Am I wrong?

Online Users: 1,308 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 6

stevesgirl326 Posts : 9 Registered: 3/30/06
Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 7, 2007 4:03 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years. I am 20 and he is 21. For the past 4 years he has always told me that as soon as we can get married, we would. I moved in with him about a year and half ago (we lived at his Dad's house). We now have an apartment together and we are much happier (little to no family drama). I have been hinting (and at times flat out stating) that I want to get married. He proposed to me once before, about a year ago. He even went to my Dad and asked for his blessing. Now I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to some but my Dad can be very difficult and my boyfriend gets very nervous very easily and his nerves can make him physically sick. So any ways, after asking for my Dad's blessing, he told me to tell my family that we are getting married and my family was surprisingly supportive (they are rarely ever supportive of me). Then shortly after he tells me that he's changed his mind and that he's not ready. Then I find out that for the past 4 years he only told me he would marry me as soon as possible because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. His excuse for changing his mind is that he feels he's too young to get married, which I can understand. What I can't understand and won't accept as an excuse is that he went on to tell me that another reason is that both his dad (the man who just can't be with only one woman at a time) and his uncle (who can be very self involved) both got married in their early 20's and got divorced. Am I wrong for thinking he shouldn't base our situation on other people? I guess I just feel like after all this time he should know if I'm the one. By the time we would actually be married he would be 22/23 and I would be 21/22 y.o. What's even worse is that because I told my family that we were getting married and then had to go back shortly after and tell them we're not, I constantly have to come up with reasons why "we" decided not to. Both my mother and Grandmother can't understand why we aren't going through with it. It hurts having to make excuses that aren't true to what I'm feeling about the situation (and yes, I do have to lie in order to keep the peace about our relationship). I don't want them to think he's a bad guy for it b/c he really is a wonderful man. 

Sorry this is so long and thank you to any one who sat there and read it all!!!

I just really could use advise! Thank you! 

Reply


MrsMaldonado Posts : 2,852 Registered: 3/7/07
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 7, 2007 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: stevesgirl326

Hi sweetie,
Sorry you are going through this!!! That's horrible! I can only imagine how you feel. Honestly though, if he wasn't ready, he shouldn't have lied to you & told you that he was. That's not fair. And it does make matters a lot worse when you have to lie to your family & make excuses for him. If he says he's not ready, then don't push him, cause you wouldn't want him to marry you now & then a few months later wanting to get a divorce. And also, yes, I do agree with you that he should NOT base your relationship on how his father & uncle are. My advice to you is not to push him if he's not ready, but to talk to him & let him know how you feel if you haven't done so already. Take care hun & best of luck! Keep us posted!

~BryansFiancee~

Bryan & Maria Emanuela
October 4, 2008


Reply

stevesgirl326 Posts : 9 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 7, 2007 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMaldonado

I've tried talking to him about it but he just gets frustrated and we end up arguing over it. I know the whole situation would be easier if 1.) He had been honest from the beginning and 2.) I hadn't told my family. I can understand the age issue b/c we are young but I hate knowing that it's mostly b/c of his dad, who I can't stand by the way. (I have a real love and respect for his mother and I hate that he hurt her so badly by cheating). His mom has had a really difficult life (emotionally and financially) because of the divorce and I hate to think that I'm not getting married to the man of my dreams because his narcissistic  father couldn't be selfless enough to treat his first wife with the love and respect that a woman needs in a marriage, even if he was only in his early 20's. I just need some honest and unbiased advise about my situation. Thank you!

Reply


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 7, 2007 5:34 PM Go to message in response to: stevesgirl326

(deleted) - send PM if there's a question.

------------------------------------------------------------

'To the world you may be no one, but to someone you are the world."


Message was edited by MsDenuninani on Jun 11, 2007 10:38 AM

Reply
Guest
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 7, 2007 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: stevesgirl326

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds very confused. I know how you feel. I've been ready to get married since I was 20 (I'm 26 now), but he felt we were too young. I didn't see the point in pressuring him, why would you want to marry someone who didn't want to marry you? Maybe that's just me. I'm not going to say waiting 6 years not knowing was easy, it wasn't. Watching people who'd been together 5 minutes get married before me, wasn't easy either. I eventually decided it was more important for me to be with him than it was was for me to be married. We'll have been together for 10 years on the day we get married.  I would think everyone in your family would understand that he's young and confused. It's possible he's just young and will just wake up one day be ready to marry you. You just have to decide what YOU'RE ok with. Either waiting for him, or moving on because you're in differnt places emotionally. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been roughly where you are now, pm me. Good luck!

Reply

stevesgirl326 Posts : 9 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 8, 2007 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I guess it's time for me to decide what I want for my life and start working towards my goals. My story is a lot like MsDenuninani's story. A lot of my time over the past 4 years has been putting everything I can into my relationship and b/c of that most of my other goals have been pushed aside (this was my choice, he always supported me to do what I wanted/needed to be happy). But putting in the effort towards our relationship is what I wanted. I love him so much and want to end up with him but I think it's time to start focusing on myself again and just wait to see how everything works out.

Thank you to everyone. I would usually talk to my friends but of course they would be like "Oh no! He should marry you! What's wrong with him?". But in the back of their mind they would be thinking something completely different. I just needed unbiased opinions.

P.S. I'm new to using this forum so I'm still trying to figure out what everything means. What does "pm" mean?

Reply


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Am I wrong?
Posted: Jun 8, 2007 12:14 PM Go to message in response to: stevesgirl326

"pm" = personal message.  There's a button to the left of every post if you want to send someone a personal message.

Good luck with everything. 


------------------------------------------------------------

'To the world you may be no one, but to someone you are the world."

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine