No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??

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Guest
No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 1:00 PM

I am so fustrated with this topic and dont know how to handle it. We are getting married on a yacht that cruises the harbor. Due to the location of the wedding, we decided not to have children at the wedding. We made this very clear to our family. I have even hired a babysitter that will be watching my neices and nephews at my moms house which is about 40 minutes from the boat.

My FHs cousin called me and said they had to bring her 7 yr old son.(her kid is one reason I didnt want kids. he is out of control and the mom does not watch him) I had offered the babysitting and she said that was too much out of her way to drive and drop him off. And when she originally RSVP'd, she only included herself and not her husband. Now she is calling to add her husband and her kid. So, I called FH's mom and asked for them to please politely tell them that there are no children. So FhH's dad told the cousins mom to tell them not to bring their kids.  A couple of days later, his other cousin (they are sisters) called and said she had to bring her kid because her husband wont let anyone watch her kid.

We made a decision not to have kids and I just dont understand why they feel like its ok because they dont want to get a sitter. So, now, to make things worse, our friend from the East Coast emailed me and said they are coming out for the wedding but they are bringing their daughter. She said she understood that we didnt want children at the wedding and she is prepared to stay back at the hotel with her kid and just let her husband come to the wedding if she cant bring her kid. So basically she asked if she could bring her kid but would not if I said no. Now, that makes me feel like crap because they are traveling so far to come to the wedding and then to have to have the wife stay at the hotel. But I cant tell his cousins no and our friends yes.

I just dont know what to do. Any advice??

Also- keep in mind that we have limited space on the boat and had we invited all the children , we would have had to not invite about 25 of our friends who really want to be at the wedding. So we felt it was better to have our friends who really want to be there versus children who really dont care.


 

 

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sweetneet Posts : 45 Registered: 7/21/06
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well I don't have personal experience with this, but i do know that this is a common problem (people begging bring their kids to the wedding, even though they are not invited). I guess one thing you could do is arrange for another sitter near the wedding site--that way out-of-town guests could drop off their kids there. But I should point out that doing this is entirely OPTIONAL--you have no obligation to make these arrangements for other people. It is your wedding, and if the "no kids" policy is inconvenient for some people, then should be able to deal with it on their own. I think it is quite rude of people to impose their children on your wedding, just because it's inconvenient for them. Parents always arrange for babysitters when they go on vacations/nights out, so why should a wedding be any different? And I don't think you should allow your cousin's kids there,  just because it's "inconvenient" for them (you've already gone through the trouble of arranging a sitter for them--what more do they want!?) I they they are being quite unreasonable in this case. if they don't want to leave their kid with a sitter, then that's their issue and they shouldn't make it yours.

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Guest
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

STAND FIRM! What these people are tring to do is guilt you into letting them have their way. Just keep your 25 friends in mind if you find yourself wavering. Your location is not great for kids and that's okay! And this is one area where you'll just upset people if you make exceptions.

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Guest
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i don't know why people don't understand either...as a parent i would be totally respectful of your policy...and look forward to a day on a yacht w/out my daughter! why don't these people find their own sitters if the one you hired is too far away? i kind of don't really want a lot of kids at our wedding either...so i just set the time for 7pm and the reception following..i know some ppl rsvp no because of it would be to late for their children..and thats just their choice...just use the reason they you simply don't have room on the boat..and hopefully they will understand...

  don't let your friend make you feel bad..it's your day... 


i'm so happy it's happy hour!

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

When they try to insist that they bring their kid or that they won't be able to come just tell them you are sorry they can't come and you will miss them. 

I really hate when guests try to dictate the guest list for ANY reason- insisting on bringing kids, dates, whatever.  This is YOUR party and they can invite whoever they want to theirs.  If they really stopped to think about it they would realize that your wedding is particularly inappropriate for kids.

