FH not interested in wedding!

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Guest
FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 11:49 AM

Hi everyone

        My fiance and I have been engaged for 1 year and 3 months so far, but just within the last month we started planning our wedding for next year, we are thinking about getting married in Oct. 2008.   But I'm concerned that I'm already doing all the planning already, because he just isn't interested and doesn't really want to deal with it, and he doesn't want to spend money on anything.  I really want to book a place for the reception and ceremony kinda soon because they are already booking up for 2008, but my fiance doesn't even want to visit any reception places with me or help me find sites online, so I'm doing all the research and everything myself.  He went with me one time to look at churches and he put up such a fuss the entire time and wanted to go home.  Then when I share with him my potential ideas about the place, centerpieces or whatever, I can just tell that he really doesn't care.  I asked him about his attitude and told him it was upsetting me, and he told me that he really doesn't care how we get married, that he just wants to be married and for me to be happy.  But I tell him that I would be more happy if he just cared more and participated because I think that planning the wedding could be a lot of fun for us to plan

So in addition to my FH not wanting to deal with any wedding plans, he also doesn't want to pay for anything.  We do have a  small budget about $6,000 and we are planning a small, simple wedding, but I'm already making all the invites, the centerpieces, doing the decorations, helping with the food, doing the floral arrangements and having my family help with photography, food, the officiant and music.  So there isn't really much more I can do to skimp on anything, because I'm already putting this wedding completely together almost by myself.  I do like doing artsy things but I've been kinda getting mad that he wants to cut even more corners with DIY things while he won't help me at all to put this stuff together.  I've already cut the budget as much as I can, and I've been paying for most of the wedding decorations and things so far and he is still complaining!!

So I've tryed to do a couple of things to get him more interested besides just talking to him.  I've tryed to have him pick a couple of the areas of the wedding that interest him the most like the food so he could take some responsibility to plan and deal with that.  It didn't work...  And I've also tryed to negocite with him to plan half of the wedding for his family and me plan for mine with decorations and food and such, and that kinda worked, but very briefly....

I recently got so frusturated with him that I almost decided to elope, and he was thrilled because he said he doesn't want to plan the wedding or pay so much for it.  Which just made me more mad because I do still want a party to see my family.

    I'm really worried and kinda depressed about his behavior.  I guess I just had these fantasies of us both having at least some fun planning the wedding together.  But every time I talk about it his eyes just kinda glaze over.  And the thing is that I don't think I'm even being like a bridezilla or anything, with me having to do everything, keeping it very simple and cheap.  Its not like I'm asking to get married in the ritz with a $150,000 dollar budget, so why is he acting like this.  Is this normal for guys feel like this??  Have your FH been helping with the planning or at least showing interest in something??  Because as things are right now, its hard for me to feel like he even wants to marry me or loves me at all, because I would think that if he was so in love with me he would take more interest in the wedding that would unite us.  But maybe this is how all guys act I really don't know, but it seems a little excessive to me.  And I almost don't even want to plan the wedding anymore or even get married and its only been a month.  Please give me some insight, is this normal or should I be worried??

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Not to bash on guys but this sounds pretty normal.  Most of my guy friends just assume that their fiance and her mom will plan the wedding.  They see it happen with other couples, and they assume that will be what happens.  Not to generalize because that's not always the case.

For us, my FH at the time could care less at the start.  He told me to do whatever I wanted and that he loved whatever I picked.  Well with my parents not really wanting to help either besides giving us some money, I could NOT do it on my own.  There was no way.  I just sat down with him and said this wasn't what I pictured, and I wanted to make this OUR day and share the choices with him.  

We talked about what he could do to help out and be interested, so he took over music, the church aspects and a few other small tasks which helped out a TON.  

Guys just don't really care about centerpieces (again not all guys)  My FH sat in at a meeting with the florist and his eyes were completely glazed over, he could care less if we had pink flowers or white.  

Guys seem to think of the end result, we think of how to make it look pretty :)  Don't take offense, just sit down with him and tell him how you feel and how important it is that he helps you.  But also understand that he really may not care about centerpieces, you'll both need to compromise on some of this and it'll be wonderful. 

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be frustrating.

