Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: Beca

I feel like there are TWO of me ... the part that wants to stay here in NY and keep trying for this goddamn performing career and auditioning and stuff, and the part that wants to live in a house and have kids and be near my family and have a more suburban lifestyle. And I cant figure out how to put those two things together to make one person.

OMG, that's EXACTLY how I feel.  Just substitute NY and performing career for "DC" and "ditch responsible career for new life as freelance writer" and that could be me talking.

Growing up, I always thoght I'd grow old in the city, with a hip loft and a cute dog and Pottery Barn furniture.  Now, I'm getting married to a suburban, big-house wanting, big-family needing, country man.  And suddenly that sounds pretty attractive as well.

I know I want kids, eventually.  I just also want time to myself, a small waistline, disposable income, overseas vacations, and the freedom to drink, eat sushi, and go to Starbucks for the rest of my life.  So exactly how do I compromise on this?


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"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." --Albert Einstein

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LochNessie Posts : 1,631 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 3:06 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I'm with you.  But substitute D.C. and freelance writing for "any city not in the South, oh please God" and "journalist".  I don't want to be one of those moms who never sees their kids, who is too stressed out from work to be a good mother, but I also want to see the world, work, eat sushi (amen!) and go cover crazy stories in insane parts of the world without worrying about my kids.  I don't know how to compromise either.  Somethings, I think it would be easier to live in the 1950s, but I don't think I'm cut out for that either.

-Ness 





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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 5:44 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

I'm not married yet...but I do know that FH and I plan on starting a family within year of getting married. At that point, we would have been together for 4 years...I will be 27 and he will be 30.

I understand the whole fear thing. I grew up swearing that I woud not have any kids...I am an only child and I thought they were brats!  But since I met my FH, that has changed. I cannot wait to start a family with him. I have also gotten to know a few more kids that are just adorable. I know FH will be a great dad and he's looking foward to being a little league coach and teaching them karate and so forth.

Dont let your fear rule your life and marriage. Even though you think other people's kids are brats or terrors or whatever...you will feel differently about your own kids.

Another reason why I'm having kids is because I don't want us to grow old alone../ family is one of the biggest joys of life.

Good luck!  


The Big Day: 9/20/08

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futureMrsD Posts : 155 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 10:31 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

"I know I want kids, eventually.  I just also want time to myself, a small waistline, disposable income, overseas vacations, and the freedom to drink, eat sushi, and go to Starbucks for the rest of my life.  So exactly how do I compromise on this?"


LOL -- EXACTLY!!  How DOES one manage to have both?!

And:  "Family is one of the biggest joys of life."  Yes, I agree completely.  Both DH and I come from very small families, so it seems only right to try to expand -- I think it would make us all  happy to have a little someone to enjoy. 

But again, after looking at my paycheck today, I couldn't help wonder how people afford it.  I don't know where I'd cut back to make room in the budget for another one of us.

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JosesGirl Posts : 582 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 3, 2007 8:49 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

I'll be 24 in October and I've always said that I want to have my first child by the time I'm 25. My husband and I got married January 20th of this year. My MOH and his best man's girlfriend got pregnant back in August....which is when baby fever took hold of me. We've been talking about having children since we started dating back in 2004 and then when all my friends and coworkers started having babies (seriously I had 8 pregnant women around me just months after my wedding), I realized how much I really want one of my own. Our best man's baby is our God-daughter, and happens to be the same mix our babies will be (Puerto Rican and American/Gringo (mutt mix), or as my husband jokingly calls them, "Pringos".) It was kinda cool because our babies will probably look A LOT like she does and she's the most beautiful little girl! I held her for the first time and my heart melted. I watched my husband hold her and talk to her and a whole different part of me I didn't realize was there fell in love with him all over again.

This brings us to today....we're going to start trying for a baby in September. I've been so excited and thrilled about the idea. My MOH is already excited about throwing my baby shower and everyone else around me is excited for us. But over the past few days I have started having second thoughts....

If we go through with this, no more sleeping in on the weekends, no more quiet and private one on one time with my husband. I'd have to get up earlier every morning to make sure the baby is ready as well as myself. No more worrying about just me and my husband...I'm going to have a whole other life to be responsible for. No more splurging on my husband for Christmas. Basically life as I currently know it is over.....

 

I know all of this is worth it when you look into your beautiful baby's eyes....but I'm getting scared. I know we'd have a lot of help from our families. We may not have big families, but the little that we do have are there whenever we need them. It's just a big responsibility to take on, and although I'm scared, I feel like I'm ready to be a mommy.

