Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem (UPDATE)

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem (UPDATE)
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:15 AM

I am so upset, I do not know what to do or how to handle this.  My first in laws have been making my life a living hell for the last few months, and it has come to a head this past week. 

When my first husband died, I decided to stay in KY, for the sake of my children, and for the sake of my in laws.  I was in shock, depressed, young (27 when he died) and I thought it would have been horrible of me to take the boys away from his family.  I have no family here in KY, so I truly made the decision purely for them.  My first in laws have definately been a stable and secure fixture in my children's lives.  So for that reason, I feel that I made a good decision.  However, my first in laws are a bunch of deadbeats.  Both my MIL and FIL are on disability.  My SIL (44) has been on disability for the last 4 years, and my BIL decided about 2 years ago that he didn't want to work.  He is trying to get on disability for being overweight, but right now, he has no income, no money, lives with MIL and FIL, and does not help around the house.  Basically, they are not role models for anyone. 

A few months after my first husband's accident, I would get phone calls from MIL needing money for things, and I would help them out here and there.  They would say they can't pay the electric bill, so I would give them the money for that, then somehow they would be going out to dinner.  I have told them on several occasions that I am not their personal bank, and they have to take care of themselves. 

Flash Foward to last week- My SIL calls and TELLS me that she needs $3,000 because she has to move from her current home because her roommate (a cousin) bailed on her.  After 4 years of giving and giving, I finally told her (which I probably should have done years ago) that I was not giving her anything and that she needs to go and get a job and take care of herself.  Well, of course she got pissed at me, and cussed and carried on until I hung up the phone on her.  Well shortly after, my MIL calls and tells me that I WILL give her the money or else and that I am a selfish b*&ch and so on and so forth and that I owed them.  I hung up on her as well.  I am confused on what I owe them for.

Well a couple hours later, they were banging down my door.  DH answered and told them to leave, and that if they didn't he was going to call the police.  They said that I was obligated to give them money and everything they wanted and if I didn't they would "come and get it themselves". 

I am about at the point where DH and I are going to leave KY and move back to my home state.  I don't know what I have done wrong.  The only thing that is stopping me right now is the boys.  I just want what is best for them.

I know that if I just give my SIL the money, all will be over and done with.  But if I give in again, then this will keep going on and on. 

I do not know how to deal with this situation anymore.  I need some help, advice, ideas on how to deal with these people.  Please help.


Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:22 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Seadreamer, you need to pack up with your DH and children and move away. These people do not care about you, and if they are willing to be so hateful to you, I am not sure they care too much about your children either. They are using you as a piggy bank and you have to stop it. I know you want the boys to have a relationship with their father's family, but you have to decide if its worth the cost. I am sure your boys will be better off not seeing a mother who is stressed out and abused by their grandparents, aunt and uncle. Even if you are willing to put up with it, the boys will notice it over time. Isn't it better they not see their grandparents and have a happy mom than they see their grandparents mistreat their mother and make her depressed?

Cut ties and move. It's the best thing you can do.


"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 


coliebrian1 Posts : 75 Registered: 8/17/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

wow that sounds pretty crazy.  Maybe it would be a good idea to get the boys away from them?  I don't know anything about their relationship but they sound kinda crazy. They are totally taking advantage of you and you don't owe them anything! They are lucky to have had your help for this long!  They should be the ones helping you!
getting married March 7th, 2008!!! Woo hooooo Cool


JaniceO Posts : 980 Registered: 12/5/06
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Oh, what horrible first in laws!!  I cannot believe the nerve..

I think moving to your home state and putting some distance between you and your first set of in-laws you be the best thing for DH and you, and for your boys.

They are not role models.  And the threats they are making now make them of a danger to the boys.  Are you ever going to feel comfortable leaving the boys with your first in-laws again?  What if they tried to use the boys as collateral?  I know you could bring the police in to retrieve the boys, but think of the damage that would do to the kids.  

If you can afford to move, and your DH is in agreement.  Then move. 

Good luck!


Daisypath Ticker


UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:31 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

It sounds like, at this point, you've done all that you've can. Even though the former IL's are consistent in your children's lives, as they get older, the former IL's will not serve to be good role models.

