him.  It seemed that whenever a friend of ours would get engaged, she would sulk and cry and say its not fair.  She wants to get married, why is everyone else getting engaged?

We got engaged July 29th 2007 and she was the first one I called.  I ended up leaving her a message and she didn't call me back for 2 days!  I even sent her a picture text of my hand with the engagement ring on it!  And from the day I told her, she has not only been overly pressuring her BF to propose, she has been PHYSICALLY planning her own non existant wedding!  I mean, going dress shopping, she is pulling out dresses she likes for herself for me to try on so she can see how it looks.  And making it verbal too.  My mother even had to say something to her "we are trying on dresses for her, one day you will have your turn but for now, please let her have her moment"  Every time I book something and we talk about it, she starts talking about the theme of her wedding.  Even right down to one of the venues I visited, she called there to see if they had her NON EXISTENT wedding date available in 2009. 

She promised me that the day I got engaged she would not sulk like she does for everyone else, but I am pretty sure she lied about that.  I am not one of those MY WEDDING MUST BE ON EVERYONE'S MIND 24-7 Brides, but DAMMIT when is enough enough?  She does not seem happy for me at all, and my other BM's have noticed as well "I didn't know blah blah blah is engaged?"  SHE'S NOT!!!!!

I am all for her getting married if that is what she wants, who I am I to say what's best for her, but how do I tell her she is insulting me and upsetting me?  Not that I don't want her to have dreams, and one day when she is planning her wedding I will Jump right in and be super excited for her!  I love her to death, but her antics are not annoying....they are down right UPSETTING.  She is supposed to be my best friend.  Am I overreacting? 


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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 2:55 PM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

I must admit that I only read the first half of your looong story, but you choose your friends. If she's always been this way (and it sounds as annoying as hell), then WHY is she still your best friend?

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 3:52 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I'm with Myra - why on earth are you friends with her?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 5:13 PM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

Dear CM,

She's riding your coattails. Shake her off.

Do you planning and shopping without inviting her along.

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springorchid Posts : 176 Registered: 4/8/07
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

How can you be best friends if she is jealous of you?  She sounds down right toxic to be around.  You're not overreacting, you're under-reacting.  

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 6:28 PM Go to message in response to: springorchid

I have the same question as the PPs: why is she your friend if she has always been so unpleasant to be around?  Friendships are supposed to make you happy.  I mean, no friend is perfect, there will be ups and downs.  But this girl sounds like a nonstop downer. 

I hope your FH fits the description of a friend better than she does: someone whose presence uplifts you and makes you feel like your best self!


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 23, 2008 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

C- I get what you're experiencing exactly!  My BF and I have been friends since I moved here in 2000.  The longer I dated my FH the more distant we got despite the fact we always invited her out.  Her and I still had shopping dates, lunch dates, movie days, etc. 

It got worse when I lost a lot of weight last year.  She went to the beach with me once, then practically dropped of my radar.  She was the person I knew (or thought) I could always count on, dress shop with, craft with, and she would be my MOH and saving grace.  Same thing happened to me with the engagement.  I called.  No return call for like 4 days.  We've seen each other 2 times since I got engaged. 

So, I've asked her to now be a bridesmaid, and she might even be demoted to just a guest.  I cried and was very upset feeling we weren't close anymore.  I thought I had done something to offend her.  Just find someone that you're close to (I have a really great co-worker who has stepped up to the MOH role and although I'm still sad, I try to push on and still email and call the old friend) that can help you with all your planning.  If you ever get the chance, try to talk to her.  I tried that and my friend said it wasn't fair that I didn't even want to get married ever when we met and I was getting all she wanted and she was the single one.  Ugh.  It's hard.  Good luck!!!

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 2:19 AM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

I am just wondering why you are friends with her? She did not suddenly become a jealous person because of your engagement she has always been that way. So I just do not understand how much fun you can have with a friend who always wines about how you have it better. My best friend is extremely supportive and happy for me and my engagement, and she is no where near close to a proposal considering the fact that she does not have a boyfriend. And when she does get engaged I will be just as happy and supportive of her. I understand that many girls cannot wait to find their dream man and be proposed to. However, there is no need for jealousy when the girl who is engaged is your good friend. i would suggest sticking with friends who want to be happy and supportive of you , not friends who want to completely copy you. 

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KatharineC Posts : 940 Registered: 2/6/08
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 4:05 AM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

Wow, Camrynsmom, I feel really bad for you. Having someone who is not even engaged fake-planning their wedding when they're supposed to be happy and helping YOU out - this is not the act of a friend of any kind. I know it's hard to get rid of some friends if you want to! DO you want to? Because there must be something you like about this girl, to have been best friends with her for so long. So I think you have to ask yourself if you'd rather dump her as a friend altogether (just stop calling, and make excuses if she calls you), or if you can talk to her and explain she's insulting you and being unreasonable. If you don't think she'll ever change, then what are you doing in the friendship?
 

When is my wedding

On October 31st 2008 I marry my One True Love!

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Guest
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

It all sounds amazingly like High School to me.

If she is your best friend and you KNOW she is a "jealous" type, then you should accept her for her short commings.

If she is a "jealous" type and you can't stand people like that then why in the heck ar you "best friends" with her?

