etiquette?

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dewdropinn Posts : 156 Registered: 2/27/07
etiquette?
Posted: Dec 5, 2007 11:41 PM

When did it become the maid of honor's job to do the wedding shower? I only ask because I had never heard of or seen that happen before I came to this site. Now the bridal magazines say that too, but I have always seen showers thrown by somebody in the bride's family.

Both of my sisters, two cousins, sister in law and the three family friends I've seen married had their family throw them a shower. (my friends are essentially a group of dorky gamer men so I don't have any social reference there) 

 I guess what I mean to ask is if this is some sort of recent thing? How is it reasonable to expect your friends to just cough up a couple grand for some party just for the "honor" of being in your wedding?

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 6, 2007 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

I have always thought the MOH and BM throw the shower.  I know mom have been involved but it was always the BM that did all the showers I have attended.  I don't know that someone has to come up with a couple grand to throw a shower.  I have been involved in showers that cost a maybe a hundred or so.  I don't think I would want a party that cost more than that.  A few favors a couple finger sandwiches, some drinks and a few games should not cost more that a few bucks. 


 

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thebigcheese Posts : 155 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 6, 2007 4:49 PM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

All but two of the showers I have been to in my life were thrown by the bride's family members.  I had no idea until I started planning my own wedding and reading wedding websites that etiquette frowns upon that, and that the MOH and bridesmaids usually throw it.

Regardless of who throws the shower, though, I think it's completely unreasonable to expect anyone to spend a lot of money on it.  I think the usual practice is that the hosts decide what they can reasonably afford to spend.  Any bride who expects or demands more than that is an ungrateful douche.

I would estimate that all the showers I've been to have cost the host less than $200, and that's always been divided between several hosts.

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dewdropinn Posts : 156 Registered: 2/27/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 7, 2007 10:07 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

So do most people's showers just happen in a friend/relative's home or something?

I'm picturing some event with 50 or so women with a buffet in a restaurant when I think of a shower.  This being less formal could make this a much simpler thing to worry about.

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 7, 2007 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

The showers I've been to were always in someone's home.  Kind of crowded in some cases, but that was part of the fun.  Refreshments were homemade cake & brownies, that type of thing.

 

I'm in the camp of those who didn't know it was poor etiquette for a member of the bride's family to host the shower.  I see the logic of frowning upon it, but quite often the MOH and other BMs are the bride's sisters or cousins, so it's kind of hard to satisfy both mandates at the same time, isn't it?

 

When I was given a shower (for my 1st marriage), I think my aunt and a close family friend planned it.  It was a total surprise and the venue was my dad's living room.  (He was in on it -- they had him delay me coming home from church so everyone could get there and yell "surprise!" when I walked in.)


EveT

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dewdropinn Posts : 156 Registered: 2/27/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 10, 2007 12:35 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

That is cute how they surprised you. I've been a little worried after reading that the MOH and bridesmaids are supposed to do that since my FH chose the girls and I chose the men. My BM's are a grad student, two waitresses and a girl on a vow of poverty...

only one of them actually lives in the state. 

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Guest
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 10, 2007 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

remember that a bridal shower is not necessary, and you can always tell people that you don't need one, especially if everyone is financially strapped.  Think of others on this matter. 

Do you really want people going into more debt just to give you a unnecessary party?

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dewdropinn Posts : 156 Registered: 2/27/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 15, 2007 7:57 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

That is exactly why it even mattered to me when I saw people saying the wedding party did the shower. Most people in my life aren't struggling at all right now. The only people a shower (even if only from the gift perspective) would be any strain on are the women in the wedding party. 

I wouldn't want to not have a shower, in my experience it is usually the only fun social event when people get to encounter the bride and her close family before the wedding when they aren't either stressed or busy. I guess the event I am thinking about might be like a combination of an engagement party and a shower, because while I have always been to a shower before a wedding, I have not known anybody who has had an engagement party while that is a tradition in some areas. We never even thought about an engagement party.

I'll just end up doing what I've always seen, where my family throws the shower like I (and now I hear my mom) expected to do in the first place.

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 19, 2007 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

Just remember it is not necessary.  Just another greed fest -IMO.

