Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!

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Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Oct 30, 2007 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: PLysak

Oh my gosh you poor thing - I'm in a similar situation as well. Everyone on here has offered some great advice and validated your feelings, so I just wanted to ad one more e-hug to the pool. Hang in there girl! Just remember that soon you'll be married and that will be one more step to independence from difficult and toxic parents. xoxoxo

 

www.ronandkelly.net

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Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Oct 30, 2007 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

You say you haven't asked them for any money for quite a long time, and that your relationship with them is not that great.  Then why, oh why, would you ask for money for your wedding and involve them so much in the planning? 

My advice is to plan it yourself.  Keep them as "in the loop" as you need to to keep the relationship where it is, and avoid bringing up your wedding at all other times.  My mother and I don't get along, and that's what I did.  When we first got engaged, she did all the passive-aggressive crap she always does, in order to try and get me not to get married.  I ignored it and happily planned my wedding without her, giving her only the information she needed to know that was pertinent to HER.  That might seem mean, but if they're being so mean to you, I don't see the harm.  Why let them ruin the enjoyment of getting married just because they have issues?

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TheQuietOne Posts : 41 Registered: 7/1/07
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Oct 30, 2007 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

Give the money back, take your ovaries, and run far, far away!

In all seriousness, I have to agree with most of the PPs.  Don't take money that comes with strings attached; it just leads to more headaches in the future.  You sound like you have enough to deal with now.  Try to be as polite as possible, but tell your father that you've had a change of heart, and you don't think you can accept the money in good faith because you don't know whether or not you want to wait five years to have children.  You don't want him knocking on your door in four years, eleven months, and 364 days just because things didn't work out according to his plan (and having kids is not exactly cheap, so you might really NEED that two grand then!)!

*hugs*  Hang in there!  I hope things don't get any worse for you; you should be enjoying your wedding planning!

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Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 1, 2007 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

it is really comforting to see that i am not the only one who's parents and inlaws attacked about every little thing. i just stopped worrying about hurting their feelings, i told them all to kiss it and get over it, that this was my life and i honestly do not care if they are a part of it or not. once the invitations were sent out and they did not recieve one, they realized that we were serious and called to make their appologies. good thing we planned spots for all of them just in case they figured out that we could live our own lives without their imput. im hope things are better for you.
jessica G.

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Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 12:34 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

I was absolutely stunned as I read your post Kimmy. It was as if I had wrote it myself. I've read many posts dealing with family issues, but never one that read exactly like a page out of my own life. It is comforting to know there are others out there going through the same thing. It's all the same, right down to the alcoholism, the alienation of family and friends, the mental abuse of each other, to the negative attitudes and opinions of everyone and everything.
I've also read the responses others have posted and all their advice is awesome, so I really don't need to repeat what they've already said.
There is, however, one additional comment that I'd like to add. Why in the world are you putting up with their crap?????
I couldn't beleive it when I read that your trying to stay diplomatic while they walk all over you. And then, when you did get 'snappy' in defending yourself, you felt bad about it. Why should you feel bad? They sure in the heck don't. They're walking all over you because you're letting them and not speaking up for yourself.
It really took my FH to bring that point to light for me. I am (was) EXACTLY like you. My parents (well, just my mom as I have estranged from my dad), would always say really insensitive, selfish, hurtful things and I'd just take it and say nothing. It's been like that all my life, so I really didn't know any better. Once my FH came along and quickly learned the dynamics of my family, he pointed this out to me. Like you, I was afraid to cause any waves because I'm scared of fighting and conflicts, and in my family if you fight, you never speak to each other again. But staying quiet and taking it is not the right way to be. You need to stand up for your self and the selfish manner in which they're treating you. Yell, scream, put them in there place and tell them you are not going to take it anymore!
That's what I did, and I'm not going to lie to you, it really damaged the relationship with my mother. It's like if she doesn't have anything negative to say to me, then she's got nothing.
But everyone in this post is right - is it a relationship worth saving and having if it only drags you down?
I haven't spoken to my father in a year because of a dispicable thing he did and refuses to apologize or make ammends for. He's done horrible things his whole life, but this was the straw that broke the camels back. At first it was hard, but now it doesn't bother me one bit. Its actually a big relief not having that stress or anxiety he'd always cause in my life anymore. Things are more peaceful.
Bottom line - you're getting married and starting a family of your own. That's your number one focus and concern. As I did, you need to remove all negativity from your life to create a positive, healthy environment for your own family.
My dad and my brother are not welcome at my wedding (my brother's a screw up too), and my mother is merely a guest who's not involved in any planning. And I most certainly do not want any money from them - that's a disaster just waiting to happen. It's the way I want it to lessen my stress - rather than add to it worrying about how much of a scene my father would make.
I'm sorry to go on and on for so long, but because I see me in your story, I feel really close to your situation. I hope you'll think about what I've said here and do what's best for you and your future family.

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kimmymonkey Posts : 69 Registered: 8/17/07
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks so much everyone for your continuing advice and words of support :)

Thanks sunshine for your post - it is such a comfort to know that someone else has been through something similar or identical. As I'm sure you know, at times it can feel like you're alone in the seething emotional mess that's supposedly your own family!

