Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Guest
Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 20, 2006 11:34 PM

I dont know what to do.  Well to start things off, my mom and dad are paying for our reception and I really appreciate it but they think that they can decide who can come to mywedding and who cant.  My mom was even talking about inviting some of her high school friends and my dad is inviting people that he works with  that I have never even met.  I am so stressed out.  I can only invite about 225 and my mom's list is about 180.  I had to make her cut it down but I am still dealing with her telling me that she is paying for it and she can invite who she wants.  HELP WHAT CAN I DO?!?!?!?!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, if she's the type who can be talked to, you can negotiate. If she's not able to listen to reason, then you can: [1] elope; [2] refuse they money and pay for your own wedding; [3] do it her way. By the way, sometimes the threat to call the whole thing off and just run off to Vegas is enough to make overbearing Moms back off--some of them realize that they'll be totally deprived of "their" wedding fantasy if they push too hard.

But, if she won't back off and if you are going through premarital counseling, especially if you are being married by a clergy person or someone else that she knows and admires, perhaps you can go in for a couple of sessions with this person (one would hope that someone who's not in the middle of things can appear to be neutral, but talk some sense into her). Or, you can find your own counselor and try to get Mom to go with you to talk things our with an uninvolved third party.

Good luck. These situations are hell!

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Both of our mother's invited people who they were really close to and FH and I both don't know them. I thought it was kind of strange too and some of them even came to my shower...I made everyone wear nametags, could you imagine opening a gift and not knowing who to thank!! Your number of 180, is that just your side/moms list and not even including your FH's? High school friends and coworkers are a little much for them to invite, you guys probably won't even invite some of your coworkers. Is your number of 225 because of size restrictions or money? I guess I don't really have great advice other than sit her down and tell her how this is not the way you want your wedding to go, and if she can't understand that then she can not play as large of a part in planning it!! Good luck

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Guest
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 8:35 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

The 180 is just my/my mom's side.  The reason I can only invite 225 is because of size restriction.  But you also have to take into consideration of my large wedding party.  Another reason my mom is making things so hard is because she is angry that my FFIL is not helping with anything.  She has often said that she wants to make him pay for his family to come because it isnt fair for her to pay.

Dont get me wrong, I wouldnt mind having these people come to my wedding but there is only so much room.  Everytime I try to talk to my mom about the guestlist she tells me that she doesnt want to deal with it.  AHHHHHHHHHHH 

Oh and get this, my dad and mom try to talk me and my FH into eloping so that they dont have to worry about things.  I wish that I could pay for my reception but I have to pay for everything else and I just cant afford it.  My mom is very extravagant, so she even ordered 2 ice sculptures and everything...I cant afford that!!!!!! 

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Guest
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 8:51 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

To be honest I think you only really have two options - you either pay yourself (if you don't have enough money you need to postpone it and keep saving) or you let your mom pay and do it her way, hoping that she lets you have a little input. She who pays the piper calls the tune and all that... I think it might be best to wait another while and get married later, on your own terms, using your own money. Good luck!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dear Vikki,

What can you do? Pay for it yourself and invite whom you like. So long as your parents are paying for it, they have every right to invite whom they like.

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Guest
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 21, 2006 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yikes, it's awful that your mom is being so overbearing. Can you try talking to her and explaining that everyone should get equal numbers of people? So she & your dad get 1/3, you and your FH get 1/3 and your FIL's get 1/3? This way everyone gets equal amounts of invites. It's incredibly tacky of your mom to use up 180 of the invites in order to make your FIL's "pay" for their guests---does she realize that she's hurting you in the process? If she really can't be reasoned with I'd suggest planning a fabulous destination wedding somewhere and just invite your parents & close friends. Maybe she will back off if you let her know how upset you really are and stick to your guns.

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SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 22, 2006 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Paying fot it yourself does not mean that you have to pay for the wedding that your mom planned. You can have whatever you want that fits into your budget. 

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H4M Posts : 49 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 23, 2006 5:36 PM Go to message in response to: SeasideBride06

Def. have a chat to your mom. Tell her that it is YOUR and your FH's day - not hers... tell her that you are grateful for the money she has offered and understand that she want some of her friends there, but remind her that you do not want to be surrounded by strangers... I strongly disagree that because someone is helping you pay for your wedding that you have to invite whoever the hell they want.

