I see dead people...at my wedding?

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5in3 Posts : 806 Registered: 8/15/06
I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:47 PM

Okay-Ladies, I am posting here because I need help in finding a compramise that is not "hell no psycho lady".

So I just recieved an email from FMIL, explaining how during the reception she would like to do a slide show of all the people "who could not be there" on the wedding day.  Basically all the dead people she knows from the last 40 years.  This is a  list of about 20 people.  I do not like this idea, I am hoping you can help me find a compramise, my reaction is NO NO NO.  But before I respond, I need to find a way to say no, and compramise.

I probably wouldn't be quite as exasberated by this request if she hadn't gone and gotten me 2 flower girls and a ring bearer this weekend before she asked me if she could.  (did solve that though, while still be gracious and non-bridezilla-y)


Me, my honey and our kitty make 3.

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Deletedhandle Posts : 49 Registered: 11/13/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:53 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

My reaction would be the same as yours! I definitely wouldn't want a slideshow like that. Maybe a compromise could be a collage of pictures???

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

Hello. I gotta say your thread title really got my attention!!! lol. And yes, you are absolutely correct that having a slideshow of every person who has died since 1805 would certainly be a bit ...well... creepy...at a wedding reception of all places. I would say if a close family member or even a few have passed on recently and youd like to acknowledge them in some way, there are better ways to do this than a big ole slideshow. Put their names in the program, have the minister say their names aloud during the ceremony as "loved ones who have blessed this Union but cannot be here today", or maybe a picture collage that includes memories of some loved ones. You could offer up these more subtle suggestions to her as a replacement idea.

However; I think the bigger question here is why do YOU have to deal with this at all anyway? I say put this one on your fiance. Its his mother, and frankly; she sounds a little nutso or at the very least, controlling. She chose your flower girl and ring bearer FOR you? Your fiance needs to have a talk with her about boundaries. This is his wedding too. I think HE should be speaking with her about this, not you.


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TheFutureMrsCav... Posts : 3 Registered: 4/9/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

Well i dont know if this is a compromise but i will share with you what we are doing for our wedding. We are going to have one chair upfront at the ceremony dedicated to those who have passed on. Decorated nicely with a small note for the reserved sign. Then at the reception we are going to take a moment of silence to acknowledge those who have passed, and any family members can speak briefly about those people. For myself it will be grandparents, so my mother will speak about them. Ex. How she knows they wish they could be there ect.

Hope this helped a little!


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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5in3 Posts : 806 Registered: 8/15/06
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: TheFutureMrsCav...

Thanks for your help ladies.  Please keep advice coming.

Kelly: FH does deal with her as well, but his stance has become to say no whenever he answers the phone when she calls.  So now she comes to me.  For really really really big things (and yes there have been some, like My parents and wedding party were not invited to the rehearsal dinner, she is throwing a pre-reception reception, and pre ceremony breakfast, and a post ceremony breakfast for her own family which we are expected to be at) Fh as handled all of those.  And some other small ones.  I try to be indulgent, because she is so gung-ho about this wedding, and i know FSIL is going to be wear beige, show-up and shut-up.  So we want her to feel a part of the wedding, it is just going overboard.  And i don't think there is anything wrong with acknowledging clore relatives who have passed on RECENTLY or those like my grandparents who would like to be there, but can't because of health reasons, but not a slide show of them. 

Future Mrs. C - thank-you for the example, that sounds very nice.


Me, my honey and our kitty make 3.

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marty08 Posts : 1,110 Registered: 7/1/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:08 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

wow!!...I would tell her that you want people to be "happy" at the reception and this would definetely...crap I can't spell!!...not be a happy thing!!. I would suggest to her some of the pp ideas!!

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:16 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

Are these people who are/were close to your FH??? (grandparents, aunts and uncles...etc)  If not then tell her no.  If these people were close to your FH then you could have a special table with pictures and a flower.  We did that for my Uncle, my DH's grandmother, and our grandfathers.  We had pictures on table and a vase with a long stem rose in it.  It was very nice but not from and center at our wedding.

