I REALLY NEED SOME HELP

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 10:32 AM

Hey ladies. I havent been here in a while because Ive been super busy. But I had to come on today to get some help from you guys. I am soooo stressed right now. Life is kicking my butt big time....

So, heres the situation:

Im 22 years old. I have 2 babies. A 2 year old daughter and 9 month old son. I have custody of my 16 year old cousin. My fiance and I have a nice relationship. And ALL OF US are currently living in a studio apartment. Its crowded to say the least. Anyhow, that isnt my issue.

The entire month of February I couldnt remember if my period had come on.... two of the three pregnancy tests I took yesterday confirmed that I am indeed EXPECTING! I am sooooooooooooooooooo bummed right now. I dont know what to do. I dont believe in abortions so I know Im going to have my child but its just so depressing. I mean, I have 2 babies already... and I am not sure how Im going to make it with three. Of course I knew the consequences of us having sex... so Im not acting totally shocked but its really killing my spirits right now. Im trying to see the positive but I cant find any... NOT A SINGLE OUNCE OF POSITIIVITY.

My fiance was on the phone while I took the third test. We were supposed to talk once he got home. He took 3 hours to come home... and then once he got there HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION! Not a word. He ate dinner and went to bed. The this morning he said nothing. What am I supposed to think? I am soooo hurt by all of this. I mean, I dont know what to do... how to feel... what steps to take... how to react. Life has been tough as it is but this is the icing on the cake.

HELP.


"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Wow.  First off, your fiance's is probably processing.  He's got to be shocked, freaked out, and worried too -- going through many of the same emotions you are.  Eventually you'll have to talk to eachother about it, and brainstorms ways of dealing with the stress that you are dealing with. 

What are your resources?  I don't just mean financially, but among your family?  Do you have a good support system -- friends as well?  Is there someone (i.e. therapist, or psychologist) that you have access to?  Do you have health insurance?  Are you in or out of school?

I'm trying to get a handle on your resources, so we can identify some things that can help you through all this. . .

Also, why do you live in a studio, and why is your cousin living with you?


_______________________________________________________
“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”    - Albert Einstein

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

He may just be the type of person who has to deal with things internally before he's able to talk about it.  I wouldn't rush him into having the full blown "what do we do" conversation.  Maybe he doesn't know yet and needs time to work it out in his head.

You stated that you "knew the consequences of you guys having sex"  Does this mean that you used no contraception whatsoever?   


 

Daisypath Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 10:51 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Dear NAMTS,

You are both in shock. He's in shock. You're in shock. Shock is a good thing. It protects you.

That's understandable.

Now what? For the sake of your existing children, your young cousin, your new baby and YOURSELVES, you need to get a grip.

My best suggestion is to seek professional counseling. Call your ob/gyn or the local hospital to see if they can get you a referral to a family counselor.

You are very young to have this kind of responsibility.

On the other hand, your children will be grown and out of the house while you are still relatively young. That is a positive thing. One of my friends is a year older than me (almost 55), and she had two teenagers still at home. Other friends of mine had their children early, and were "free" while in their early 40s.

Another advantage to having your children young is that you get more time with them. People who have their children late in life may not even live long enought to see their own children into adulthood. You certainly will, and will probably see grandchildren and maybe great-grandchildren. Finally, if you find you have "female problems" in a few years and need, for example, a hysterectomy, you will already have your family and won't be faced with fertility issues.

It's a mixed blessing.

Please, I sincerely hope you seek counseling.

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you all for replying so soon.
Well, as far as support goes... my family is not supportive. I dont even plan on telling them... just kinda letting them find out with the obvious tummy growth they';ll notice sooner or later. They are the put you down type and talk behind your back type. Ive been through it twice so I knew the third time is the charm. They'll defnitey have a lot to say... thats one thing Im worried about. I dont care about their comments but they can always piss me off which stresses me more...

I got custody of my cousin to prevent him from going into the foster system. His mother attempted to kill him when he was 8. Shes in a psych ward. We have never known who his father is. My great grandmother was his guardian and she passed away. Then he's been going from house to house ever since... but no one else wants him. He stayed in a shelter for 2 weeks and they called DCF to have him put in the system. I intervened and got custody. Me and him have decided he should go to Job Corp to try to get a trade and prepare hisself for independence so thats what we're working on right now. So hopefully he wont be with me too much longer if that comes through.

As far as protection, no we didnt use any. I know we should have learned from the first two times but it was like spontaneous sex. We were finally alone for once (and we never are) and it just happened.... taking advantage of the situation. (or so we thought).

I made an appointment today to see the ob/gyn on March 20. So I have to sit around nervous until then... I want to see a counselor or something. I guess I'll ask the doctor about that when I go for my visit.

I understand he's in shock and worried too but I was just very hurt by his attitude towards the whole thing. I mean, its bad enough Im pregnant but to have to deal with it alone is the pits. Im the type that must talk about things when they happen... its fine to be in shock but show me some response!!!