Just reach a compromise

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Guest
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 23, 2006 10:26 PM Go to message in response to: H4M

Those who pay have a say...talk one more time with mom, if that doesn't work pay for your wedding yourself and invite who you want.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 24, 2006 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: H4M

Dear H4M,

"I strongly disagree that because someone is helping you pay for your wedding that you have to invite whoever the hell they want."

I absolutely disagree. My money gets spent the way I want to spend it. You can spend your money the way you want to spend it.

No one is entitled to something funded by someone else.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 24, 2006 9:59 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

This is not an either/or, black/white situation. Certainly parents who spend big bucks on a wedding should have some say in the planning. But I think it's awful to stage manage every detail and to force a bride and groom into a wedding they don't want just because, as a parent, you're contributing to or paying for the entire wedding.

Hasn't anybody ever heard of meeting each other half way?!

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 24, 2006 10:37 PM Go to message in response to: myra

myra, I definitely agree with you. I also know that we both have daughters and seem to have the same type of attitude/opinion on many things. That could be because we've been thru this before on both sides as both the daughter and mother.

auntofthebride, I hope you are a little more understanding to your own daughter, if you should have one.

 

Sure I paid for the majority of my daughter and son in laws wedding and reception. I also realized it was THEIR day.

 

I guess, unfortunately, many mom's like to continue to have a hold on their children long after the bottle and diaper stage. 

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tanalynn Posts : 491 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 24, 2006 11:48 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

Auntofthebride, I think that helping them pay for their wedding is a gift and if you are gonna give a gift then you can't dictate everything 

Tana & Mark

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: Help, my mom is trying to take over my wedding guestlist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: Nov 25, 2006 2:54 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

 "I absolutely disagree. My money gets spent the way I want to spend it. You can spend your money the way you want to spend it."

That sounds just exactly like something my grandma thinks - she buys me gifts that SHE WANTS ME TO HAVE - regardless of what I LIKE!!!!!!

How rude is that?? Not to consider the feelings and wants and needs of the person you are buying the gift FOR????

 

IT IS A GIFT

 

IT IS NOT FOR YOU!!!!!!

 What IS the point if they are not gong like it or are caused upset because of the "stipulations"  that are included - like it is a loan agreement that they must comply with - not a loving sentiment to send their daughter off into a whole new lifetime of experiences.

Why are you giving a gift at all? You may as well just throw a big @$$ party for yourselves, invite every single one of your friends/aquaintances, and be done with it! What does any of that have to do with the bride and groom and the beginning celebration of their life together, and the people THEY want to share it with??? Do they care about the friend of a mom's co-worker's sister??? Please!I amazed at people sometimes. Money ( be it yours, mine or ours) is almost never spent the way we want it - HA! It goes to bills - and everything else BUT what we want! 

Case in point - I am buying an x-box ( his was broken) and accesories for my future step-son's birthday - I don't care for video games and have never purchased anything connected with them but for 2 games for FH in the past year. That is not where I want to be spending my money right now - I have deposits for vendors I am trying to take care of, but I am happy that I will be getting him what he wants, and needs ( he is sixteen in a rural area across the country from his dad and hates his new step-father - he needs these games). My wants and needs will have to wait for another day.  

I would insist that eveything be fairly cut into thirds - that way, no one can realistically complain.Try some counseling ( maybe your officiant/pastor?) between you and mom - discuss your expectations in front of a disinterested party, surely they will recommend a fair, 1/3 split. If all else fails, plan a little DW for the two of you and have a great big party when you get home from a fabulous honeymoon.

Mom's can get crazy sometimes - I think it's because children drive them insane in the first place. Maybe she is just so caught up in things, she cannot see she is hurting you. I think it's hard to be a  good mom. I am worried about being a good step-mom. 

I have to say - at least Grandma is learning ( a little )- this year, for my birthday, I got a fabulous robe I wear everyday - I do love it ( so does she, AND my aunt effie! They have the same thing in  different colors - LOL)

 

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