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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 3, 2007 8:56 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

absolutelty! I just got engaged less than 2 weeks ago and i'm already getting the baby talk. It scares me to death! You're not alone

 

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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 5, 2007 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

Oh, I share your fear. My fear is huge concerning having babies.  I love my ex's child but I am torn on whether or not this is for me. My husband is a great father (he has one daughter from a previous relationship). And, he's the type to truly help out. My husband will do the dishes, cook, clean, shop for his daughter etc.  So, I have no fear in all the work and responsibilities being on me.  But, I will be responsible for another human being as long as we both shall live. Also, I want to go to law school. I find it hard to figure a child into the equation. The thing is, my husband wants one from me (though he says that I can take my time...eh, not sure if I believe that's what he really wants).

I agree with the ladies who say, do it for you when you feel ready. Only you will know that time.  You have to figure out whether it is an actual and "normal" fear of the kind of parent you want to be as opposed to you just not wanting kids at all.  It's tough to decipher between the two. Trust me, I'm there.  But, over time, it will become clearer to you. Certain things are starting to become clearer to me.  Give yourself some time.  And, you have more time than you think.  Make sure you don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do.  Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Hartley Posts : 139 Registered: 2/8/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 8, 2007 6:35 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

THANK YOU for bringing up this topic, OP!  I relate 100%... babies are a spooky prospect!  Here's my 2c on the matter --

The concerns here seem to be varied... some concerned about conception, others understandably un-keen to give up a good (and barf-and-poop-free) lifestyle, still others concerned about finances, or even worried about not screwing up a new human being.  Or worried about maybe not even ever wanting a baby at all.  I'm there with you on ALL these.

Here's my mantra, though.  It might help... I know it makes the whole topic less stressful for me.

My much-younger cousin had a baby several years back.  At the time, she was a teenager, not even finished high school.  Nor would she, before the child was born.  She didn't initially want to have a baby, and she certainly couldnt afford one.  But hey, this has happened, and so she'd make it work.

It's been hard for her, I know, but overall, the lovely little Kendra has been a huge blessing on the whole family.  My cousin has turned out to be a great mum, despite being an unlikely candidate.  And whereas I would worry about any and every little thing about child rearing, my baby cousin just makes it work.  Not always the best way, mind you, but she makes it work.  It's a tremendous source of confidence, youth!  And while there will be problems, certainly, Kendra is a smart, joyful, and much-loved girl.

Then I think about the four accomplished, healthy, happy and wonderful people my dirt-poor fifteen-year-old grandma raised.

The overall message here is this:   While pregnancy in the fullness of youth is less than ideal in many, many ways, perhaps those of us who've waited have something to learn about not worrying so much. 

Because, as my wise FMIL says, "kids are much harder to kill than plants"!  LOL

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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 9, 2007 3:31 PM Go to message in response to: Hartley

@Hartley

What a story! lol@the last line.  Okay, my mom just told me about this woman she read about that had six kids and decided she wanted to go to medical school (and completed it while being a successful parent and pillar in her community).

Very interesting Ms. Hartley. It makes me wonder...am I just plain selfish?lol And, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little selfish.  But what I'm saying is, why can't we have it all? When we think in terms of having babies, why do we think of it as if our worlds will end? There can still be fun, traveling, law school (eh hem at me).  I can still have the fullness of my life even though it will require a different kind of sacrifice. I think that's the fear for a lot of women.  What do I have to give up for this...On the other hand and my mom said, when you hold your baby in your arms, you will think about how you could possibly have wanted to trade this experience to begin with (at least the average mom).

I say all that to say, I am yet undecided but your post has reminded me that I can have it all if I choose to. And while I haven't decided on whether to have a baby or not...lol@me, I feel a bit more at ease knowing that if I did get pregnant, that it will be okay. Sometimes what blesses us the most are the things that we couldn't fully plan for. I need to stop trying to have the "perfect" outcomes and just be.

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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 11, 2007 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have always been leary of having kids, because I don't want to have to struggle the way my mother did to give them anything approaching a good life.  However, now that we have been married a few months, I admit to having thoughts of babies, and the fact that at 33, I might need to start thinking about it a bit more seriously if we are ever going to do it.  The thing is, my husband married me secure in the knowledge that I and he were on the same page about not having kids.  And we are surrounded by people who tell us not to, including both of our parents, and my sister who says privately that she regrets having my nephew.  She loves him, but had no idea that being a single mother would be as difficult as it is.  Hard to go against all that anti-child sentiment.