"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Oh I forgot to mention, I do have a friend who is very supportive but Im in Miami and shes away at school in Tallahassee. Shes supportive through the phone but I dont really have anyone face to face. There is one aunt who I am close with. Ive told her... shes offered her support as usual. ... so that helps some. But I just feel sooo alone right now... definitely since he isnt talking about it.
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:11 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Are your other two children from this same man?  Sure, it's terrible that you're going through this but why on earth are you not on birth control?  You already have two children at the age of 22 and you're not on BC???  Honey, you'll just keep popping out babies if you don't wise up and do something about it.  At the very least, use a damn condom.

I realize you came here for support, but I simply cannot support blatant negligence. 


 

Daisypath Ticker

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

Its a looooong story that I wont bother explaining... briefly though: Birth control and my body dont mix. Thats all I'll say. About the condom, as I mentioned it was spur of the moment. We didnt get one. No sense in crying over spilled milk.... I didnt come for support just advice... so you dont have to support my negligence.... hell, I dont support it myself. But that doesnt help make me feel any better.... so, thanx for the kick in the stomach.
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:19 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

And yes, he's the father of my other 2 kids.... the only man Ive even been with sexually.
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:31 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Dear NAMTS,

Darling, you need counseling, or at least someone you can talk to, NOW, not after March 20.

If you see a professional, trained counselor, that person is obliged to keep everything you say confidential. They can't blab to your family, to your FH, no one.

My suggestion to you, and I sincerely hope you follow up, is to call your ob/gyn and see if they can give you a referral immediately.

You have a lot to handle right now. Get some support for yourself. It will make you stronger and better able to cope with your existing children and your young cousin.

I'm serious. Please, do it.

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree.  Sitting till March 20th is too long.  There is going to be SOME place that can take you sooner, just to get a confirmation on everything.

I think it is incredibly noble and great what you are doing for your cousin, but perhaps he could return this favor during this hard time for you?  It may not be ideal with everyone in such a small area, but he can become an extra hand for you when he's not getting ready for independence.

I do agree as well, there's support somewhere to get you ready for all this.  Your FH has also had enough time to digest after today, so sit him down, tell him that this hurt your feelings, but don't go farther into making him feel bad.  He was shocked, and he probably needed some time.  Now you both need to figure this out together.  

Best of luck to you. 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm seconding AOTB.

I'm reading your post, and I'M getting stressed out on your behalf, so I can only imagine what you're going through.  It's soooo much to handle, and you need someone to help you process it all.  It is devastating to feel so alone. . .you need to talk to someone to help you cope with those feelings.  The women on these boards are good, but they are no substitute for a a therapeutic talk with someone face to face.  

Good luck, and keep us posted.


_______________________________________________________
“We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them”    - Albert Einstein

 Vote!  http://www.barackobama.com/index.php

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Well I certainly don't mean to "kick you in the stomach" and I'm sorry you're taking it that way but are you telling me that you've tried all the different types of BC and NONE of them work?  The diaphragm, the sponge (does this still exist?), the patch?  There are several options out there instead of just the pill form.  I wouldn't give up until I found something that worked. 

"About the condom, as I mentioned it was spur of the moment. We didnt get one."   Get one?  Hell, your FH should have one in his wallet at all times and you should have some in your purse.  

My point is this:  You are pregnant now and will be having your 3rd child.  Yes, it's devestating and you're wondering how to handle it but I can't help but feel you should also be thinking about what needs to be done to prevent child number 4, 5, 6.  Vasectomy is also coming to mind but I'm sure your FH is too young and doctors normally won't do it when the guy is too young.

I have a nephew that is 26 yrs old and just had his 6th child.  SIXTH!  Only two of them live with him and only one was planned with his now wife.  All the others were illegitimate and frankly, mistakes.  I have zero sympathy for him that his paycheck goes towards child support because he didn't have enough smarts to practice safe sex.


 

Daisypath Ticker

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

I am going to try to find a therapist.... I promise. Hopefully it all works out. Im on hold with the doctors office now....

Carrbiean, I have tried BC... but I have been ill as far as having surgeries for kidney issues and what not so I have been told NOT TO until everything works out with my health. I refuse to put myself in danger just to prevent a baby.... life goes on regardless of how many children I end up with BUT MY LIFE WILL NOT if I dont heed my doctors' advice. And we were home at the time... since it is a studip we dont have furniture.... only an airbed and rollaway bed.... so no condoms in the side drawer because that doesnt exist. They are in the bathroom under the sink.... and we were too lazy (for lack of a better word) to go get one... I hope you are finished dwelling on the BC issue.

Thank you


"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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NotAMoment2Soon2 Posts : 101 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: I REALLY NEED SOME HELP
Posted: Feb 28, 2008 11:57 AM Go to message in response to: NotAMoment2Soon2

Ok... the doctor's office just told me they dont have any referrals. Where else can I look? SHould I just go yellowpages and call to see if they accept my insurance?
"'Tis better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt".--ABE LINCOLN

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