FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"

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BritSig64 Posts : 24 Registered: 1/24/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jun 30, 2007 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Just like everyone else - I am sorry you had to hear that.

My mother passed away almost three years ago - She had breast cancer, then bone cancer, then brain caner.  Anyways it was really hard for me to go dress shopping - all of my BM's are in dif. states going to school, so several times my fiance went with me - We got some funny looks, because he is "traditionally" not suppesed to see my dress, but that is what we had to do.

Sorry to make this about me - That is something that just sort of frustrates me when I see brides acting like that - My FMIL has been very involved, and very willing to help with whatever, and so I am SO SO thankful for that.

Hope that your relationship improves :) Be positive about the situation!


..............Almost a MRS!!!!!

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 1, 2007 5:17 PM Go to message in response to: BritSig64

I am sorry, but I am going to take the bride's side on this. There is no reason that an FMIL has to go wedding dress shopping. Dress shopping is a mother-daughter thing. The FMIL can see the dress the day of the wedding along with everyone else. Some of my friends took the FMIL wedding dress shopping, but most did not.  My MIL did not go wedding dress shopping or go to a fitting or see a pic of the dress before the ceremony. She saw it the day of the wedding. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Can't anyone empathize with the girl? Trying on dresses is a very sensitive and emotional time, one which the FDIL ONLY wanted to share with her mother and not her FMIL, who she doesn't get on with, an FMIL who should have known she wasn't exactly going to be welcome.  I know that if anyone had tried to make me take my FMIL wedding dress shopping, I would have had to break some faces. That is strictly mother/daughter bonding time. Let the FMIL bond with her son while he goes for his tux. Leave the dress thing to the bride to be and her mom. I think the FMIL was VERY insensitive to intrude on that bonding moment the FDIL was sharing with her mom.


null

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 1, 2007 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think the fact that FMIL being invited to watch FDIL is the issue. I've seen the bride go with Aunts, cousins, best friends, FMIL. Heck,  when I was trying on mine the girl next to me had her FH and his Bestman there. No women were with her at all. 

The issue is that the FDIL irresponsibly lashed out at the FMIL because of the past issues between them. Both women need to take responsibility for their actions and try to come together and start fresh. Hash things out what ever it takes. They are becoming one family, and it is not fair to FH to be placed in the middle of it all when he loves both of them. Why have that kind of tension and anger in your life when an apology on both their parts, and an equal honest effort to move forward in a positive and proactive manner can make a HUGE difference.

Had things started out on the right foot, who knows,  maybe FDIL would have loved to have her along when she was trying on dresses. 


11.11.07 I marry my best friend. Who said all angels are in heaven?

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 1, 2007 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

But FDIL did not want FMIL there, that is the point. She just wanted her mother and by the way it sounds, even if FMIL and FDIL did get along, FDIL may just have wanted to dress shop with her mom and that is her right. Some things an FMIL is not included in on.

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: BritSig64

I just think this girl is being tacky...No, she might not have wanted her there, but you what...they will be family.  The bride can choose to take her opinions or just ignore her, but the FMIL is in her life now (whether she likes it or not).  And just because you are a bride and "stressed" doesn't mean you have to be a bitch...

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:32 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think she was being a bitch. This FMIL has admitted she was mean to her FDIL and it seems like she has never apologized for that meanness. Would you want a mean FMIL to go wedding dress shopping with you, especially since it is a mother-daughter thing? No, I bet you wouldn't.  This FMIL was intruding on precious mother daughter bonding. Forcing herself into FDIL's life is only going to make things worse and maybe this FDIL does not consider her FMIL family.  Some people consider their in-laws to be just that, in-laws. We still don't know what this FMIL has done to cause her FDIL to be like this. It could be something heinous and yet you all are so quick to take the FMIL's side, where so far, the FMIL is completely at fault.

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Diana0721 Posts : 22 Registered: 6/28/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:46 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Ok, well who MADE her ask her FMIL?  I mean, she said that her son must have talked to her, but that doesn't mean she HAD to invite her.  For some reason, she did.

The issue is not whether FMIL should have gone shopping (I mean, how would it have made FDIL feel if she said no?  Talk about a no win situation); the issue is the relationship between these two women.

The bride has undoubtedly learned to say "no" in her life; she could have easily said no to FH.

The FMIL didn't intrude; she was invited.  If it was such precious mother-daughter bonding time, FDIL shouldn't have offered.

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:58 AM Go to message in response to: Diana0721

I don't think it is that black and white. FMIL says she told her son she felt left out of the wedding plans, so the son probably asked FDIL to invite his mom.  FDIL probably didn't want to do it-and he might not know there is a rift-but she gave into maybe appease her FH and shut up FMIL from whining some more.

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Trust me, as the mother of an only son who is also my only child, I am fully aware that checking out wedding dresses is solely a mother-daughter thing. I was just hoping that I could share some of it. I was all too aware that I was "intruding"while I was there with FDIL and her mom.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

she gave into maybe appease her FH and shut up FMIL from whining some more.

Yeah, but the bride here still should have said no.  She had choices at every juncture as well.  She could have told her FH, no, I really want this to be a mother/daughter event.  She could have personally called up FMIL and said, I heard you would like to come out wedding dress shopping with me.  But I really need this to be just time with my mother; how about you come for a fitting?