I can see that you and others who have recommended that I cut contact with my family are correct, but emotionally I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I don't want to be a slave to their rollercoaster, but I feel like they've screwed me up so much in the past year that dealing with them clinically and with false enthusiasm is the only way I can handle them at this point in time. I know that is a bit of a cop-out in some senses, but I'm trying my best, really.

Over the past week since first writing the post I've tried to cool off and take stock of the things and people who support me and that I'm really grateful for. I'm trying to build myself up emotionally as strong so that whatever happens with this wedding planning and the future, I can manage with it all in a better way. :)  


When is my wedding

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Guest
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

Well, I'm not necessarily saying that you should cut contact. For my dad, it was his actions that lead to the estrangement. He's used to always doing something horrible and family just turning a blind eye and pretending like it never happened. That's what he was hoping I'd do with this incident. But that's not what happened. This time I didn't pretend like nothing happened. I wanted him to be sorry and apologize, I wanted him to fix the damage he caused. He refused, so what am I to do? I'm not going to just let him off the hook and pretend it's all OK, and I can't call him and demand he be sorry. Therefore, we no longer speak.
All I'm saying to you is to stand up for yourself. The thing that got to me the most in your post is how you're letting them say and do all these hurtful things and doing nothing about it. If there are no consequences for their actions, they will continue to behave in the same manner.
For you, the consequences don't have to be cutting ties, but they can be you getting upset with them and making them more accountable for their actions. Maybe putting them in their place will be all you need to give them a little attitude adjustment.
When my mother starts saying hurtful things, I speak up now. We may argue, and usually it ends with her saying "Fine", or "Whatever", but I feel good that I'm standing up for myself now rather than laying down and taking it. She shuts her mouth on a lot of things now that she used to like to spout off about!
Don't know if that's the answer for you, but it may be worth a shot!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 3:54 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

Wait - I'm confused. I just went back to re-read your previous poststo make sure I was remembering the correct thread. You're seriously considering cutting all contact with them over THIS?

From your first post, I got that your family wasn't being particularly supportive about your marriage. That sucks, but not everyone has a perfect family. People don't always support your decisions, but I don't think that's something worth cutting ties over.

I also got the impression that your parents are trying to control you. Yes, you should stand up to them and say, 'I'm an adult who is ready for marriage - you can take your 2K back, because I'm having children whenever I damn well please.' You should stand up to them, but I don't think this situation is worth over-dramaticizing to the point of cutting them out of your life.

From your second post, I got that your parents have alcohol problems and their own relationship is rocky. I get that you've been dealing with the effects of this for your entire life, but it doesn't sound to me like your relationship with your parents is much worse than most people's. Everybody has drama in their lives - yours just comes from your parents. My drama comes from my parents as well - they are definately not as supportive in general as they could be, and my mom likes to push my buttons - but they are the parents that I have to deal with and they aren't perfect. I wouldn't kick them out of my life for not being perfect.

Perhaps I'm just not understanding your situation - or I missed something in your posts - but cutting ties with your parents over this seems a little overly dramatic to me. Before you choose to take this step, strongly consider what your life would be like without ANY contact with them. If nothing good comes out of your relationship with them, then you may be right to end it. If there are things that you'd miss, then you may later regret ending your relationship over this. I'm just saying this because it sounds like you have SOME relationship with them apart from the drama. You've referred to them as an emotional rollercoaster - how are the good times? My parents can be a pain in the ass, but I truly think the good things make the bad things worth it. And they have certainly been very unsupportive of me in the past, but honestly, it has made me stronger, so I don't regret their lack of support.

Anyway - maybe I just don't get it, but I didn't really see anything in your posts that warranted taking such an extreme step. Your parents sound like they need some help, and I would take what they say with a grain of salt, but I think the relationship can still be salvaged, based on what I've heard. Anyway - I may be totally confused, but I just wanted to give you the perspective of someone with a rocky relationship with their parents who has made it work, after a few years.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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PLysak Posts : 288 Registered: 7/8/07
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 3, 2007 5:39 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

ArtBride, I have to respectfully disagree with you.  There are times when cutting out family members may be the best thing for you.  I'd say that if you've dealt with mental/physical abuse (which I believe that alcoholism and control issues are), and this has been going on for years, then to mentally save themselves the family should be cut off.

My situation is a little different from the OP's, but my mom's control issues and alcoholism didn't stop with me.  She didn't stop when her actions affected my DH.  And she tried to get all of my children (ages 14 to 2) involved in her drama as well.  I think that if you want to stay in the lives of toxic people, that's fine.  But it is not OK to drag your FH or any future kids that you have into that mess.  If she chooses to have a relationship with her parents, then she needs to see them or speak to them on her own, without the DH and kids.  They don't deserve to put up with that crap because of her biological connection to those people.

But as I said, this would be if what they are doing is very destructive.  And the OP said that along with the alcoholism, there is verbal abuse as well.  No future children should be subjected to that, even if they are not the target of the abuse.