It sounds like your FH's lack of involvement is pretty extreme.  A lot of guys aren't really into wedding planning and either just let the bride run with it, or sort of tag along when the bride insists.  I was married 5 mos ago and my DH kept joking about wanting to go to Las Vegas and get married by a midget Elvis impersonator.  (He knows I hate Las Vegas!)  He seriously would have been happy for us to be married by a friend of his who is a JOP.  But he cooperated with my plans for a church wedding -- I insisted that he initiate the meeting with the clergy to set the date -- and in the end he was just as happy as I was with the way we did it.

What was your relationship with your FH like before you started wedding planning?  Is he the type of person who just isn't into "events" in general?  Are there other things he feels it's more important to spend $$ on, or does he just plain old hate spending a dime no matter what it's for?  More to the point, are his general ways of dealing with money and with planning for things compatible with yours?  It sounds like maybe not, and if that's the case, you are going to have much bigger challenges down the road than just putting a wedding together.  I don't want to send up alarms unnecessarily, but do take a good hard look at what is going on.  What are you going to do when your car is on its last legs and he won't go with you to look for a new car and he also won't OK your spending necessary money on fixing your existing car?

Are you going to be having premarital counseling?  I would take advantage of it to explore these kinds of issues.  I know that some premarital counseling can be unhelpful.  If you don't feel you're getting appropriate help and support to explore issues that are going to have a major bearing on your marital happiness, don't hesitate to look for a better counselor.


EveT

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FutureMrsJRB Posts : 90 Registered: 5/8/06
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 1:31 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I agree with the first poster, this behavior seems like a typical guy.  I know my hubby acted the same way...I even thought he didnt want to marry me because he refused to get involved.  His response to EVERYTHING was "do whatever you want...just tell me when to show up!"  I researched locations for the ceremony/reception with my best friend (his sister) & when I found a place I liked, I took him.  I wouldnt worry too much about his lack of interest.  As far as the money is concerned, I would sit down and explain the situation to him.  I am sure he will come around.  My DH put off paying for the wedding for a few months too until I sat him down & gave him a serious rundown of what we needed, when & why.  Good luck...Im sure it will all work out!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I have to agree with Eve. Although many brides complain that their fiances are just not into the nuances of tulle vs. chiffon or roses vs. gerberas, my alarm bells go off at "he refuses to pay for anything." You mention that you have a $6000 budget. Where does that money come from? If he's contributing, then fine, go right ahead and plan away. But if all the money comes from you, then I would be concerned and, as Eve says, I would advise looking at the bigger issues of involvement in mutual projects, financial planning, shared responsibilities, and so forth. Even if he's not into wedding planning, you want to get the feeling that he is supportive, understands your dreams, and is willing to be flexible so you will be happy.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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JAllen Posts : 793 Registered: 9/1/06
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I had a hard time in the beginning with my guy too.  We have lived together for 6 years, practically married, we are raising my daughter.  So all that "who pays for what" is worked out, and he makes like 4 times more than me! lol  But in the beginning, I could hardly get him to talk about it, this wall would go up at the first mention of ideas.  I think as soon as I started talking all he could see was $$$$$$!! lol  He would immediately start thinking and wondering what it would cost, and he just kind of shut down.  But finally we talked a couple times, and I got him to understand that not every single thing I talk about is something we have to have or do.  He is just the kind of guy that hears me say I like or want something and the first thing that comes to mind is "how can I get/do that for her?"  which isn't bad, it's just that it took me a few conversations to get him to realize that I didn't want him to get me everything I talked about, that I had to brainstorm and come up with ideas, and we would figure out together what we wanted/liked/could afford! lol  Now, he is totally on board with me, and knows that I'm going to do my best to keep things cheap and simple, but elegant.

 

http://www.mywedding.com/vanceandjammie/

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: JAllen

I agree that this seems normal. Just go ahead and plan what YOU want. Do you have bridesmaids who can help you with the DIY stuff?

Think about the other end of the spectrum. It could be worse. My FH has an opinion about EVERYTHING and it's been driving me insane. He's being such a girl, LOL! It's great that he's excited, but I wish he would just back off and let me make all the decisions! HE is a Bridezilla - not a Groomzilla, because he's being a total girl about this. He is a BRIDEzilla! Laughing

Hmm, the funny thing is that even though he wants to DECIDE everything, he still doesn't get off his butt and research stuff! He wants me to do all the research, and then consider his opinion. Nope - sorry, honey. I was the one who has spent the past 4 months researching venues - since we're on the fence about which one to choose, we're going with MY choice on this one!


