I REALLY NEED SOME HELP

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 9:10 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Gin, Im happy that you were able to make it thus far with your child... I wish you all the best.  As for your sister's situation, I know in Florida she'd be able to get help. They always ask who the father is, where does he stay, whats his social.... all that information to try to get child support from him  to kinda assist the government in the help they provide. Your sister just needs to call the child support line, give his name, and she qualifies. They just want to know that she cooperated with child support to some extent.... even if she didnt know any further information, a name is just like cooperating.... and in some instances, girls dont know their childs father.... one night stand babies or orgys resulting in babies... they cant name anyone but they still qualify for the help. You are just required to call and say a name or say you dont know.... What state are you all in? Your sister should look into that further....
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 9:19 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

NAMTS:  Girl, my heart really goes out to you.  I applaud you for trying to help your cousin.  In many families, that's how things work...family helps family.  But honestly, you are just a baby yourself, and with everything else going on in your life, that can just be too overwhelming.

I did not read the pages in between (2-5), but I'm guessing you have talked to your FH and he is being supportive.  I certainly hope that you can find a good qualified therapist.  I know that you are very young, but I do suggest you talk to you OB-GYN about preventing future pregnancies.  I wish you the absolute best.

Be blessed!


Kiss 

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Guest
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 9:27 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

OP we are actually in Florida. The thing is my sister dosen't WANT to get any help because she dosen't want her daughters father to have any rights or be able to get any sort of visitation, supervised or not. So she won't go for shild support. I told her just to play the slut card and act like she had no clue.

But, it does sicken me that our country will DENY a CHILD health insurance because a GOOD mother dosen't want trash around her baby. It's really sad. And in Florida the court systems are all about "keeping families together" which I also think is BS. Their "typical" court appointed visitation is M, T, Th, with mom, W with dad and every other F, Sat, And Sun roatated with the parents. Talk about knocking any stability right out of a child.

But, she's in the process of getting a job teching for head start whcih will make it to wehere she can pay for health insurance through them as an employee.

Personally I'd ratehr see her go that route than take the slightest chance of that POS getting any visitation with my neice.

LOL...

 

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 9:37 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Gin in cases like yours, I support the public assistance that is out there.  People who get into a hard spot, and momentarily have to fall back onto the system to make it through the rough time.  Your case is different than OP.  You did not continue to pop out babies that you could not afford.  My comment for the responsible paying for the irresponsible is a blanket comment to those girls out there having sex, not taking any precaution, and having babies after babies that they cannot financially take care of.  That sort of person hurts the system.  Those people are the reason that your sister cannot get ligitimate help.

There is a woman that has her kids at the same daycare as mine.  She just had her 5th (yes 5th!) child, and she had that baby so she could stay on welfare.  She was about to get kicked off.  She gets all her daycvare paid for, is on foodstamps, and leaves her kids at the daycare from the time they open until the time they close. 

The assistance programs are put into place for people to fall back on when they hit hard times.  My first husband and I had to put our boys on KCHIP for a few months as well.  When I was able, I took them off.  The programs are not meant to abuse, because for the people who abuse them and defraud the system, it hurts the people who NEED to fall back on them in hard times. 

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

So, ANYHOW GIN, I understand her not wanting the POS...(lol) around her daughter... thats completely understandable. But isnt it kinda hurting her daughter to not get the healthcare she needs and deserves as a child... my advice for your sister would be to call the child support line... give a name.... even with just a nme they dont have anything else to go on to contact him... lets just say his name is Mitch Walker... there could be a ton of those out there. And the truth of the matter is, the child support agencies DONT go after the person unless the mother stresses it.... so unless your sister pressures them to pursue him for support THYE WONT. TRUST ME. Or she can play the slut card...lol
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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slsjdc5 Posts : 388 Registered: 9/23/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

NAM2S2:  I just wanted to say I have been following this thread and I think you have taken all the feedback rather well.  I'm sure we have all judged someone for some kind of situation they're in (as AOTB has said), but Seadreamer.....continuting to point out the obvious isn't going to help anyone but you feel better about yourself.