Have you thought maybe that you might be glaoting a bit? I mean, to know she is a "jealous" type and if you "love her to death", why would you send a Picture message on her phone of your ring?

Yes it is your "time" to plan your wedding...but the worl dosen't stop. You have your weding day, and that's that. If she is "insulting" you by being "jealous" then distance yourself from her.

And the fact that you and your FH have been togetehr for 6 years, survived a "big break up", a family issue, and a child birth does NOT give you more "right" to get married than anyone else.

That came off as you sounding VERY condesending. And if you are being that way then it would seem that your, in sort, instigating your Best friend.

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MrsAWarner Posts : 191 Registered: 2/18/08
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 10:21 AM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

"Have you thought maybe that you might be glaoting a bit? I mean, to know she is a "jealous" type and if you "love her to death", why would you send a Picture message on her phone of your ring?"

Amen Gin. I thought exactly the same thing when I read that she had sent a pic of the e-ring after not getting a call for 2 days all the while KNOWING that her BF is the 'jealous' type.

I'm sorry that your friend is behaving this way, but you knew it was coming. Even though you say she promised she wouldn't do this you knew deep down that she would. It's her nature to be jealous and whiny, you basically said that when you told us she's been this way since high school.

I know that I had friends like that in high school. Thing is, the key word in that last sentence was had. I no longer speak to them because I choose not to keep that kind of drama in my life. Now, nobody can tell you who you should or shouldn't be friends with, but in this situation I'm sorry to say that you made your bed. True, her actions would be irksome to anybody, but as of now the best thing you can do is be straight up and talk to her about it. 

Honestly though, I don't see what she is hurting by planning a non-existant wedding. I've got a couple of friends are getting married for real around the same time I am and we are having a blast planning our weddings together. Heck, maybe you could humor her a bit and ask for or offer wedding advice. It might even put her more in the mood for your wedding. 


 

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Camrynsmom Posts : 158 Registered: 2/26/08
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 10:39 AM Go to message in response to: MrsAWarner

I only sent her the pic of the ring to get her attention so she would call me back.  I thought maybe she hadn't gotten my call or checked her messages yet.

As for the gloating thing, I don't gloat, she calls me to find things out and then quickly changes the subject to her imaginary wedding.  Had it been a real wedding, I would totally be psyched about the planning...

And I don't feel I am more privelaged to be married than anyone else......all I am saying is that it was a long time coming for us, it wasn't a surprise.

As far as my friend, she is my friend because when I need advice....she is always there as a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to high 5.  She gets in these jealous moods sometimes, and our relationship as best friends has been a bit rocky to say the least, but whose relationship (friend or otherwise) isn't.  I just totally expected her to be happy for us despite her inner jealousy, I just really wanted her to be a part of it all.  Writing her off as a friend is not in the cards, but I am looking for a way to approach the situation without ending our friendship.  I humor her alot of the time, but this time its not funny.

I need dialogue people, any suggestions?


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Guest
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

No, relationships are NOT, by nature, always rocky. 

 


7.5.2008

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 10:57 AM Go to message in response to: Camrynsmom

I don't think sending her a picture of your e-ring is gloating at all.  That's what I did for my mom and sisters instead of calling them.  I let them figure it out.  LOL!

Honestly, if she is your best friend, you just need to tell her she's overbearing and she is not engaged yet, but you will be happy to assist her when she DOES get engaged.  Tell her this is your time and she will have hers.


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jessd0320 Posts : 1,491 Registered: 7/4/06
Re: Best friend being jealous driving me crazy
Posted: Mar 24, 2008 11:40 AM Go to message in response to: LizS

I was going to write here saying "why are you still friends" but I read your response and I do get that. Heck, I may have been that jealous person to some extent at times. In fact I know I was in college when one of my friends was engaged.

I think you need to sit down with her and talk to her. Tell her how her behavior is affecting your friendship, happiness with engagement, whatever is on your mind. See what happens. Maybe she's looking for an opening to talk about her troubles. Maybe she wants to vent her frustrations but is looking for an opening to do so... maybe she doesn't want to bring you down with this but doesn't realize how her behavior is in fact bringing her down.

And I dont think you're dealing with just jealousy here. It sounds like she has pretty low self esteem too. In fact, maybe thats more the problem than jealousy. I'm sure knowing your getting married is making her feel worse about herself because she for whatever reason can't do it herself just yet. I don't know what you can do to help that. I had low self esteem for a number of years and its hard to deal with. Just let her know your there for her and try to reassure her that he time WILL come and probably when she stops looking so hard for it... maybe suggest she gets counseling or something (but perhaps ONLY if it seems appropriate to the conversation.)

I understand how frustrating this must be for you, but please try to look at it from her perspective a bit. I really think if you talk to her it will help. ANd if it doesn't then maybe the only choice is to avoid her or at least avoid talking about the wedding. You might also just need to take some time to reassess your friendship. Yes she is your best friend, but there comes a time when the low points outweigh the high points and its just time to get out. It won't be a fun decision to make but a necessary one. I hope it doesn't come to that for you. Good luck.


I am training to run a marathon and raising money to help cure blood cancers. To donate or for more information: www.active.com/donate/tntwi/JDurso

Follow me on my training journey: www.jessica-teamintraining.blogspot.com

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