Dh not much help

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 28, 2007 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

we pretty much have the reverse problem of this.

 

FH and i bought a home 2 months prior to our wedding, which is in less than 2 weeks Smile

 

we are both VERY clean, i prefer more organization than he does but he is extremely neat.

 

right now he does all the cooking, the dishes, the laundry, the floors, and most of the picking up.

 

i know he was feeling as if he was doing the majority of the housework (because he was!) while i was trying to get things functional and manage all of our wedding plans as it is rapidly approaching! i will be first to admit that i personally get overwhelmed fast and he keeps me on track by helping me with the day to day while i am tackling other jobs.

 

he is a sweetheart and continues to support me but i thought, i have to do more to acknowledge both our parts in the work that we are doing for our life together. so i bought a weekly calendar that hangs on the fridge. there is column for every day and each time we do a chore or complete an obligation that benefits our home and relationship we write it down underneath that day.

 

all i did was hang it up, explain the purpose and we both love it. it helps because some of the things we do in a day to help each other may be small and go unrecognized before the list was up.

 

it beats having to split chores or write a to do list. not many enjoy being told what to do and when. it's not a list of what is to do, it is a list of what is done.

 

i suggest trying it! it's healthy and you'll be happy seeing what is done and can focus on that rather than every little thing. it gives an appreciation for your loved one and it feels good to see the little things add up.

 

you'll work through this, you guys will find your way. don't get too stressed -there is an adjustment period for everything!



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PLysak Posts : 288 Registered: 7/8/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 28, 2007 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

I can't stand the Knot message boards.  Most of what they talk about has nothing to do with weddings or marriage, everyone seems PMS-y, and they seem miserable.  I just go there now for ideas from the Knot, but I don't go into their community.  There's nothing worth-while there to read, and it's very cliche-y.

 

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Guest
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 5:38 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Hi msperry,

You're probably going to be hard-pressed to get your husband to do chores before work.  Most people don't do that, no matter what shift they work.  You'll probably have a much better chance of him pitching in right when he gets home in the mornings, since it sounds like he comes home all wound up.  He obviously has energy if he stays up so late goofing off.

DH and I BOTH work nights and it sucks.  (I'm 10p to 6:30a, and he's 9:30p to 8a).  Like a previous poster said, it's normal for a person to need to unwind a little after work before going to bed.  DH and I get most of our housework done in the mornings.  We'll spend an hour about twice a week in a cleaning whirlwind, and then everything's done!  Maybe you and your husband can set up a time that you have in common for cleaning and just go at it.  When you work on stuff at the same time you each appreciate how hard your partner is working, because you'll be working side by side.


Gettin' down to the nitty gritty!  October 13, 2007

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Guest
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 5:51 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Oh yea, and pile on the praise when he does help out, without criticizing.  Even if he doesn't fold towels exactly how you would, just say thanks hon and don't FIX them when he isn't looking.  If you undermine him, he'll quit trying to help at all...I learned this one from experience. Tongue out

Gettin' down to the nitty gritty!  October 13, 2007

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RockysGirl Posts : 1,125 Registered: 10/24/06
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 10:09 AM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Where do you go over on the knot?  Do you head to the nest at all?  In there you just have to find the right forums for you.  While they are topic specific somewhat, they are also different feels and cliques sort of.  Married Life is where you go to mess with people and get sarcastic and mean.  Don't go over there for real advice.  What's Cooking, aka What's for Dinner is a very gentle forum.  You won't find evil people there.  The others are somewhere in the middle, although I'd advise against Babies on the Brain.  They are notorious for being pathetically stupid.  ("Can I eat bread while I'm preganant or will it kill my baby?") 

They aren't all evil, you just have to find your niche, that's all.


 

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Guest
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 10:27 AM Go to message in response to: RockysGirl

Ok, Mrs P, I've got your back on this one.  I also am jobless at the moment, but I am the first choice for a job at UCF, so hopefully I'll have the offer confirmation soon (side note: Why do HR departments see it fit to take their dear time with that?!  Helloooo...we NEED these jobs QUICKLY!!!  Ugh)  

So yes, my husband works full time M-F 8am-5pm.  He still has chores, and I don't spend every day at home scrubbing floors and washing laundry.  Hell, it's lucky if I do anything other than clean up after myself.  My husband does the dishes a few times a week (we take turns with that) and he does laundry on the weekends.  He also loves to do nothing but play on his computer, Wii, or watch heroes (or other shows he TiVo's!)  I go to school part time, so I do homework during the week and relax because this is the first time in 5 years I haven't been working and going to school at the same time.  I cook dinner, do the shopping, and take care of our 5 and a half month old beagle pup (she's a handful sometimes!).  I also make sure the bills are paid.  