Just wanted to wish you the best NAM2S2!!  It sounds like you would do anything for your family and that is great!!!


 ♥LLAMA JJAMMIES Tongue out

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: slsjdc5

slsjdc5, I have really taken the comments and advice I was given. I started this post while I was experiencing the initial shock of the situation... so I was very stressed and sad.... but I feel so much better now. Completely different towards it all. I will do anything for my family because I really feel that family is important,,,, this board has help reestablish that value in my life.... again, THANK YOU ALL
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Doubled up sorry. Read below. 


Message was edited by: Charlotte09

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Seadreamer, some people just need to get their tubes tied. 5 kids just to stay on welfare? That really ticks me off. I am not an idiot and I have to pay for an idiot. Some people need to be cut off so they can learn to do things for themselves. Moms who cannot take care of their children should not have custody. Don't have 5 kids if you cannot pay for day care for 5 kids.   

Sorry, back to the OP. Sorry your 16 year old is having issues. I think you might need to send him to a rehab or to a structured school, something along those lines. Turning him over to the state will most likely not solve his problems though. I think turning him over to the state just solves your problems of having to deal with him. However, I understand that you cannot expose your children to someone who is toxic. But you decided to take responsibility for him so you should probably finish it out. Sending him to a school or rehab would let you know that he is in a program to help him and then hopefully he could come back into your family and things will be better and on track. I know it costs money but you might be able to get some assistance and it should be worth it to save him versus putting him in the system where he most likely will not get any help.   

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springorchid Posts : 176 Registered: 4/8/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Gin, I am pretty sure there are ways of getting the father declared incompetent (does he have a record?) or, but I think you said you don't know where he is so this might not work in her case, there are ways to get the father to give up his rights as a parent with the bonus for him being that no one can come after him for child support.  Either way, I would see if there are any services to determine how to at least have a record of his being gone so if he does try to come back your sister has public records saying he hasn't been around or made contact for x number of years.  

Good luck to you and your sister!

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Guest
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: springorchid

Yeah, well see. My sisters babys dad was fine in their relatiopship, a bit of a bum, but none the less a "decent" guy. Then my sis got pregnant and told him that she didn't want to be with him anymore an dMAYBE if he got his act together they could try again (like get a job, get a lisence, get a bank account, show me you want to be here for the baby and NOT just to be in a relationship with me) well, that made the crazy come out (now my sister lives with my mother) and the whole time of her pregnancy he stalked her, egged the house, keyed my moms and sisters car, keyed and broke into MY car (and I don't live with them) etc. AFTER my neice was born my sister allowed him one hour one day a week to see my neice (he was NOT at the hosptial for the delivery and the faterh is left unkown on the BC) but he would cry and beg my sister to get back with him, watch TV, and take 5-6 smoke breaks in that ONE HOUR. So my sister told him no more....he wasn't there to bond with my neice but to try to get her to take him back.

Then he went to job corp - sent my sister some disturbing letters (you would thin kthey wre still together, and mind you they dated for 6 months befor ethey broke up...my neice is now 2 and they broke up 2 days after my sis found out she was pregnant) she all in all received about 5-6 letters, ranging from threating to distiurbing love letters...(she has saved themall) he has also been arrested four times since my nbeice was born for theft, drunken disorderly, public intoxication, failure to appear, drivingwith suspended lisence...etc. And my sister has also saved ALL of the mug shots and arrest records.

Now we THOUGHT he was done, but last week my sister got another letter threating to take her to court..etc.

I agreew ith my sisters decision WHOLE HEARTEDLY not to allow this POS aroun dmy neice, and that is WHY she is not going for child support at ALL, and why my neice can't get insurtance. We do have the "clinic busses" around here that people with no insurance can get medical help for free (my neice is prone to ear infections and goes to the "bus" to get prescriptions when she does) but my sister still has to pay for price prescriptions.

Blah...LONG story. LOL Me and my sister both sure know how to pick those babies daddies...LOL.

