FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party

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goldelox20 Posts : 152 Registered: 8/6/07
FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 23, 2007 2:40 PM

Ok, FH & have been together for 6 years and have a great relationship with my parents (they live 2 1/2 hours away) and we see them about every month.  His parents live in between us and my parents but we rarely see them (about 1x year at the most).

 

Since we've announced our engagement all of a sudden we see his parents every couple of weeks (they're making the effort) and his mom talks to me every few days (I rarely heard from her before).

FMIL & FFIL were visiting a few weeks ago and took us out to a nice dinner where at the table FMIL announces that she wants to throw me a lingerie party for my bridal shower.  And then she proceeded to ask me what colors and types of lingerie I liked and what my size is.  (I didn't know how to respond to these questions in a restaurant so I told her it really wasn't necessary - I really wanted to tell her to ask her son =))

my issues with this:

1.   she wants to invite her family and friends only (who I don't know)

2.  strangers need to know my bra size to buy me underwear

3.  FH is throughly disgusted by this idea (and I agree) of his mother buying me lingerie (which is really for him)

4.  FH took care of this for me:  I don't need more than one bridal shower and I really want my bridesmaids to throw it.   But FMIL and my mother both said that they had multiple bridal showers and that the two sides didn't mix at parties so I need at least two showers.

5.  If I let FMIL go through with this (and she really wants to do this - apparently it's already been planned out) I don't want this shower to distract from my real shower 

 

any suggestions on what I should do?  wedding is in August, FMIL wants to throw the party in June.  Can my bridesmaids throw the real bridal shower in May?  is that too early?  Can they both be in June?  (the only weekend available before my wedding is July 4th weekend). 

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Guest
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 24, 2007 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

I think that by calling one the "real" shower and the other not, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed no matter what your FMIL does for you.  I've known several people who have had two showers, so I don't think that it is uncommon.  You can definitely have two showers in one month, as long as you have free weekends.

Now, I understand why you wouldn't want a lingerie shower, that would make me uncomfortable too.  So, what if you suggested an alternative.  "FMIL, I really appreciate that you want to throw me a  shower and it would be a great opportunity for me to spend time with your friends and family.  However, I'm just not comfortable with a lingerie shower, what about a different theme?  Kitchen, bath and spa, games..."  That way you're telling her that you want the shower, she can still feel like she's doing something great for you, and you don't have to be as uncomfortable. 

I've been to a kitchen shower where everyone brought their favorite recipe for the bride and the gifts were all kitchen related.  If she wants to do something personal, a spa party where they might get you pjs, or robes, slippers, spa kits might be fun without being as uncomfortable as receiving risque sets from Victoria's secret.

Tell yourself that you're going to have two great showers and you will.  Tell yourself that you have to go to a fake shower, and not only are you not going to have fun but FMIL will sense your disdain and it may affect your future relationship.  Give her props for trying. 


 

 I'll be a Mrs. on November 10, 2007

Love one another and you will be happy.  It's as simple and as difficult as that. 

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Guest
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 24, 2007 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

Stupid double post.  Tongue out


Message was edited by Katzi on Oct 24, 2007 12:48 PM

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 24, 2007 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

I would tell your MIL that you are not comfortable with this whole idea.  I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either.  I really don't understand why someone would think that is a good idea.  What is wrong with a normal shower??

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 24, 2007 1:10 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

between her idea of the party and asking you about your sizes in the restaurant -i have to wonder if she is trying to embarass you!

 

aside from that, we'll assume she has good intentions, i think she needs to be told that if she has a party and guests want to give lingerie as a gift they can bring gift cards only.

 

i like lingerie as much as the next girl but i don't think a party hosted by FMIL and people you don't know would be appropriate!  totally agree with you on this 



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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 25, 2007 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree with Katzi. I see nothing wrong with her wanting to throw a shower; the idea of the lingerie shower is creepy. I would politely suggest another type. I understand it will be all her family and friends. But she wants to show you off. As if you can have your mom and MOH there, just to make you more comfortable.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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thebigcheese Posts : 155 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 25, 2007 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

To keep the peace and avoid offending her or hurting her feelings, I would allow her to throw a shower with her friends and family.  However, I don't think you would be at all out of line to tell her that you would really feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about a lingerie shower, and ask if she would mind having a regular housewares shower, or you could register for tools or camping equipment or whatever and have a shower for that.  You could also suggest a couples shower, which your fiance would be involved in.  You might feel more comfortable around all those people that you don't know if he were there, too.

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asammel Posts : 39 Registered: 9/7/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Oct 29, 2007 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: thebigcheese

My MOH wants to throw a lingerie party as well.  This is ok with me because its only going to include my college friends so its a bit more appropraite.(These are the girls I would go underwear shopping with if I was buying.)  When the discussion of having family and other friends involved came up, we came to 2 solutions.  1) multiple showers - like we are doing and do lingerie with ppl you are comfortable with or 2) do a shower where each person is assigned a specific room (around the house party) and those who really really want to do the lingerie thing (or u are comfortable with) can be assigned the bedroom and buy it for you.  As for the FMIL  i would suggest this and maybe ask her to take the bathroom or kitchen.  (leave the bedroom for your closer friends) and/or ask her to give the "intimate" gift (ifher heart is still set) in private.


The Future Mrs. Mitchell

 

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goldelox20 Posts : 152 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 2:53 PM Go to message in response to: asammel

Thanks everyone for your input. Since I've had some time to think out this and read everyone's opinions I've decided that I'm going to let FMIL go ahead with this.

