Hi Ladies..I need major feince help

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Guest
Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 5, 2008 1:33 AM

See here is the story, I am 19 and my feince is 18, we will be 20 and 19 by the time we are married (hopefully), I am way into the wedding planning, I want every thing to be perfect, but he is like..we have way much more to focus on. I think we can balance all our things. we are moving out this month and i know my dad will be paying for alot of the wedding. but he thinks we are moving way fast or that Im just trying to jump the gun. I know I can wait a year but I dont think I could wait anylonger. like I will wait for him forever I know but erg, I dont know how to ask him to help me and be more involved...can I get some advice please

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. " 1 Corinthians 13

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Deedsbride Posts : 69 Registered: 5/8/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 5, 2008 1:55 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

hello and welcome to the forums, first let me just warn you that you may end up with some negative answers to your question but dont let them get to you

second, i went through the same thing as you, i was 19 when my guy proposed and he was 18. we had been dating for 4 years though. Anyways, i always got so offended when he didnt want to help and i thought it was because he didnt want to get married, after a while i realized that guys dont like to plan weddings, as long as he is on board and wants to get married than have fun planning the wedding and im sure he will love it and you guys will have an amazing wedding and marraige.. good luck!!!

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Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 5, 2008 10:36 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My recommendation is that the two of you sit down and determine just what kind of wedding you want.  You say you want everything to be "perfect", but what may be perfect for you might not be "perfect" for your FH.  Once you agree on the type of wedding you want, do your budget, and figure out how long you will need to save the money to pay for the wedding, taking your father's contributions into account.  Then you can sit down and plan when your wedding can be scheduled, based on a realistic timeframe for paying for the wedding without going into debt.  This could reasssure your FH that you are not jumping the gun, and soothe worries about your level of maturity and ability to take on the responsibilities of getting married and managing your adult life.

Congratulations on your engagement.  I wish you and your FH a long and happy life together.


Love2uKiss

Message was edited by: Love2u

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Guest
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 6, 2008 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

deeds bride and loveu2 thank you. so much, I didnt really relize guys didnt like it! well I knew but I didnt really hit me ya know. cuase he wants it to be "our" wedding not mine or his but It just seems like he doesnt care. but I can see where is he coming from now from ya'lls post. thank you again


"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. " 1 Corinthians 13

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 6, 2008 3:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Brittany, you'll be a lot happier and more relaxed if you let go of the notion of everything being "perfect" right now. Yes, I believe in planning down to the last detail, but also in relaxing and going with the flow when problems arise.

As for your FH, you know him better than we do. It's true, some guys just don't do well with wedding planning,  and some guys just don't know how. As for how to ask him, just say it: "Honey, I'd be happy if you were more involved and would help me out." Some savvy brides assign tasks that they know their guys will enjoy--for example, selecting music or planning transportation or the honeymoon. Other brides soon realize that they're lucky if their grooms just say, "Yes, dear," and leave them alone to plan.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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thebigcheese Posts : 155 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You really need to listen to his concerns about moving too fast.  You absolutely can wait a year, or longer if necessary.  If he is not ready right now, then you need to wait until he is.  Dismissing his concerns just because you want your princess day right now is not the way to be a loving, supporting partner.

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SaucyMrsK Posts : 1,175 Registered: 12/27/06
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: thebigcheese

Cheese, I am not sure that her mentioning she wants a perfect wedding means she is planning a princess day - However I have to agree that dismissing his concerns over the wedding may indeed prove fatal to the relationship.

I would ask for clarification from the original poster - you say "but he is like..we have way much more to focus on. I think we can balance all our things. we are moving out this month and i know my dad will be paying for alot of the wedding. but he thinks we are moving way fast or that Im just trying to jump the gun"

Please forgive me if I am wrong - but has this young man actually proposed and asked you to marry him? Are the two of you moving in together and you are assuming that means you will get married soon after?

Don't get me wrong here please, I am just thinking that if he is worried that you have other concerns besides a wedding maybe he is thinking that you need to "move out" together or separately (whatever it is your planning) before you start getting all into the planning a wedding. First things First in other words. His not wanting to help could simply be that. It also could be that he is much like a lot of grooms and "NID - Not into details" - Ever see the movie The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez? Why do you thinking Wedding planners came into being - probably so brides and their families could plan the party they want without having a ton of help from the groom - a lot of grooms only want to know where and when to show up and have someone else tell him what to wear so they doesnt disappoint the bride!


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket  Mr and Mrs K. - Lucky in love and happily married since 7-7-07!

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Guest
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: SaucyMrsK

Hello! I must admit that at first i would get offended if my hubby wouldnt want to be involved with EVERYTHING!! But then i realized that when he was invovled he didnt want the same as i did so i ended up prefering him not to be involved so that i could have it MY way! (kinda selfish ;-) ) but anyways after the wedding was over i told him "DAMN, DONT U WISH WE COULD GET OUR WEDDING DAY BACK"!!!! and he replies with "NO! IM SOOO GLAD ITS OVER! I LOVED THE DAY BUT IT WAS WAAAYY YO STRESSFUL! IM HAPPIER NOW! so that made me feel ALOT BETTEr! AND REALIZED THERE ARE MOOORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO FOCUS ON!