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Charlotte, I agree being in the system may not work for him... but if u knew what I knew you may feel the way I do. I think my cousin feels that we owe him somewhere to stay, its our obligation to take care of him... he doesnt have that sense of wanting to change. Aside from the marijuana, he has started acting up in school, he also does NOTHING around the house. I have to tell him to clean out the tub once he's taken a shower, sweep the floor, mop the kitchen, wash dishes he's used.... he just does nothing. I dont know what else to do. Im pretty much at my wits end. The weed was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I really want him to get help because he does have some deepseeded issues that he needs to work out but Im in no position to deal with it further.... not because of the pregnancy just because I can not handle it. When I took him I expected him to be a little problem... people dont change over night but I never thought I'd have so many issues with him. He sincenrely acted like he wanted to change. I thought he understood that I AM HIS LAST RESORT.... everyone has crossed him off the list. When I first got him I got together with an assistant principle at the school to talk to him about the situation. We talked for a good hour about what my cousin needed to do to get on the right track. I guess everything I was saying, everything my Fh said, everything the man said just went out the door.

I dont know what else to do but give him over to the courts. In one standpoint he could become worse.... but in the other maybe it'll make him realize he has nobody but himself to depend on... and make him change.


"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 2:18 PM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

It sounds like he has obvious problems. But it also sounds like on top of that he is being a teenage boy. My brother is not on drugs, however, you could not get him to clean up on his own. My parents have to stay on his butt to make sure he does those simple little things that adults do no questions asked. And of corse he acts like you owe him a place to stay, he is a teenager and they think they are invincible and entitled to most things. However, I have to add that all teens are different but there is a pattern in that sort of behavior. But he does, from your explanations, have some issues that are not just apart of being a selfish kid. 

However, I have to ask, if any of your children act like your 16 year old when they become teenagers are you going to turn them over to the court? I would hope not. I understand he is not your biological child, but if you are not going to take care of him as he were your own then you should not have taken him in. I don't understand why you would take him in and put forth the effort to help him and such and then turn him over which gives you no say and no help in him changing his ways. Basically you turning him over almost insures that he will continue his behavior but just be someone elses issue. You took him in I believe you need to see things through until he poses a physical threat to you and your children. I understand not every child needs to be in the home. It sounds like he needs to go into a program for help, but that will not happen when you turn him over. I am sorry and maybe I have a soft spot for this because I work with children who have different issues. They do not improve unless their caretakers do all that they can. You started the process by speaking to his school and to him, but he needs more help and now he will not get it. 

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crystalizeddreams Posts : 321 Registered: 10/18/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 2:39 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Ok now I really have to say something about that statement. While I in NO way think the OP has made responsible choices regarding birth control and her pregnancys, she has done a wonderful thing by taking in her 16 yr old cousin. This girl is 22!!! If she cannot handle the problem he has become its her right to say so! She has gone above and beyond to help him and at 22 with very few financial rescources, I think shes done all she can do on her own. To berate her for turning him over when hes such a problem no one else in her entire family can handle him is harsh. To say wait UNTIL he endangers her family? Thats absurd and unfair! To have drugs in a household with small children IS a danger to her family.

I MARRY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE OCTOBER 4TH 2008!!

DANNY & LISA 10/04/08

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 2:48 PM Go to message in response to: crystalizeddreams

Gin, you said that it pisses you off that a child (your neice) is being denied care even though she has a good mother, even though they can't afford it.  I agree.  However, even if the parent was a crappy idiot, it still pisses me off that children have to suffer.  That's why I'm glad I'm in Canada with universal health care.  In the States, if say, idiot Dad decides that he doesn't want to bother with health insurance, good for him.  But then, say, his kid gets sick.  The kid does not get treatment because her dad can't afford it and didn't get himself insurance.  It bothers me.

NAMTS: If you warned your cousin over and over about this, and he's ignored you, I don't blame you for turning him over. If it was something other than drugs (or violence, for example) then maybe i'd think differently.  But you can't have someone on drugs around your children, especially with another on the way

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