People who did not send wedding gifts

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 10, 2006 7:29 PM

OK, I know that nobody is ever obligated to give a wedding gift, especially if they did not go to the wedding.  However, in my circles we would still send a gift to someone we were close to even if we couldn't attend.  In my case, I had two lifelong friends who could not attend my destination wedding, one because she had a baby the week before my wedding, the other because she had a newborn and couldn't travel.  Completely understandable.  However, neither of them gave me a wedding gift and I am kind of hurt about it.  I traveled to both their weddings and gave them $100 each.  One of them was only married a year and a half ago so it's not like this was ancient history.  I would never say anything to them of course but my feelings are kind of hurt because I have always gone out of my way to get them wedding gifts, wedding shower gifts (even though I couldn't attend), baby shower gifts (again, even though I couldn't attend), and more gifts when their babies were born (even though, again, I couldn't be there in person!).  And these girls can't even send me a card when I get married?  Also, my aunt and uncle couldn't come to my wedding or shower but they also didn't even send a card.  I would never say anything to them either but I can't help but feel hurt since I have always sent their kids gifts for various things.  Is this typical?  Did anyone else not even get cards from people you have been sending gifts to for years?  I am certainly not going to stop being friendly with these people but I'm not sending anymore gifts...

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 10, 2006 10:07 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Well Im not sure if its typical or not, but the same thing happened to me. My aunt couldnt come to my wedding last month and she didnt send anything. Two very close friends, same thing. And my husands FATHER gave us nothing and didnt show up. They arent very close but he offered nothing. I thought that was pretty crappy considering he can definately afford it and us and my parents paid for everything with zero help from his side of the family. Officially, people have one year to give gifts after a wedding, so dont assume yet that you wont receive anything. But I know what you mean... It made me feel a bit hurt too. Theres not much you can do about it, and youre going to feel however you feel about it, so I understand feeling that way. I did too.
Kelley Lynn:)

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 10, 2006 10:27 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I haven't been married yet but there have been many times in my life where I felt I am always the one to give and people seem to take it for granted. I can understand why you would feel this way. It is quite rude that they didn't send you a gift or even a card.

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Guest
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 10, 2006 10:54 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I agree with you! 

I am not married yet, but I always thought it was customary to send a regret RSVP with a gift.  Or at least before or just after the wedding.  I am so sorry that you have to feel this way, esp. because of people who are close to you. 

 I guess with the friends that had baby issues, I could understand that maybe they had alot going on and forgot or could not find time to go out and get a gift just yet.  But, that does not excuse it.  They still could have at least gone to the ATM and a card store and sent you a gift of money. The Aunt and Uncle should know better.  I am so sorry.  I know it is not about the actual gift.  But, in this case it is really is about the THOUGHT, they didnt even think to send anything. 

Now, being the type of person I am...that is one that likes to confront issues before I start to feel really weird about people...I would casually drop a sounding upset "wow, I'm surprised that there were some people that did not even send a card or a gift"  the next time you talk to them.  They wont know that it was just those three people, but maybe it will trigger their memory and you could at least get an appology or explaination out of them.  But...thats me and my personality. 

Let us know if they end up sending you something!


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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 2:00 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Oh thank goodness I am not the only one who feels this way!  I was afraid you would all jump all over me for being gift-grabby when it truly, truly is the thought.  We had a number of other people come to the wedding but not send a gift including my cousin and his wife (one of my bridesmaids!), DH's cousin who he is the only family DH is remotely close to, one of my uncles (who mentioned he forgot to bring the gift card to the wedding but still hasn't sent anything even though he just saw us at Thanksgiving), some friends of my parents who I am VERY close to (the husband officiated at our wedding and, no, I don't think that was their gift), and a few friends.  All of these people know their etiquette and I honestly think they thought they sent something and either thought the other one in the couple did it or forgot to send it.  I sent "thank you for coming" notes so that may jog the memories of some of them!  Again, it's not about the gifts but after sending gift after gift for weddings, graduations, milestone birthdays, it just makes you feel kind of bad when they don't reciprocate.

*

I will be sure to let you all know if anyone sends something!

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Guest
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 2:36 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I completely understand that you are more upset that they did not acknowledge your wedding more than not getting a gift. I also understand that several of the guests in question are very close to you. Are you sure that finacial circumstances did not prevent them from being able to offer a gift? I know you said that you would have been satisfied with just a card, but have you ever been comfortable just sending a card with nothing in it? Maybe they were just so embarrassed that they could not offer anything that they thought if they just ignored it, they could slip by.

Of course, there are those people who are just that rude who think that if they don't attend the shower or the reception that acknowledgement of the event is not required. In that case, consider the source and take the higher road and accept their social ingorance.