Your DH needs to help, because the housework is not solely your responsibility.  Kick him if he doesn't :-P 

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Guest
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Did you ever discuss chores before you got married? I will be honest that DH and I never discussed then and I do all the cooking and cleaning now ( which I actually don't mind) I actually don't see whats wrong with hiring a cleaning service. Once your DH gets the bill you can kindly explain that you are unable to do all the work by yourself, and you needed some help. Maybe this will convince him to start helping you.

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Yeah we discussed it, we had to make up a "contract" during one of our precana classes.  We agreed that if I cook, he does the dishes, I'll dust, he vacuums, I do laundry and we each put away our own clothes, and he irons (he's better at it then me).

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Guest
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Oh I see, so now hes just not holding up his end of the bargain? If doing the work by myself bothered me I would hire someone to come in once a week and do some cleaning. I know its not easy to keep a clean house especially when you work full-time. 

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JenlovesDon1 Posts : 217 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

Have you read "The Five Love Languages"?

It's a very good book, and it sounds like one of your languages is acts of service.

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LKM2361 Posts : 20 Registered: 3/12/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

O.k. - I've gotta get in on this too, cause I have the same situation going on in my house.  I moved in with FH and his two children two years ago and have slowly but surely taken over ALL household chores in addition to most of the child rearing.  FH works evenings and I work days.  When ever I used to speak to him about his lack of help around the house, his pat response was always, you know I used to do this all before you moved in here!  Now he knows better than to throw that line at me anymore, since he has systematically forgotten how to do any chore that doesn't involve a lawnmower.  I guess I should be thankful that he still does that.  I know I created this though, so I'm working my way out of it.  I now make him lists of things I expect him to accomplish and the time frame I expect it done in.  For some reason, unbeknownst to me, when I put it in writing, he does what ever is asked.  Crazy, huh!  Give it a shot.  Write a Honey, I'd really, really appreciate it if you would...  He might just surprise you.

And, on another note - I left the Knot after a few months of watching several women getting slammed from a handful of nasty girls that apparently had nothing better to do than hunt down these women throughout the boards and constantly barrage them with horrible comments.  The petty name calling and stupid comments finally drove me away.  I'm so happy that the ladies here are supportive and a tremendous source of information and positive feedback.  Good luck!

The future Mrs. Rad 

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LisaN Posts : 285 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 5:09 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

This is the second time I've heard of people at the Knot being really mean! I agree with Kelley Lynn, please tell us the link for your thread!

When we moved into our new house, we decided that to split responsibilities, I scoop the litter, he takes it out. He vacuums, I do the laundry. But he hates it when we're both at home and I'm up and about while he's trying to relax, so he ends up helping me fold laundry, load the dishwasher, etc etc. But really, it only takes us an hour and a half of us just going at it head on and cleaning the house. Maybe you should say that if you two do chores together, it'll get done in half the time, then after you're done you can spend more time together!

~Lisa Naomi

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 8:38 PM Go to message in response to: LisaN

I need to get in on this one....I must be the only one married to a germ-o-phobia! He will not handle raw meat with his hands, he has to use tongs or a fork, then wash everything down with scalding hot water even his hands.  But yet he leaves the stove with greasy crap on it that I have to clean! 

 When he does do laundry he picks up the underwear with the tips of his fingers because he thinks he will get cooties!  Me, I just pick the damn things up & throw them in the wash.

I do the majority of the housework, vaccuming, dusting, washing the floors.  I don't think he's ever cleaned the bathtub....hum...he does clean the toilet. 

I'm sure theres more that I forgot.

 


Good luck, happy planning & happy wedding day

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 9:02 PM Go to message in response to: JenlovesDon1

i read that book 5 languages of love it was AWESOME

 

mine was def. acts of service and FH is affirmations, so it works out well Wink



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JenlovesDon1 Posts : 217 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: Dh not much help
Posted: Oct 31, 2007 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: FALLbrideINLOVE

It's a very good book. Only if you put the ideas into practice though! I have to go back and read it again from time to time. My hubby is Affirmations as well!

By the way, Congratulations!!

and the Knot SUX!

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