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Pamlin Posts : 958 Registered: 10/26/06
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 19, 2007 11:50 AM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

Actually, it's an old piece of etiquette.  It's not always followed, but it is technically inappropriate for the bride's mom or sisters to host a shower.  -since this is a showering of gifts, it is considered "rude" for the family to be demanding this of people.

As for spending a couple of grand, that's up to the people hosting it -I made my BMs promise to not go crazy on the shower -all I wanted was a group of friends and family in one place, with homemade food and fun, not for people to go into debt!

 


Pamlin

The wedding will be lovely, but it's the next day and every day after that makes me truly excited.

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MrsDupont Posts : 1,574 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 19, 2007 2:44 PM Go to message in response to: dewdropinn

oh please... who really cares who throws the Shower??? (not trying to say that the topic is not apporpriate)

My mom and sister are putting on my shower!! 

Screw etiquette.... they just want to keep Old time traditions alive by calling it etiquette...

Their is no such thing as Etiquette... You do what you want... and If your FH and you throw the shower so be it!

Woman wouldnt have such a problem if their wasnt a thing called wedding etiquette.... they could have what they want... instead of... OH we will start off slow dancing and then turn it in to a fast dance .... oooo how different is that!!

 

I hate that word "etiquette"






http://DarellandMariam.brides.com

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Krissy3781 Posts : 279 Registered: 3/21/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 19, 2007 11:21 PM Go to message in response to: MrsDupont

I've seen it done both ways - but in most of the weddings I have been in either the MOH or at least one of the BM's IS family, so the rest of us pitched in.  I always thought that was the norm.

In my case, I had one "family" shower, thrown by my aunts.  They absolutely insisted (and I am very grateful) - the only BM able to attend was my MOH, but all of my other BM's were hours away and it just wasn't going to work for them to come to that, the other and the wedding - two trips involved flights.

I had a second shower a month before my wedding, thrown by my BM's, which was more for friends.  We couldn't get everyone together on one date, so this worked for us, plus the aunts and my girls got to each do what they wanted.  We had my bachelorette party that night so that my BM's could be with me and not just my other friends.  It didn't matter that it was a month before the wedding, we had a blast.

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Deedsbride Posts : 69 Registered: 5/8/07
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 19, 2007 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: MrsDupont

im with you on this... i mean who makes up this wedding ettiquette crap anyways. Like does it really matter as long as you use your brain and know how to not be rude to your geusts and such than i say throw ettiquette out the window but thats just my opinion.

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jessd0320 Posts : 1,491 Registered: 7/4/06
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 20, 2007 12:01 AM Go to message in response to: Deedsbride

I think it can be done either way. No it is not a necessary party, but I certainly wouldn't call it "greedfest" as some OP have... that being said, you do have some say in it and its definitely not a requirement that the hosts spend a lot of money on it.
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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: etiquette?
Posted: Dec 20, 2007 2:18 PM Go to message in response to: MrsDupont

Etiquette is almost just another word for common sense with the main difference being that etiquette "rules" come into play when someone doesn't have enough common sense or life experience to know how to do things properly.  If you have never done something how could you know how to do it all properly?  Most women are getting married for the first time and most have never thrown a party of this magnitude before so etiquette comes into play so that they know how to handle unfamiliar aspects of the planning.

So, for those who have never had a shower thrown for them before etiquette helps to explain why it is, technically, supposed to be done by a non-family member.  Showers originated to help "shower" the bride with gifts to start off her new life with (and are not and never were just a greedfest- are you freaking kidding me?).  It was seen as gift-grabby if the family threw the shower but OK if non-related friends did it.  However, etiquette, like most everything, evolves over time.  There would be some who would disagree, naturally, but it is now generally accepted in many regions and social circles for the family to host the shower.  Among my friends only 1 had her BM's do it and every other one had her mom do it.  Now, my mom was also my MOH so it was a little different for me but for all thos non-MOH moms of my friends it still wasn't a big deal and was actually expected.

However, I think MrsDupont was joking when she said it but just in case someone didn't catch that it would be totally gift-grabby for you to throw your own shower!

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