And, please, let's all not get all caught up and upset about this issue like we normally do.  The point is that when YOU are the one throwing the party YOU get to decide on the guest list.  If someone was having a formal cocktail party at their home would you insist on bringing your child?  No, because it is a situation that isn't meant for children.  Some may feel that weddings are family affairs but you can invite all the kids you want to YOUR wedding.  Some may not understand that some brides and grooms simply aren't kid people- your child may be the nicest, smartest, and most polite kid out there but unless the bride and groom are close to them why should they invite them?  And why should they feel like they have to invite 25 kids they barely know who probably don't want to come anyway in the place of 25 friends who DO want to come?

Sorry.  This argument just gets out of hand pretty quickly, maybe we can call a truce and head things off before they get heated!  :)

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I am a firm believer that weddings should not have an age limit, especially when you are dealing with family-  HOWEVER--

 Your venue is TOTALLY not suited for children-

As a bride, I feel you did the responsible thing by not including children on a boat.  Way too many bad possibilities there.

As a mother I also feel you did a very responsible thing, because even though normally my boys are pretty well behaved out of the home (now at home that is a TOTALLY different story!) there are still a LOT of things they can get into which may cause for a tradgic incident.

As a guest and a mother, I would respect your decision and make the decision to come based on the ability to find someone to watch the boys to free me up to attend without kids, not to harras the bride because the venue is just not kid friendly.

So even though I truly believe that children shouldn't be left out, in this situation, you were VERY responsible to do so, and I am sorry that your cousin cannot see that side of the coin.

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Guest
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am a mother to a 6 year old and did have kids at my wedding, I have also attended "child free" wedding as well.

As far as your cousins (or FH's cousins) You can say that you got a sitter and if they can't use that or find another adult of their choice to watch the kids then they will be missed but you will be sure to show them all the pictures.

The friend comming from the east coast (IMO) is trickier...I don't like to leave the state without my child...so I can understand them wanting to bring their daughter, but also being leery of a sitter that they really don't know. Try to find someone (maybe who works at a daycare or runs one...) who you can offer them (at their expense or yours...whichever you decide) that way they can see crudentials and leave their child in a better state of mind. As a parent I know I would feel better.

ut, I do think it is rude when any guest tries to dictate the guest list. I had DH's family do this to me (not with kids but with my BIL's...whom DH dosen't even talk to, his GF) and I would not have her there. Period. make threats and throw tantrums I don't care. It isn't your party it is mine and DH's!

So stick to your guns. And really try not to feel bad. But if I were you I would look into the daycare thing, if your friends from the east coast are really important to you and FH.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:10 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Stay firm.

Some people simply have a hard time comprehending a wedding without children.  They just have this automatic "well, of course it's okay if I bring my child" setting.  It's your responsibility to curb it.  When the guest says "I can't find a babysitter so I'm bringing little Johnny," you say "I'm sorry, but this is an adults only event." and when they say "But Johnny is very well-behaved," you say "I'm sorry, but this is an adults only event." and when they say (and I've heard this from one of my guests already) "what about if I and my infant just stay in the corner and watch the facility - she won't be running around or anything," you say "I'm sorry, but this is an adult-only event."

If you have to (and only if you have to - I don't think you should have to ever justify your guest list to anyone), you can stress that you can't break the rule for some guests and not others without causing serious problems, or you can remind them that the yacht setting makes this particularly difficult for children (tell them that there are no child-sized life preservers on board to really drive it home).

And don't feel guilty about the friend who is traveling and then not being able to come.  That is her choice, not yours.  She could try and arrange alternative arrangements so she can come, or she can not come at all.  That's her choice.  Her trying to throw the ball back in your court is unnecessary, and a little rude.


------------------------------------------------------------

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy." --Albert Einstein

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NYBridesmaid Posts : 11 Registered: 6/7/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:18 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Why don't you just blame the venue? Say it's their policy that no one under the age of 18 (or whatever) can be on board for this type of event.  IMO it seems like their insurance would be astronomical if they did... When in doubt, blame the venue or some mysterious 'policy' that they cannot check up on.