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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chiquita26 Posts : 11 Registered: 1/8/07
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 4:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

yeah I had trouble too with my FH. But let me tell you the more you pressure to tell you his opinions on flowers and stuff it'll get worse. But so far he has been giving me the deposit for the reception site and the deposit for the photographer. Now if he seems like he doesn't care just try not to talk only about the Wedding Plans. He'll understand that even you are trying not to talk much about it. You keep planning and pick ur wedding theme as well. Don't expect too much involvement it's normal.

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weddinworries Posts : 124 Registered: 5/28/07
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 6:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This is pretty normal.  It was like pulling teeth to get my husband to do anything for the wedding, but he did a few things like accompany me to the tastings, select music for the reception and that might have been it.  Of course he had a phenomenal time at the wedding and loved being the center of attention and wishes he could go back and relive the day all over again.

If this is the only real issue in your relationship, I wouldn't concern yourself about it too much.  Just figure that you'll have to do all the planning and preparation.  If he chips in, great, but don't expect anything.  Wedding planning is simply not macho to guys.  I remember feeling exactly like you do and feeling very bitter and resentful but the truth is, we enjoy wedding planning and most men don't.  You would probably act the same way if he wanted you to help him change the oil in the car or something.  Can you imagine if he asked you whether he should use Exxon or Mobil oil and became upset if you didn't have an opinion?  Wouldn't you get annoyed? 

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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 4, 2007 7:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Honey join the club. As of right now I'm doing about 95% of the planning and ALL of the booking. The day we got engaged FH just said: I really want this date, this time, and these colors. That was it. He also told me to show him what I've picked so he won't be completely in the dark. He really doesn't have an opinion on anything. Oh, I take that back, I gave him a 2 choices of how to word the invitations and he picked one, lol. And the only thing we didn't agree on was the invites, but that's settled. All we have left to do (as a couple) is set the invite list in stone, put the program together, and decide on decorations. And he has said not one word about any of it. I even asked him and he just shrugged and said "whatever you want".

Yes, at first it's frustrating but then you realize something-- for the most part we are FAR more detail oriented than men. It's not that he doesn't CARE, planning just may not be his "thing". They just don't get as excited as we do about vellum, hydrangeas, and centerpieces lol.

But like someone else said, how it's going to get paid is what worries me about your problem. If he doesn't want to help pay for the wedding, then you two have other issues. He may really and truly want to elope or go to the JP where as you want a party. That's a conflict if I've never seen one. You two really need to sit down, talk and compromise.

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Guest
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 5, 2007 12:23 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Cherry, I have been in the SAME boat. I finally sat down with my FH, in TEARS, and asked if he even wanted to marry me. It took some talking, but basically this is how he explained it to me: He is extremely excited that I even said yes to his proposal. He said he is excited to be marrying me and basically is stressing about getting the money together FOR the wedding. Then I realized that he was doing it. He worked longer hours, and while I felt abandoned, I realized that he DID care, he was just showing it in his way. He said we could get married in garbage bags at the courthouse and he would still be thrilled.

 

Now, I know your FH seems to have a money issue. A GOOD book to get is "Let's Elope" by Lynn Beahan and Scott Shaw. You can get it on Ebay for like...two bucks used. Even though you are not eloping, it has many chapters on small weddings, destination weddings, etc. A GOOD portion of the book is about how much an average wedding costs. Prior to sales tax? $17,000! WHAT?! My budget was around five!!! It gives a detailed example budget showing what all that money is spent on. Maybe you can show him how much money you are working to save! Or drop hints like, "Sigh... if I can't find decently priced tuxes, we are going to have to spend TWO grand. I really don't want to do that. I just am going to give up." That might kick his butt into gear! Or, as bad as it sounds... Tell him you are SO stressed from planning it alone that you have lost your sex drive and may not have it back until after the wedding!Cool


Message was edited by IdesOfMarchBride on Oct 5, 2007 12:23 AM

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Guest
Re: FH not interested in wedding!
Posted: Oct 11, 2007 11:46 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Honey, it was all I could do to get DH to pick out a tux!   And get me his family's addresses.   We had a DW, and then a reception a few months later.   In his case, he honestly did not know all the things involved and I had to explain about the basics - dress alterations, cake(s), venue for reception.  He did insist on making a trip to Vegas to actually look at the chapels, which was very helpful and we both agreed on the chapel we liked.   I had to keep the time schedule going and he was very sweet about having a bunch of females order him around!   But he just couldn't understand the cost factor of weddings!

 

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