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DestoB Posts : 638 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:32 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

wow... that's a new one for me.  yuck!  i think the photo collage thing sounds cool.  i'm going to have a little table somewhere at the reception with a white candle and a picture of my people... but i've only got two.  twenty?  blech!  at the church, because our ceremony is catholic, i'm going to light a prayer candle for each of them but i don't know what kind of ceremony you're doing.  good luck with that... keep us posted!  =)

IMGhttp://www.whenismywedding.com/signature/bcbb71545421c5fd.gif[/IMG][/URL]

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UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:33 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

sorry I can't give real advice, but I have to agree that it's creepy. I'm having my slideshow at my house for the little cookies and tea break in between the ceremony and reception. It will only include my grandmothers that have passed, only because they are in cute pictures of me when I was young.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:36 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

Possible compromise (if it's feasible):

During the cocktail hour at my wedding, a slideshow was set up in a corner of the room that ran pictures of hubby and I growing up, our families, etc.  I deliberately wanted to have the slideshow available, as something to look at while people were mingling/drinking.  I didn't want it as something mandatory that forced everyone to pay attention to.  It was in a discreet corner of the room that, honestly, I don't know if people even went to.  But it was there for those who chose to look.

You could do the same, with pictures of deceased loved ones that you wish could be there.

Oh, and to make it the least creepy possible, only use pictures that show the deceased actually with someone else.  Pictures of you with your dead grand-uncle are more pleasant than a picture of your dead grand uncle alone, y'know what I mean?

_______________________________________________________
"I could get a life, but then who would watch my television?"


Message was edited by: MsDenuninani

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5in3 Posts : 806 Registered: 8/15/06
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 5:39 PM Go to message in response to: UltimatePink

Please do not get me wrong.  I don't think slide shows are creepy, I think they are cute, and when the deceased are in pictures with the bride or groom it is fine, but a whole slide show dedicated to the deceased is a little depressing to me.  And FMIL wants everyone named, even if FH never met them.  Her mother who passed away over 40 years ago is on there, a friends daughter who isn't even invited to the wedding!  I think the idea of honoring deceased is fine and nice, but there has to be a better, less depressing (and creepy) way.

Some of the ideas on here that have been posted are great.  Please keep them coming.


Me, my honey and our kitty make 3.

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MelissaJuneBrid... Posts : 698 Registered: 3/13/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

I didn't take it as you thought slide shows were creepy. We are having one and there will be pictures of FH with his deceased grandparents or other family members. BUT, to honor them this is what we are doing......

On the grand piano we are having a single red rose and somewhere in the program will be a note saying something like "The single red rose on the piano is in loving memory of those who could not be here to share this special day with us." And then maybe list their names.

But we would keep that list to immediate family. Hope that helped some.


MelissaSmile

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DestoB Posts : 638 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 6:56 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3
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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 16, 2008 7:46 PM Go to message in response to: 5in3

Yikes! I have to agree, creepy! And, I do agree with Kelley:

"Your fiance needs to have a talk with her about boundaries. This is his wedding too. I think HE should be speaking with her about this, not you." In spite of the fact that she comes to you, he really need to step up and say no. there's nothing wrong with a family photo display, which happens to include deceased relatives to whom one of you was close. But a "Dead Show"? No way!

I agree, show her some of these responses (your own post edited, of course LOL). Or, get her an etiquette book. It sounds like she could use one!

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com  

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Whitb55 Posts : 435 Registered: 12/16/07
Re: I see dead people...at my wedding?
Posted: Jan 17, 2008 1:00 AM Go to message in response to: 5in3

I understand why you would not want to do it, but I have a suggestion. During the wedding ceremony you could either light a candle in memory of the loved ones both families have lost and could not be there that day, or just have a moment of silence. I think the candle idea is nice and a little less dramatic than a moment of silence. You could even incorporate it as part of the lighting of the unity candle if you are having one. 

Otherwise I would just tell her that it just cannot be done. Possibly even tell a little white lie that the location does not have a place for it, if you need to. It seems like FMIL is a bit pushing with the wedding when she should just back off and you are doing a great job of being nice because she might mean well. You might also talk to FH and get him ready because if she keeps trying to make your wedding plans he might need to step in and calm things down a bit. Great job on being so classy despite the fact that it is probably a bit annoying. 

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