My fiance and I have been long distance for a few years now. We're both in university, so we're waiting to get married when school is over (next summer). Of course, we see each other whenever we can and for as long as we can. We've started to plan the wedding because we know we won't have time senior year, since we're both in very rigorous programs. Essentially, we're trying to get as much as possible done this summer. I asked him to marry me in December 2004, and we immediately picked the date. Our wedding has been a sure thing, we've been planning for it, ever since. However. . .
My brother introduced Whit (fiance) and I, and the three of us are extremely close. My brother and Whit go to the same school, and before I went away to study, the three of us and a group of other very close friends all lived together. Except for the last few months, when he went to study in England to be closer to me while I moved to Paris for a year, Whit has lived with all of those people. They're our best friends.
My dad wrote me an email when he went to see my brother at graduation. He said that my brother especially, and our friends, we very surprised when he told them that Whit and I would be getting married the next summer. He said "they seemed to expect something more countercultural of you." That doesn't surprise me--we're all very particular people, and countercultural, at least to a certain degree, is a way to describe all of us. What DOES surprise me is that they hadn't been told before. Whit always responded very obliquely when I asked what our friends thought about us getting married--if they were excited, etc.but I assumed it was only because it was obvious that Whit and I would eventually get married. As "countercultural" as everyone in that scene claims to be, there isn't one of us that isn't also a hopeless romantic, and Whit and I have been by far the most hopeless, in that area.
But, now I ask myself, why didn't he tell them at all? And why did he make it appear to me that he had told them? Is he embarrassed? Is he doubtful about the legitimacy of it that is, does he see our marriage as entering into an institution rather than a promise?
Honestly, I'm really incredibly hurt. When Whit is excited about something, he talks about it. So why didn't he talk about it.
I know I could be overreacting, it could still be some weird missunderstanding, but I admit I'm a little disturbed by it.
Anyway, I think I just needed to say that. So that I can talk to my fiance calmly about that, rather than blowing my top off.
Could it be that these people were expressing the surprise they felt when originally told by Whit, to your Dad later on? Or did your Dad say that they didn'y know about it all?
I have several friends that I've told several times about the engagement. Every time they seem totally surprised. These are mostly guys. Or they knew we were engaged, but are surprised when we tell them more about our plans (big wedding, more conventional than they expect from my FH).
It's great that you are venting here and not at Whit, so you won't blow your top off with him. Let us know ho wit goes.
I think I would be hurt that he hasn't told anyone... Did he tell you that he has told everyone? Because if that's the case then I would be angry that he lied to me, and I'd want to know why he found it necessary to lie in the first place. The only way you're going to get any answers is by talking to him.. Good luck!!
Perhaps it is just because it doesn't feel "real" to him yet- you are apart, the wedding isn't for another year+, etc. Does he see these people on a regular basis or is it long distance? If it is long distance, he might just prefer to tell people in person stuff like that. Or is waiting until the two of you can tell everyone together. You just need to talk to him. Guys are embarassed by that sort of stuff too.
I just noticed that you wrote that ," you asked him to marry you" Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, but do you think that maybe he's embarassed because he didn't ask you? Or that he doesn't want to tell people that you asked him because the norm in society is for the man to ask?
My husband took like 4 days to tell his family we were engaged (which was almost one year ago!), and I complained. He didn't even make it a point to call his friends and tell them. He just waited until he saw or talked to them. I called or e-mailed all my close friends right away. Men are just like that sometimes. With my hubby, there was no real reason for it. Within 2 weeks, I'd say everyone pretty much knew. Our wedding date was also 6 months away, not 2+ years like yours was when you got engaged. It might just be that it's so far away that he feels weird telling people about it. I know my hubby didn't want to get engaged until we knew we would be able to have the wedding soon. Another possibility is that he is a bit embarrased because you asked him to marry you instead of vice versa. Oftentimes that is an ego thing for guys.
First off I want to say that is pretty awesome you took initiative yourself and proposed. I see that happening more and more everyday. Don't assume anything, by far that is the worst thing you can do. Ask him simply if he told them and if he didn't ask why. I wouldn't make a commotion out of something if it can be explained away simply. I am sure there is nothing there!
Update--We talked. And now he's shouting it from the rooftops. I don't think it was so much embarrassment over the fact that I asked him (Whit's not embarrassed by that sort of thing), but that (as it was suggested) it all felt a little too far away to go celebrating, especially when I wasn't there to do it with him. And, as for my brother--similar case. He knew it was going to happen, but when my dad came home and said, "we're planning the wedding," it was all of a sudden very real.
So, I overreacted. Well, given the misunderstanding, my hurt was justified, but I would have looked like a FOOL if I'd gone and jumped down is throat. Glad I didn't. And now he's being awfully cute about the whole thing, telling people he hasn't seen in years, and so on.
Thanks so much for your advice! I really appreciate it.