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Guest
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

P.S. IM A YOUNG BRIDE TO! Just got married 2weeks ago and im 18 and my hubby is 20!

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Guest
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 8, 2008 3:44 PM Go to message in response to: SaucyMrsK

yes he proposed may 20th of 2007. we have a date feb. 28th 2009. he buys me the wedding mags and books. but when I ask him about the stuff like where? clothing, he just looks at me like" eh" lol


"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;  bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. " 1 Corinthians 13

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SaucyMrsK Posts : 1,175 Registered: 12/27/06
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 8, 2008 5:29 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well then - just plan without him! Lots of fine beautiful weddings are planned with little to no help from the groom.

If you want to include him, start narrowing down some of your choices. For example go to him with three different locations that you know are available for the date of the wedding. Ask him for his opinion. If he gives that 'eh?' look - go with what you like. Dont wait to plan just because he doesnt seem to want to be involved

Either he will step up up and help after he sees you moving forward - or he will be immensly glad to be told when, where and what to wear!


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket  Mr and Mrs K. - Lucky in love and happily married since 7-7-07!

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Guest
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 9, 2008 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Most grooms just don't care about the details.  Then just want to know when they are supposed to show up.  Don't take it personal!

 


 

              

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LizWearsTights Posts : 57 Registered: 8/20/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 12, 2008 12:39 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Every woman has this problem.  I don't know any (straight) man who enjoys planning an event, especially a chick event, especially a wedding.  And especially when he is 18.

Just give him a job, and he should be able to do it.  For example:

My FH is an artist/ graphic designer.  I told him that his job is to design the wedding cake, and then design and make the invitations.  

Just pick out what he's good at, give him a job, and then make him do it. 


 

 

 

http://mondaybear.com

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tweatie2 Posts : 286 Registered: 10/25/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 15, 2008 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You know at first my FH was the same way.  He got on board after I went to the Bridal Extravaganza in my area.  They had open houses which meant free food, alcohol, and dessert for him.  He can't say no to food. 

Just let him plan stuff that he's interested in like food or music or whatever.

 


Soon to be Mrs. Hurts!!

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Hi Ladies..I need major feince help
Posted: Jan 20, 2008 3:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I can't tell from your post - is it your dad or your FH that thinks you are moving too fast?

Also, when you say that your FH thinks that you have way more important things to focus on than the wedding, what is he referring to? Finishing school? Becoming financially independent? Building a stronger relationship?

I agree that you have much more important things to focus on than the wedding. We all do. As important a day as your wedding will be, it is only one day. Having a perfect wedding at age 20 will not help you much when you are broke and desperate at 22 because you have no money to finish school. I'm really not trying to assume anything about you or accuse you of not knowing what is really important, but I can't stress enough how important it is to be PREPARED for marriage. At your age, I really do think that you would benefit from a few years of preparing for adult life, let alone marriage. Perhaps you are financially independent (I'm guessing not, since you are expecting your dad to pay for much of the wedding), but unless you invented Google or MySpace, I doubt that you're making much money, even if it is enough to pay your bills. Becoming financially independent is hard and money is one of the top things that couples fight about, so I really worry about all our young brides. On their own, either of those things are hard to deal with - it just doesn't seem like a good idea to me to combine the two, if there is any way to avoid it. Anyway, perhaps you don't want my opinion, but your FH seems to share it by saying that you have more important things to focus on, so it may be worth thinking about some more.

On the 'he thinks we're moving too fast thing,' I mentioned above that I'm not sure whether you're referring to either your dad or your FH. Either way, it may be a good idea to think about it some more. If it's your FH saying that, you may want to slow things down and either don't move in together for a while or push back your wedding date. Remember that he is the other half of this relationship, so you don't want to push him into something that he is not ready for. I know you said that he proposed, but we've seen women on the boards who find out (sometimes months or even years later) that their FHs felt pressured to propose, despite not really being ready. If he's telling you that he thinks you're moving too fast, listen to him.

If it's your father that thinks you're moving too fast, it might be a good idea to listen to him, too, particularly if you're counting on his financial support for the wedding. As much as they annoy us sometimes, our parents really do have our best interests at heart. Your father also knows you well- perhaps he is seeing something that you haven't noticed. Or perhaps he just thinks you're too young and is worried that getting married will keep you from pursuing your own dreams. It's worth a heart-to-heart with him, I think. Just to give you a personal anecdote, my dad and I had a similar heart-to-heart when I first got engaged. I am 27, so it wasn't an age issue, but I have been working on my PhD and my dad was afraid that planning a wedding would distract me from my studies, something that he knows I am passionate about. He told me how proud he is of me for my ambition and hard work - but he was worried that I wouldn't be able to follow my dreams after getting married, since I'd have to compromise with my FH about where to live and whether to take every opportunity that comes my way. I explained to my that my FH is just as proud of me and 100% behind me about my career choices. Perhaps my future may end up different than I expect it to be, but my FH will not let me give up on my dreams, either. So anyway, the point of telling you that was to explain that your parents may have a completely different perspective than you, but it is worth talking to them about it and thinking about what worries them, since they do want the best for you.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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