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HLYflute Posts : 1,282 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 12, 2007 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

I'm not scared of kids (actually I rather like them... I babysat a lot when I was younger, and had a little brother and cousins), but I am TERRIFIED of pregnancy!  I can't imagine anything worse, ever; I would seriously rather die.  The potential of being sick to your stomach everyday, and all the other "side effects" I've heard about... no thanks!  And although it sounds superficial, I love clothes, fashion, and shopping, and the thought of not being able to wear my normal clothes for 9 months (well, 6 I suppose) makes me really sad!  Also, what if I never get back to the same size, and all that money I spent on my clothes is wasted?

Also, kids are expensive.  I think about all the other things I could buy with the money it costs to raise a kid... exotic vacations, nice house, nice cars.  Maybe I'm a little selfish on this subject, or maybe I'm just young, but DH and I are definitely on the same page with the no kids thing. (He actually has a bit of that fear of babies like the OP described... was never around them much growing up, and doesn't quite know how to react to them now).

Most people, our moms included, don't seem to mind that we're not planning on kids.  A few people have said we might change our minds... if we do fine, but if not, that's fine too.  I think IF we decided we did want them, I'd definitely adopt.  But I don't see us changing our minds. 

Note: this post is my own personal opinion, reflecting my own situation!  I have nothing against people who love kids, have kids, want kids, whatever.  I don't even dislike kids-- I just don't want my own. :-) 

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mindykatz Posts : 198 Registered: 5/27/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 12, 2007 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

My brother and I grew up in a small family (we were the only kids and we are close in age), so neither of us had ever held a baby before....until my brother had his own kid last month! His son was the first baby he ever held (how sweet is that??) and now my nephew will be the first baby I'll ever hold as well! We are goign to visit them for the first time in August.

I am a complete baby-phobe. I think they're cute, but I'm afraid he'll poop on me, or he'll drop it, or he'll cry, or i wont hold him right, etc etc etc. Luckily I'll have my mom, dad, brother, and my awesome FSIL to help me.

I also have braces right now - full-on metal braces (my parents paid for them as my engagement present so my teeth are straight for my wedding). I'm afriad I'll look down and smile at the precious little baby and he will look up at his adoring Auntie Mindy and be like.."AHHH MY GOD!!!! SHES GONNA EAT ME! SHES GOING TO SLASH ME WITH HER METAL TEETH! AHH!!"

lol!!!!! We'll see!

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LochNessie Posts : 1,631 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 14, 2007 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: HLYflute

I'm with you on the whole fear of pregnancy thing.  But I guess if we decided to have kids, I could see adopting.  Though I do see the draw of having someone on earth running around who is a mix of both me and FH.

-Ness 





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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 15, 2007 7:30 PM Go to message in response to: LochNessie

I know I'm coming in on this late but I read a few posts above where someone was wondering if they were being selfish by not wanting kids. 

I personally don't want them. FH doesn't want them at all. Are we selfish? Yes. We are. No we are not. I don't think it's a bad thing personally. I see it as doing a child a favor. There are so many children out there who are thrown to the wayside because their parents didn't want them. How many children are growing up so messed up because really their parents should never have had children, or afterwards the parents decided the kids make a better punching bag, or abuse them sexually. 

I know I would be any of those people if I did have kids,  but I know I wouldn't be the best parent in the world either, simply because I don't have the desire to be.

But damn I make a really great Auntie! ;) My secret? : I can give them back to their parents LOL  


11.11.07 I marry my best friend. Who said all angels are in heaven?

 

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Guest
Re: Does anyone else have Fear of Babies?
Posted: Jul 17, 2007 11:35 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

OP, you are not alone!  I am 28 and was just married May 5, and I felt like as soon as we walked down the aisle, the question started!!  We are not ready at all... We feel it is very important to have at least 2 yrs to ourselves to travel and develop our marriage both emotionally and financially.  You are smart for not rushing in!  It is a HUGE responsibility, and an enormous strain on your marriage.  We want our marriage to be solid before bringing another life into it. 

 

I personally feel your fear of having a baby, I am very career oriented and have several life goals I will achieve before I have a baby.  So many people are (smartly) waiting these days.  People have babies at 40 for goodness sake!  I would like to think about trying at 30 or 31 (hopefully my hormones will kick in!)  BUT, Even if you don't ever get that 'urge', there is nothing wrong with you...  You will just have more money and free time than your friends with kids:)

 

 

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