I don't believe I can give you sound advice, but I would go with your gut. Do not give them the money, because it will function just as a cycle, not being done and over with. I don't think giving your SIL the money will solve the tension. It's a cause for the IL's to keep on hounding you for money.

As I said, just think of your children and the role models they are around. If it's deadbeat IL's that hound you for money, I don't think it's such a good idea.

Here's a short story to consider. I had a friend working in a not so good school district. At one point in the school year, she asked her kids (3rd grade), what they wanted to be and do when they got older. More than a few children said, "I don't have to be anything. I don't have to work because I'll live on welfare like my parents and grandmother do." Think if your children would ever say "I won't have to work because I'll get disability like grandmom/aunt/uncle, etc."

Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:32 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

It really doesn't seem worth having these people in your sons lives.  They can't possibly be good role models!  I think you did the right thing putting your foot down.  You owe them nothing.  If moving is the only way to get away from these toxic people, so be it.  Kids can bounce back from a move.  It's not THAT tragic!


                                    ~~~We Might Get Hitched...Eventually.~~~


                         "It's a marvelous night for a moondance."  Van Morrison


BreAnn Posts : 600 Registered: 11/28/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Move! The first set of in-laws do not need to be around your children. Sometimes, the best thing for a child is to cut ties, and I think that is so in this case. Your children may not understand it now, but when they get older and realize what is being done, they will thank you for it.


BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

I would cut ties with the inlaws and move.  Maybe ask the boys if they want to move and take them to where you want to move to  and see what they have to say. And dont let the inlaws know where you are moving to.

Formerly San Ramon Bride

The Big Day: 9/20/08


Angele Posts : 76 Registered: 8/15/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

First off, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Second, sweetie, you need to move yourself and your family away from these freeloaders. These are not good rolemodels for your boys, regardless of whether or not they are related. If Grandma and Grandpa can't take care of themselves, and are threatening you on behalf of their daughter (SIL), you need to cut your losses and leave. Think of the example that you will be setting for your kids by showing them that you have a backbone and refusing to be taken advantage of any longer. Also, think about getting some sort of legal aid to prevent them from harassing you about getting any more money.


newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 12:16 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

I'm going to agree with everyone else and tell you to move- as fast as you can!  These people don't sound as though they are in their right minds because unless there is more to the story you DON'T "owe" them anything.  Do they know you stayed there just for them so that they could have a relationship with your sons?  Perhaps if they knew that it would change things.  Honestly, I just can't imagine telling anyone they had to give me $3000- that is a lot of money, that is unbelievable!  So, yes, move back to be with your family and hope that they don't follow you there.

However, I do want to point out that not everyone who is on disability is a deadbeat.  I don't know if the people in this example are because it doesn't say how they are disabled (though the one trying to get on it for being overweight may be a deadbeat or he may not- obesity causes a lot of problems like diabetes and other things that could easily count as being disabled) but I will tell you all that I am disabled.  I have been sick for over 2 years with moderate to severe abdominal pain that keeps me from working, going out (I can occasionally get out of the house if I take a lot of pain pills), even wearing jeans it is so bad.  Believe me, I would give ANYTHING to be able to work and do all the things that most people take for granted but I can't.  I will also tell you that it is harder than you think to get approved for disability.  I am in the process of doing it right now; I kept thinking I was going to get better "any day now" which is why I didn't apply earlier.  (Even now I think I will get better soon- I am getting surgery on the 28th that could do it!)  I have several doctors willing to state that I am disabled and you know what?  I probably won't be approved, I will probably have to go before a judge and plead my case.  So, while the people mentioned in the original post could very well be deadbeats, I hope that nobody automatically thinks that anyone on disability is a deadbeat as they may very well have an illness/condition/injury that keeps them from working.  And please don't go on their appearance- many people have conditions you can't see (like me) and when I take my pain meds I seem pretty normal but I certainly couldn't work or anything.  Thanks for reading, just had to get that off my chest!  :)


crystalizeddreams Posts : 321 Registered: 10/18/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Dont give in to them! My 1st inlaws were the very same way, only I had no children from the marriage with thier deadbeat son. The divorce was back in 2003 and for 2 yrs after they would call randomly asking for money. They even had a daughter call asking for money they owed her! She told me they told her to get it from me because I owed them money for something! I finally moved and changed numbers, I have had mostly peace since them. But now and then a creditor will call me trying to contact them, in the hopes I know how to get ahold of them. Even though I took back my maiden name. Escape while you can, those kids dont need to deal with this. I have no doubt they will use them against you, or even say things to them to try and cause trouble. People like this only get worse, not better.