My reasoning:

-I will not let this embarress me

-I have not heard anyone say that this a good idea, therefore:

    -she can be embarrassed by her friends and family when they tell her they think this is weird and in-appropiate

    -when she asks me my size again (since I didn't give her an answer the first time) I will tell her, whenever and wherever she asks me, and I'll tell her that because of my size (really narrow back) I cannot shop at Victoria Secrets - and then I'll tell her that "Trashy" and more "Specialty shops" usually carry my size (I'll neglect to tell her that Nordstrom's also carries my size)

 

I just don't see the point of having two showers (I don't want to look greedy) especially since our families are in the same general area.  That's why the shower that my BMs throw will be the "real" shower - everyone will be invited that should be and it will be classy and appropriate (BTW, one of BM's will be 17)

 I will also suggest that she pick out a day spa near me that she suggest to her friends as an alternative gift.

Anything that I do get I'll probably return for gift cards and then take FH with me to pick out some things to lessen the creepy factor for him.

 

bottom line: I'm not going to tell her "no" and if I do this with a good attitude then I will enjoy myself

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

No offense, it seems like instead of just saying no you are trying to be spiteful. That really won't accomplish anything. If the real reason you are against this is that you don't want more than one shower, tell her and let her accept the truth.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 


Message was edited by Bride2008 on Nov 2, 2007 3:19 PM

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goldelox20 Posts : 152 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 2, 2007 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

I am not being spiteful.  I have told her that it's not necessary.  FH told her he didn't like the idea.  She wants to throw this specific type of party.

I do not think that getting into an argument with her is a good start to my marriage. Therefore, I will let her do what she wants.

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bostonterrierbr... Posts : 129 Registered: 11/8/06
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 4, 2007 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

I still really think you should tell her, nicely, that you don't really feel comfortable with this type of shower. Obviously you aren't OK with this if you plan on returning everything that's purchased for you. What if it gets back to FMIL that you didn't keep any of your gifts? If she finds out  you will definitely be starting off your marriage with a huge fight! Not only will she find out that you didn't want the shower in the first place and you weren't honest with her about it, but all of the other relatives and friends who purchased outfits for you will also be upset. And whats the point of having all the outfits given to you if you're never going to wear them, even if you don't return them?

Tell her once that, while you appreciate the sentiment, you really would like a different type of shower. If she still wants to do something sexy maybe have a 'seduction' themed shower where people can purchase perfume, candles, and body shimmers for you.

I guess the bottom line for me is that you seem really uncomfortable with this idea, and your FMIL deserves at least the chance to do something you'd actually appreciate. Trying to embarass her by sending her to 'specialty' shops, shouting your bra size, and hoping friends and family tell her it's a terrible idea isn't the best way to go about this. Be honest with her once, suggest a more low key version with perfumes and candles, and if she still insists on going ahead with it, then let her embarass herself.

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Guest
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 8, 2007 2:40 AM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

I think that the problem is not with the party but with the fact that you do not like your future mother in law. You made that clear in your opening paragraph by pointing out that though you rarely saw her before, now she wants to see you and speak to you frequently. Clearly there is tension between the two of you and unless you deal with that, there is no hope for any future relationship.

As you have decided to go ahead with the party, I strongly suggest that you get excited about it, otherwise, the tensions are only going to increase. It will become an "I told you so" event. But there are ways to deal with your major concerns that you outlined:

1. If she wants to invite her friends only, that makes it very easy for you. She will organize and pay for anything. All you have to do is show up.

2. Let her know you dont feel comfortable announcing your bra size to the world. This is easy to resolve. Ask her to have a representative from your favorite lingerie boutique present to show lingerie. This will be great fun for everyone. Guests can buy lingerie for themselves AND buy presents for you at the same time. Only the rep needs to know your sizes. Both you and the party organizer (FMIL) will likely get HUGE discounts from the rep for any lingerie you care to buy for yourselves.

3. I imagine that when FH sees all the wonderful lingerie you received, he will no longer be "disgusted". Isnt that a strong word for what should be a fun event?

4. If the lingerie party is for FMIL's friends and family only, there is certainly nothing wrong with having a different party for your friends. There is no reason for the two parties to interfere with each other. There are some great resources available to help organize a  lingerie party.

http://www.squidoo.com/lingerie-party

I think that the lingerie party should not be the major issue, but whatever you decide to do, you work on developing a positive relationship with your fiance's family. Otherwise, you are going to be adding an unnecessary strain on your relationship.

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goldelox20 Posts : 152 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 8, 2007 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I do like my FMIL, i was making a point that I am not close with her as FH is with my parents; if I was then this wouldn't have bothered me so much initially.  There is no tension, I just though this was odd that all of a sudden there is communication.

Altough I still find this party "odd" I have come to terms with it and will accept it for what it is...I will make the most out of it.

I don't usually buy lingerie b/c it is hard to find in my size an FH doesn't really care.

"disgusted" is the word that FH used, it was his vocabulary choice.

I don't want two separate parties - I want everyone to feel welcome to attend the main BS.

 

Again, I have a decent relationship with FMIL, it's just not on the level that FH has with my parents i.e.:  we go on vacations with my family, not his; FH and my dad will go to baseball games together, etc.  We rarely see his parents even though they live closer to us than my parents. 

 

Please stop reading into this more than the words I write - I find this bothersome. 

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Guest
Re: FMIL wants to throw a lingerie party
Posted: Nov 9, 2007 11:21 AM Go to message in response to: goldelox20

Sorry that you find this bothersome. I thought you were asking for suggestions and opinions. I did not realize that you were only interested in opinions that agreed with yours.

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