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 7:26 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

My daughter only had a couple of no RSVP's for our side of the family. My DH's younger brother and his wife didn't come. We expected they wouldn't come because we didn't have children at the reception and they don't go anywhere without their's. They didn't even send a card. They were married 10 or so years ago by a JP and no one but my mil was invited. One sister went because my mil needed a ride. We sent them $100.00 and they couldn't even acknowledge with a card that their niece had gotten married. My BIL works occasionally for my husband so we do see these people. It will be interesting at Christmas. They will be there and so will the wedding pictures and all the rest of the DH's family that attended the wedding. My DH also has an older brother that we hardly ever see. They live in another state and have many children in many other states. This couple sent a shower gift and wedding gift. The other sil lives 10 miles from where the shower was and didn't attend shower or send a gift.  

There were also friends of my DH and I that we invited to the wedding. They RSVP'd yes. My husband just happened to be talking to the guy about a week before the wedding and before they ended the talk my husband said well we'll see you in about a week. The guy said oh, about that we can't make it. No gift or card from them either!

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I think people should at least send a card or a personal hand-written note if they are unable to give you a gift.  To me, it's just a way of wishing the couple a lifetime of happiness.  I had a few very close friends that gave us NOTHING.  I kept good records of who gave us what and those that gave nothing will get the same in return.  No card, no gift, nothing.  Just me showing up to eat and drink for free.  I guess I am just a little spitful in that way.

 

However, we got married June 24th of this year.  One of my husband's great aunts misplaced our wedding invitation, just found it, and sent a card and a check just 2-3 weeks ago.  So, some people just forget and misplace stuff.  So, you might still get a few cards and gifts from people after the wedding.  I know they say people have up to a year to send a gift, but I think if someone sends me one a year after I have been married I will not bother to send them a "thank you" card.  It's sort of rude & tacky IMO to wait so long. 

 

One of my friends from California said a year before I was married "my gift to you is going to be me coming to your wedding".  WTF?  Who says that to someone?  AND, she didn't even get us a freaking card!  Thanks a lot you Bi$%h!!!  Those that did not even give us a card didn't get a picture of us from our wedding.  Seriously, if someone can't give me something to wish me a liftime of happiness with my husband, forget you!  Life is too short to surround myself with tacky people!

 

My husband and I ALWAYS send a gift to weddings we are invited to...even if we can not attend.  It's just the polite thing to do.  Or, at least send a card if nothing else (but I would never just send a card, I would at least stick $20 inside). 


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Guest
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

In general, people who don't give even a card make my blood boil. However, I would cut your two friends with new babies some slack.  It is completely overwhelming to have a new baby, especially if you are a first time mom.

 

However, I don't disagree with your decision about stopping sending gifts to people who do not give gifts to you. People can talk til they're blue in the face about how we SHOULD give gifts out of a feeling of generosity, but let's be honest. In our society, there is an implicit quid pro quo of gift giving -- I give to you, you give to me. IMO, therefore, if someone does not give me a gift, I assume that they naturally do not except one in return. After all, I'm giving them the benefit of assuming that they are not so greedy and self-absorbed as to expect that they can forget to acknowledge important moments in others' lives and yet be remembered themselves.

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 1:20 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

This is kind of on the same subject (it has to do with gifts) and not sending them. I have stopped sending money to my nieces and nephews and also my DH nieces and nephews for bdays because we NEVER receive thank you notes from them. I still send them cards but no money. I often wonder what they say about me because I don't. Do I really care? no....and if they ever ask I'll be honest and tell them. Yes, I know this is my sibling's and husband's sibling's fault for not making the kids write a thank you note, but it drives me crazy! My kids wrote notes (drew pics, I wrote) from the time they were very small. I have a friend that I don't see very often but I always send her daughter $ for her bday and one reason I continue to is because she always writes a thank you note.  

I really don't know why I felt the need to share that, maybe just venting....lol 

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Guest
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: LizS

LMAO!!!! You are so funny!  It really is sad!  My Fh and I went to a wedding in Chicago over the summer.  We had to travel to the wedding, get a hotel and still managed to through a very large gift of money in an envelope fro them.  We were walking out to our rental car and one of my FH frat friends (now a 4th year med student) and his FW (the daughter of a top chicago lawyer) asked if they could ride with us.  When we were driving my FH asked them how much they were giving them (he wanted to make sure we were not giving too little).  They BOTH, at the same time said, a gift, we didnt know we were supposed to give a gift.  Fh and I looked at each other and we both said out loud  WTF, of course you give a gift.  FH made a stop at a drug store so they could get a card.  Neither of them had too much cash on them, so they through $15 wrinkled up dollars in the card.  We were so shocked, esp. because of their family background.  We did not end up putting them on our guest list, not because of the gift, but it was the way they thought about it, a trip to Chicago and free eating and drinking for two days.  Not cool!  I like the idea of keeping track of what people gave, I am going to do that!

