Is it just me?

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Fitzer Posts : 643 Registered: 8/7/07
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 21, 2007 4:37 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I talked this over with my mom the other day and asked her why the "rule" was that the MOB doesn't host the shower.  She told me that her understanding (of the long ago origin) was so the bride didn't look "friend of the friendless" - as in, the only person who would throw you a party was your mom.  Maybe this isn't it at all, who knows.  Where I grew up, traditionally one of the MOB's friends (who's probably watched the bride grow up) hosts the shower.

It's crazy how regional/site specific tradition and ettiquette can get!

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Guest
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 21, 2007 6:00 PM Go to message in response to: Fitzer

I agree with AOTB.  My understanding of this particular rule is that it stems from the time when the bride lived with or was supported by her parents until marriage.  Therefore, it was the family's duty to ensure that the bride had everything she might need to set up a home.  For the MOB to host a shower was to say, "please buy my daughter a toaster so I don't have to".

Rules evolve when the necessity for the rules change.  Most women today are not fully supported by their parents prior to marriage, so it doesn't seem as odd when a parent or family member hosts a shower.  Today, the parents are not expected to provide the dowry and for needs of their daughters' households in  the same way as they used to be. 

I personally don't care who hosts the shower, as long as it's not the bride or mother-to-be, which I have seen done.


 

 I'll be a Mrs. on November 10, 2007

Love one another and you will be happy.  It's as simple and as difficult as that. 

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MrsWhtrse04 Posts : 116 Registered: 3/1/07
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 21, 2007 6:22 PM Go to message in response to: CCforever

I agree this rule is dumb. When my brother was getting married by mom made me host the bridal shower for my SIL. Not that it mattered I was happy to do it but I asked why didn't she just do it and she freaked and said "NO it is so improper". She did most of it anyways but still. I was the offically host.


I don't know exactly why this rule came about but it is my understanding that bridal showers came about back in the days when a brides parents paid or gave gifts to the grooms and his family to marry their daughter. Apprently the bridal shower came about because friends would throw one for their friend who wanted to get married but her and her family did not have anything to give to the groom and his family, so the presents her friends gave her would act as kind of like a dowry. I don't know how true this is but thats what I've read. So maybe the rule has something to do with that.

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 21, 2007 8:52 PM Go to message in response to: CCforever

Yeah I agree!  That and the old-fashioned notion that the bride's family pays for everything--heck my FH's parents are loaded and if they want to pay, yeah I'm letting them!  :-)

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Guest
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 8:29 AM Go to message in response to: CCforever

It's not just you, and I think that with people in their 20s (like you and I) the tied is turning on some of the sillier etiquette rules. I am in a wedding in December and the bride live out of town. Her mom is hosting the shower and the bridesmaids are helping. I don't see anything wrong with this at all.

I expressed my desire for a jack/jill shower and I believe that my mom and my FMIL may host it. I think that this is becoming more common and no one thinks less of you or your family if a relative hosts it. Many bridesmaids cannot because of their financial situations and most people understand this.

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CCforever Posts : 33 Registered: 7/25/07
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 10:56 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks to auntofthebride, katzi, and everyone else who explained this rule. Although I still disagree with it, I appreciate the background.

I just think some of these rules need to be updated. Personally, I see a shower as a chance to celebrate with those closest to you-not a gift grab. I have never once even thought to view any of the showers I have attended as such.

Not to mention, as I'm sure many other brides are these days (although I certainly can't say all), I am not financially dependent on my parents in any way. I would never even think to ask them to help me buy stuff for a future house; I purchased everything for the condo I own by myself.

Almost every single bride who's shower I've attended was in the same position.

I guess if I felt the bride was really greedy or self-centered, I might view the shower as a gift grab, but I don't think I'd be friends with someone like that in the first place.

And blndsnbrdr, I agree with you. A lot of the stigma attached to being a bride these days really has kept me from completely enjoying being a bride-to-be.


Apollo and Starbuck forever

 Oh yeah, Kate and Sawyer, too :-)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: CCforever

dear CC,

One thing that you should bear in mind is that "everyone was OK with it" could be a fallacy. I know I've attended various bridal and baby showers hosted by a mother or sister. I don't say a word about this being questionable etiquette.

I just go, take a nice gift, smile, and have a good time. I would not want to upset the party hostess nor the honoree by pointing out they are on thin etiquette ice.

The nice thing about a message board such as this one is that you can find out what people really think. The board is anonymous, so no hard feelings are created between you and a real-life friend. If you decide you hate my guts because of me expressing an honest opinion, so what?

As you said above, it's good to know what the rules are, and the rationale behind the rules. Then you can make an informed decision as to what path to take.

In my opinion, on a scale of 1-10 where 10 is omitting thank you notes, a shower hosted by a relative is about a 2. The shower hosted by the honoree herself would be about a 5.

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CCforever Posts : 33 Registered: 7/25/07
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 2:55 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

auntofthebride, I was not upset or angry about what you said. I did not mean it to come off that way. 

Apollo and Starbuck forever

 Oh yeah, Kate and Sawyer, too :-)

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Is it just me?
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: CCforever

Dear CC,

I know, and I did not take it that way. You're just trying to sort out what is right, what is wrong and why. That's normal for everyone.

I went through that process, too. Everyone does.

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