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: NYBridesmaid

I don't think that will work NY......because I had that lie pulled on me, and I called and checked the "policy".  You can find out anything nowadays.......thanks to the internet.

That is also a cowards way out of a sticky situation.

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mindykatz Posts : 198 Registered: 5/27/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I totally agree that a boat is not a good place for children. If I were you, if people keep trying to fiddle their way into bringing their children, just tell them point black and a boat is not a place for kids, there are way too many bad circumstances that could arise, and since you are hosting the party, you do not want to deal with the consequences if something DOES happen.

Hopefully if you bring up the issue of child safety, your guests will understand why you are not allowing children, and they will either not bring them or just won't come. You have to be prepared for the people who won't come if they cant bring their kids, though. MANY people don't like to leave their children with sitters for an extended period of time, or even at ALL.

I didn't want to have kids at my reception either but when I relaized that so so many of my family members have small children, I caved in. But our wedding is at a mansion with 30 acres of property, so there's plenty of room for kids to play. A boat is a totally different story.

Good luck!

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SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This drives me crazy as well. Some things are for adults only. But there are parents that can't seem to comprehend that. Or that can't possibly leave their children with any kind of sitter for any reason. The ones that really bug me are the ones who get that self-rightous tone and say "well if my children aren't welcome, then I'm not welcome" and then to expect that you'll realize what a horrible monster you are for thinking that children don't belong everywhere.

Okay, I'm venting, not providing any real advice here. I agree with the person who said that you just keep repeating the phrase "this event is for adults only." Don't give in to the people who try the emotional blackmail of "well I'll just sit in the hotel with my child." They expect you to then say "oh I don't want to stuck in the hotel, bring the precious little angel." If they really expect to just spend the whole time in the hotel with the child, there's no reason to even travel.

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Seadreamer, am I understanding you correctly when you said you called the venue about their no children policy?  Were you calling to complain to the venue that you don't like their policy or were you checking to see if you were lied to?  The hosts of the party get to determine the guest list, did it not occur to you that they simply didn't want to invite kids and told you this story because they knew you wouldn't stop arguing with them about it otherwise?

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Yes Newsie I called a venue to check on a "policy".....I was told that the venue did not allow anyone under the age of 21 to attend, and the bride (ick.. she was a total butthole) told me that I could not have the children anywhere near the room, not to mention the wedding.  Well the reception was in the HOTEL that we were STAYING at, and I had someone with me to watch the boys (they were not going to attend, I respect wishes).  I called before I accepted the invite and asked if it was OK for the boys to stop by  the reception (mainly for the purpose for me to make sure that they were ok and the babysitter was not pulling her hair out)....and they wanted to tell some of my family members HI as well.  She told me "absolutely not.......the hotel has a very strict policy about children and at no time are they to be near the wedding at all".  I told her that it would be for max 5 minutes and it was the same.  So, yes I called and checked on this "policy" and the hotel manager said there is no such policy. 

I knew it was a blaintent lie......so yes I checked.  I never suggested that the kids be invited to the wedding, just to see if they could pop in to tell their grandparents and other family members HI.

 

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: No kids at wedding! Why dont people understand??
Posted: Jun 27, 2007 4:24 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

That was an awfully strange lie told in response to your question BUT I have to say that I wouldn't want someone bringing uninvited guests by to say hi to people, even for only 5 minutes.  Just seems very awkward to me.  It is, of course, anyone's right to bring their children with them to the hotel but stopping by the reception is a bit  much.  Had I been that bride I would have suggested you do a meet and greet some other time while you were all in town- before the reception, at breakfast the next morning, whatever.  I had a very small wedding and there were people I could not invite and I felt uncomfortable even talking to them about the wedding, I can't imagine how awkward I would have felt if they showed up just to say hi to people. and it was more that than not allowing kids that got you upset.  Anyway, I'm glad you weren't calling so you could have ammunition to argue your case with the bride!  :) 

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