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nicolesybrant Posts : 1,359 Registered: 10/4/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 2:51 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

Ok, I don't know much about wedding present ettiquite but i do know that I expect at least a card or a written note from everyone we invite, whether they come or not.  Beyond that, I don't know.  I can't see being upset because we didn't get a gift or money from someone.  I know that it doesn't take much work to throw a check into an envelope but people are busy and sometimes money is tight... I dont know, thats just me.

 

I think bringing it up to them by dropping hints is kinda akward.  I'm sure they know that they didn't send you a card or anything else... just tell them you wished they could have been there to celebrate! 

 

I know, I have always been a big card person...if i find a cute card for someone i buy it..it doesnt matter if their birthday is coming up or not... I have a box of cute cards so if something comes up, I can pull out the box! 

 

Sorry didnt mean to offend anyone...just my two cents!


Nicole, Future wife to Aaron

 

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 5:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

OMG, I can't believe they didn't have enough ettiquette to know they should at LEAST get them a card!  Wow, maybe people are more clueless than I originally thought!!!

 

And, I too thought more people would at least give us a card.  But the sad truth is that many did not.  Another couple (the man is friends with mu husband) were invited to our wedding & RSVR'd they were coming.  Well, I guess they changed their mind at the last minute & didn't even call my husband to tell him they weren't coming any more.  RUDE!  Anyways, they did not send a card, gift, etc.  So, when they got married 3 months later, they got a card and a $20 gift, which my husband said I HAD to get for them so we were not as tacky as they were.  It was against my own will and more money than I cared to spend on them.  I will not be as nice to my "friends" that stiffed us!  LOL!


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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 11, 2006 6:30 PM Go to message in response to: LizS

June242006, I think sending them $20 was a great idea.  I don't know if everyone is like me but I would normally give $100 as a wedding gift so giving someone a $20 gift would definitely send a message.  In my case every single person is aware of the etiquette so for those who did not send anything I really think it is mostly that they just forgot to send something or thought they sent it but didn't.  However, my mom just told me something that surprised me.  The aunt and uncle (my dad's brother) that didn't send anything for the wedding or shower (and didn't go to either) are usually very up on their gift giving and are the first ones to send birthday cards, anniversary cards (I don't even send my parents an anniversary card unless it is a milestone!), and Christmas cards (we just got ours and it was our second) so it is hard to believe they overlooked me twice, especially since I just visited them over Thanksgiving and brought my wedding pictures.  She said that a couple of years ago when I was very, very sick (same illness as now, I had a couple of years where I was feeling OK but it is back) and in that time she stopped sending birthday gifts to their kids who were in their teens and early 20's unless they were invited to a birthday party.  It was just too much and it wasn't like they were sending birthday gifts to my brother and me (in our mid-20's at the time).  My aunt never said anything about it but my mom thinks that she might be upset because of that.  Very weird since birthdays are not even close to being on the same par as weddings, you know?  I also came up with one other possible explanation.  My aunt and uncle got married 7 or 8 years ago (second marriage for both).  I can't remember if I was invited to their wedding but I know I didn't go.  I was living in FL at the time and working at Disney World living in my own apartment and making about $8.50 per hour.  I had NO money to come home more than once a year in the summer and no money for big wedding gifts at the time.  I can't remember if I sent them a wedding gift.  My mom thinks I must have because she knows she would have told me to do it even if it was small and I tend to agree but since neither of us can remember for sure I wonder if maybe I never sent one and THAT is why they didn't send me so much as a card.  My family and friends are usually so cool and understanding so this is really bugging me.  I hate to think that I may have done something to offend someone and not have realized it.  Another poster said to hint about it and I DEFINITELY could never do that so unless they say something to me or someone who tells me I will never know...

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Dec 12, 2006 7:10 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Reading through these posts has reminded me of a couple of times that I have been rude unintentionally. When my Dad got re-married when I was 16, I didn't get him a card or a present. I had no clue about wedding etiquette and that I should have gotten something. He was pretty mad at my brothers and I, but I honestly didn't know the etiquette.

Also when I was  a bridesmaid for my friend a couple of weeks after I had a baby, I didn't get anything for her either. I literally had no money for a present. I bought a card and then didn't end up giving it to her because I felt so pathetic just giving a card and nothing else. Now that I look back I should have given her the card on the day and then sent her a present a bit later on when I could afford to. I didn't know about the one year present rule so I assumed it was already too late to send one. Point being some people (like me, LOL) are sometimes just clueless about etiquette and don't really mean to be rude. They were rude but they have just had a baby and that can mess you up for a while, financially and otherwise. I'm sure it was totally unintentional.

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