As a bride (and I'm presuming later as a wife) there are boundaries we have to set and negotiate with our new in-laws.  It takes time to work it all out.  But throwing tantrum doesn't help anything - ever.  It just makes us look childish (and if our in-laws don't like us already, it just plays right into their hands).

The problem here, as I see it (and as others have already pointed out, so I'm probably just repeating them) is that the matisse doesn't like her future daughter in law.  That's awkward.  It's awkward for wedding planning purposes, and it will be awkward for their future as a family as well.  FDIL knows she is not liked, I'm sure.  And, honestly, as long as those feelings are there, there's nothing you can really do about it.  You just have to let time do the healing.

The future daughter in law is awkward around the family, I'm sure.  Who knows if this will ever change?  The best thing the family can do is stay out of it - stay out of the wedding planning, and only give advice if asked. 

At least, you still have the rehearsal dinner to pay for/plan, right?  To the extent that will allow you to cooperate with your FDIL and perhaps help mend some bridges, that's progress.


------------------------------------------------------------

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." --Albert Einstein

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 11:34 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

FMIL (OP) admitted that she was not nice to FDIL in the past and basically said she dosen't like her. Now I am going out on a limb here. But if I were tryingon wedding dresses and KNEW my FMIL didn't like me, but I invited her ANYWAY to be the bigger person and appease my FH I would have been ticked off too if FMIL made nasty comments about the dresses I tried on.

And FMIL (OP) you need to apologize to your FDIL and start treating her with respect. You don't have to love her, but YOUR SON DOES...so you have to respect her.

And I can tell you all my MIL (DH and I have been married almost a year together for 7) was HORRID to me during my planning process (and for quite a few years prior to) and DH washed his hands with his mother and SHE WAS NOT invited to our wedding (which was completley DH's decision) and we have not spoken to her since. So you may want to think of this as gaining a daughter rather that loosing a son...whcih you may do if you keep treating the woman he loves like crap.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

We don't know for sure if she has in fact been disrespectful to the FDIL.  I know that lots of people have problems with their mother in-laws - but in this case, we don't know who in fact here has been disrespectful at all.   More than anything, this sounds more like a mismatch of personalities (one reserved, one outgoing) which is difficult for sure, but not necessarily disrespectful. 

I also don't know if she in fact did in fact make "nasty comments" about the dresses.  She called one "old-fashioined"; it's not like we know that she said to the FDIL "you look fat".

OP, my question is, what do you actually want out of your relationship with your FDIL?  Do you actually want a relationship with her?  Or do you only want to be included in wedding planning?  If it's the latter, you are probably just screwed.  If it's the former, if it's going to happen, it'll take time (and compromise).


------------------------------------------------------------

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." --Albert Einstein

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immigrants Posts : 349 Registered: 4/24/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:05 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I also am a mother of the groom ( actually 2 grooms ) AND  the mother of a bride. I went dress shopping with my daughter but as for my FDIL "s no I didn't. My one FDIL and I are very close but she went with her mom and I was not invited and you know what I didn't mind at all, when she found the dress she wanted she showed me a picture of it but I wasn't upset about not be included.  I am paying for my daughters whole wedding and I am not helping with either of the boys weddings except I will pay for the rehearsal dinner and they will both  get a nice some of money to buy furniture  with. So I feel since I am not contributing I have NO SAY in what they do. If they want to tell me whats going on fine if they don't fine all I ask is that they let me know how many people I can invite. In this case though the bride DID ask her FMIL to go with them so why would she say no? If she would of said no then that probably would of opened another can of worms. If either one of my FDIL's did that to me I would of been horrified and just turned around and left without saying a word.

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southerngirl Posts : 281 Registered: 4/5/07
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Ok, first off, you have been less than nice to her. Second, you say you don't like her because she isn't outgoing like your son and the rest of your family. Well, I'm like your FDIL. I'm NOT outgoing, but FH and his family is. I had been around FIL's for years before we actualy started getting to know one another. If you want a good friendly relationship, spend some time alone with her. Do something not even the slightest bit related to the wedding. Take her to lunch, get your nails/hair done, etc. You should apologize for being mean to her, tell her that you want to be involved in their lives. Not control their lives, or be nosy, just to be involved. You have to make an effort here. You are the one who started out not liking her. Don't expect her to come to you after you try once or twice. Make an effort for a couple of weeks, if she doesn't seem to come around by about a month, then you can always say you tried. BTW, you say you still don't like her, if this is the way you feel, and you don't plan to gain a friend in all this, then you are wasting your time. If my Fmil didn't like me, I wouldn't want her around either.

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Guest
Re: FDIL screamed at me, "You're not my mom!!!"
Posted: Jul 2, 2007 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

It pains me to say this, because I am very embarrassed by it, but I will fess up-I was not very nice to Simone at the start of her relationship to my son, so that is why she is upset with me still.

So the OP ADMITTED that she was not nice to her FDIL, I wouldn't want her dress shopping with me either an dI DO NOT think FMIL had the right to open her mouth and say a dress that FDIL tried on (so therefore must have liked to some extent) was old fashioned. And in another post the OP admits to stand offish behavior which I can see in my head...folded arms, rolling eyes...etc.

And as far as the FDIL telling the OP "you are not my mom"...well, your not.

I think you need to apologize and accept your FDIL for what she is the future wife to your son. You don't be mean to someone just because they are shy and you are outgoing...that is beyond immature.

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