Just my 2 cents.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 4, 2007 12:41 AM Go to message in response to: PLysak

Plysak, I agree that there are some cases when it's best to cut family members out. I would never say that everyone should try to stick around and deal with abuse. I just didn't think that the OP's situation seemed that serious. Perhaps I've misread it, though. 

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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49ersfanatic Posts : 581 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 5, 2007 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

Kimmy after reading your post I thought I was reliving my life with my parents. A little background...my parents divocrced when I was 13 and it was a real ugy divorce. I didn't have any contact with my real father because of all the hurt and crap he put me thru. Not to mention that he was never there for me. Move forward my mom remarried. Now growing up with my mom was difficult. We never really got along that well.

She was very controlling in her own maniupilative ways. My brother had a falling out with our mom and stepdad and decided to cut ties with her. He is now married and is concentrating on his new family.

Fast forward a few years. I graduated college and am living at home to save money. I ended up getting a job at the same place where my mom works. NEVER A GOOD IDEA to live and work with your mom especially when she is one of your supervisors. Not only was it difficult to work with her it was also difficult to live wit her. Here I am graduated from college living at home, but they treated me like I was 16. I had to do everything she said no matter what. If I didn't there was hell to be paid.

I'm not a religious person at all. I do believe in God, but I don't go to church. While I was living at home I would go to church just to please my mom. Well after the service was over I would leave and she would stay. She would get so upset with me because I didn't stay there with her. Are you kidding me. Even friends and past relationships saw how controlling her and my stepfather were. Plus they would always throw things in your face or use some form of blackmail to get what they want and put strings attached to something they did for. I alsways got the "we're putting you thru college so you have to do what we say" kind of thing.

Fastforward some more where I met my DH (boyfriend at the time). I had a falling out with my mom and stepdad (just like my brother did) and got kicked out of my house. I ended up moving in with my DH after only 3 months of meeting him. It was not easy and I thank God for all his support.

I just couldn't take their controlling manipulative ways. I had to start living my life according to me and do what makes me happy. DH could see how toxic my relationship was with my parents. I knew I had to cut all ties with them. Was it easy? By no means. It was very hard to emotionally accept the fact that I had to cut ties with them. There were a lot of tears. There were times when I didn't think DH and I would make it. But we did and we're so strong together. He's been a huge support system.

There is a quote I read that sticks with me and is so true in my situation and maybe yours: "The family you come from isn't as important as the family you create". It took me a long time to realize that. It was very painful at first, but I knew that it was the right thing for me to.

My advice to you is don't accept their money, because it was come with conditions and strings attached. Go on planning your wedding day.

I didn't even send my mother or stepdad and invitation to my wedding. Do I regret it? No. I sent an invitation to my real dad because over the years we had some contact with each other. Did he go to my wedding? No. Was I upset? Maybe a little at first, but I got over it. I only wanted the people who truly loved us and were truly happy for us to be a part of our special day.

Good luck with everything and know that I know exactly how you feel.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

DH and I Rolled the Dice and Took a Gamble at Marriage on July 15, 2006 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas! Viva Las VegasLaughing

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Guest
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 6, 2007 1:20 AM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

I can completely relate to your family drama. I, myself have a VERY dysfunctional family and as of lately things have really gotten out of hand. I'll make you feel alittle better and share the insanity of my family around.  My FH and my dad haven't seen each other since Aoril 2006 and briefly spoke to each other when i was in a car accident in April. My dad attacked me last September and i moved out that night which has caused my FH and my future inlaws to hate and want nothing to do with my dad.  My parents changed the locks and cut my cell number off the next day. My grandparents (dad's parents) have always been on my side and they haven't spoken to my dad since July when my dad went complete apeshit on them and they want nothing to do with him. My dad has turned my 2 brothers against me and brainwashed them from talking to my grandparents or attending my future wedding. the entire family thinks my dad is just insane.

I can relate to your childhood and dysfunction of it all and it makes me want to reach out and give you a hug because i totally have walked in your shoes. My parents have never once said congratulations either. They automatically assumed i was knocked up of course & that we were too young and stupid. blah blah you know how that bullshit goes. Word of the wise, taking money from your parents could be more trouble then its worth especially if they're going to fight  you every step of the way and to tell you how to run your life. My dad is highly tempermental and my mom goes along with him the majority of the time. I have been trying to deal with my insane family for 22 years and the hardest part was when my dad tried to drive my FH away from me. My advice to you would be to follow your heart and steer yourself where you want to be and don't kiss any ass or makw anyone do something they do not want to do or else they will just be miserable and piss everyone off in the process.

Ahh sanity.....does it exist?

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Breezer80 Posts : 94 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: Mean parents :( - need some words of advice/support here!
Posted: Nov 6, 2007 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: kimmymonkey

Kimmy - Honestly, my best advice for you is to stop asking them for money. Don't accept the $2000, don't ask them about paying more for this or for that, tell your mom that you love the idea of her baking the cake but you want her to be there with you during the day(s) before the wedding and not worrying about the cake, etc.

Basically, stop asking them for help on things and they will have no choice but to stop offering it.


Laughing Marrying my favorite little ladybug - and it's getting so close!!! Wink

Daisypath Ticker

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