DANNY & LISA 10/04/08


allbusiness Posts : 106 Registered: 7/17/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 12:38 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

You'd be doing your boys a favor by removing these people from their lives.  They don't need to have that kind of influence, and you don't need that kind of headache.  You don't owe them a thing.  Try to get over the tinge of guilt you're sure to feel (b/c they've been laying the guilt trip on you for years) and move away.  You have new in-laws, who hopefully are a much better influence on your boys, and a new husband.  Remember the good times, but take that much-needed step forward.  If they continue to badger you while you're making your plans, definitely call the police.  What they are doing constitutes aggravated harrassment (meaning you have legal recourse) and it could escalate.  Good luck!


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 1:00 PM Go to message in response to: allbusiness

Others have said it, but I'll just add my voice to the mix:

You don't owe them anything.  I understand that you may be feeling guilt because it's family, but frankly your family is treating you horribly.  It is your money and you have every right to decide how it should be spent.  For them to guilt you reflects badly on them, and not on you.

Furthermore, you are currently locked in a cycle with them that is adding stress to your life -- stress that you don't need.  You deserve to focus your money and attention on your boys and your husband, and this extended family can and will learn to live without your hand-outs.

seadreamer, think about the example you want to set out for your children, and then live by it. 

"I could get a life, but then who would watch my television?"


JayJ Posts : 1,080 Registered: 4/22/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

i'm confused as to why you "owe" them too. i'll tell you what, though, they sound like my dad's parents. and from that experience,  i'd say they'll probably never change. you do not owe them. if anything, they owe you for everything you've given them and done for them all this time.

and i can understand how you're concerned about your children's feelings and that's really commendable BUT these aren't exactly the kind of people you want your kids spending much time with, imo. and, i can promise you, if they are anything like my dad's parents, they will try to use whatever they can against you - including your kids. my dad's parents were always telling me lies about my mom because they didn't like her.

i honestly think that if moving away is a plausable option, you should strongly consider it.

www.MattAndJesy.com <3


seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: Fustrated, Sad and Confused-In-Laws Problem
Posted: Feb 4, 2008 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Thank you all for your kind words.  I have always thought that I would be a horrible person if I took the boys away from my inlaws.  They have suffered as I have with the loss of their son.  My thinking has always been "how can I justify taking the kids aways from them".  I did stay here purely for them.  My parents were living overseas at the time, but all my sisters were home and everyone begged me to move home.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it. 

I agree that they are not role models, there is no doubt of that.  Whenever I need a sitter for the night, I have to pay them.  Like I said, no one works, and still I have to have them both in daycare (well afterschool care for the older one).  DH is for moving, because he sees what these people are doing to me.  And like UltimatePink said, I DO NOT want my children having the thought that they never have to work.  I am already teaching them that nothing is handed to them in this world, and they have to work for what they want.  The inlaws say I owe them because I did not give them any of the money the boys and I received from the loss of my first husband. 

And I agree Newsjunkie, not everyone on disability is a deadbeat.  My SIL however is.  At first I could maybe see her disability valid (she was dealing with a loss of her husband).  That was over 4 years ago.  Now, she is dating, etc.  She was granted disability for PTSD.  Now, in her words "she is on retirement".  She takes no medicine, and she even admits that there is nothing wrong with her.  She is "waiting for a man to take care of her financially". 

I would love to just have things work out with them.  Just have them understand that I am not their bank.  I was thinking of sitting them down and telling them either they stop all this crap, or I am going to take the boys and leave. 

Do you guys think they could legally keep me from moving?  Because that is another of my fears.


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