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please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???

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please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 1:29 PM; My fh and i went out to a friends party over the weekend. he forgot his phone in my purse. i know this is awful of me to do this, but the next day, out of curiosity, i looked thru his phone. mind you i have never been a jealous girlfriend and i am very open and sharing. he is a bit of a flirt and i love him and this doesnt usually bother me. in fact, i dont have a problem with him looking at other woman and i find pornography a valid forum. i have even suggested that he share this with me as a form of foreplay.

now he went for his bachelor party in vegas the other month. in his phone were texts from a girl he met on vaca. her number is still programmed in his phone. in one text she says she'll send him something via email but to make sure he didnt open it in front of me and asked if i was a jealous person. he also had pictures of womens body parts in his phone, like a picture of a girls back side on the elliptical. that to me is such an invasion of privacy it made me physically ill.

i never thought i'd have any doubts about him. i love him immensely, and i myself have not been perfect. i have 1.5 months until our wedding and right now feel like i dont know who he is. i really wasnt prepared for what i found. then again i think maybe i am over reacting. the text never suggested he had cheated and i do like and trust the guys he went with. maybe they all went out to a bar one night and the girl was sending my fh group shots and was afraid i would be jealous if i saw them (fh did tell me he hung out with a bunch of girls who were a lot of fun in vegas)
so he never kept it secret. i am just so confused. i feel like i cant talk to him about it, but i shouldnt have been snooping in the first place. but i feel like he needs to know that while i am cool being the non jealous type of wife, i still demand respect.

i would love advice.

july_2006

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; You need to talk to him. No, you shouldn't have been snooping but you did, and what you found upset you. Therefore, you need to say something. If you don't it's gonna get worse, you will go second guessing everything. Now, since you did find a message from the girl telling him not to open it in front of you. There is a reason that she said it, the question is why. If the two of you are going to get married and spend the rest of your lives together there should be NOTHING that he can't share with you. I totally agree that you need respect and he shouldn't be doing anyhting to disrespect you, but at the same time you did disrespect him by checking his phone. I know first hand I'm guilty as well, I have to admit I've checked the cell phone a time or two. Again, very disrespectful. Most importantly you need to talk to him.
Jen

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; Hmmm... This is a tough one. As you know, you probably shouldn't have been snooping. I'd feel kind of weird if my FH were going through my phone, although I don't have anything in their to hide. Because of the way you found out, that makes it more difficult to talk to him about it.

As to the pictures of the women's body parts, are they pictures he and his buddies sent to each other? Did they come from the internet, or are they actual pictures someone took? Did he send them, or were they sent to him? If so, were they sent to him by guys or girls? I know some of my FH's friends might send pictures of body parts to each other because they think it's funny. (Usually, however, it's pictures of their own body parts because they are trying to gross each other out, and it's usually only when they've been out drinking). If he did actually take a picture of some random girl's rear end at the gym, I would feel weird about that, too, because it would feel like he was invading someone else's privacy, like a Peeping Tom or something.

As for the girl from Vegas, that's a tougher issue. He might have done nothing to encourage her to send the message, and, as you said, it might just be a group picture in which he is standing next to her or something. He may never even have given her his number--one of his friends might have given it to her. Some girls enjoy trying to cause drama for guys and if they can cause a problem in an engagement or a marriage, it makes them feel pretty or sexy or something like that.

The only way to know the answer is to admit to your FH that you were snooping and ask him. If you do, I wouldn't be too accusatory in tone, because you don't know all the facts yet.

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; You HAVE to ask him what's going on. Yes, you were wrong for snooping, but so what. Don't think for one minute that if you left your phone laying around, your fh wouldn't sneak a peek. You found something that made you feel uncomfortable, so you have every right to ask about it. If you don't, you will be miserable.
It may be innocent, it may not, but either way, you have to get it off your chest.

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Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; I have been in a similar situation - snooping when I shouldn't have but found something I was so pissed about so I was kind of glad I snooped! This was over a year and a half ago, and I was snooping through FH's email, and I found an email to his ex gf (who is a total wench and a half) that he sent to her in April, about 2 months after he and I started dating. The email basically said he was a jerk in their relationship and that she was right all along and he was sorry and that HE LOVED HER!!!!!!!!! Now I found this email in September, so it was really hard for me to discern if I should care at all. There were no emails after that, so I think that maybe he just needed closure. I told FH I found it, he got upset at me for snooping (and rightly so) but the far more important and larger issue at hand was his apparent betrayal during the first few months of us dating.
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Now, in your situation, you are marrying this man, and you deserve to know the truth. You need to say "honey, I am very ashamed that I snooped in your phone and you know I'm not normally jealous, but for some reason I just felt compelled to look and I found something I am not happy about and I need you to tell me the truth". He'll probably get mad at you for snooping, but do not let him off the hook about this girl and the pictures. If I found something like that in my FH's phone, I would demand an explanation. Shoot I might have even called the girl... who knows.
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So my point is - get the truth out of him and don't let him turn the situation around on you. If he can tell you the truth and show you what this girl sent in an email, then you know you can trust him. If he refuses to talk about it, then maybe you should reconsider, as awful as that sounds to think about :(

Message was edited by MichBride on May 15, 2006 2:33 PM

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; omg my ticker works! lol....

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; I agree with the other posters in that you have to confront him. It's kind of hard for me to relate because everything is an open book between my FH and me whether it's our email accounts, my purse, his wallet, our phones, whatever. I wouldn't keep something on my phone that would hurt my FH, and I expect the same from him. So I don't think the snooping is as big a deal as the other girls, because like I said, my FH and I share everything. Of course, that's us, and we've always been this way. Enough about me. If I were you I would be more worried about the gym pics, bc that just seems weird to me. Of course, like the other poster said, it could have been sent to him. This other girl leaving him messages could just be trying to make trouble. But you need to find out one way or the other.

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; Here's what you have to ask yourself. What do you want to happen? Where are your boundaries and does he know them? What are your deal breakers? He can look at porn but would it be okay if he watched porn for 5 hours a day? He can go to strip clubs but what if he is going on almost every weekend and it interferes with your time together? He can flirt with other girls but... calling? emailing? sex via IM? Where's the line? So, in essence I think before you enter this conversation you should know and be clear about what you want/ are willing to deal with. "Okay, I am fine with the porn but no more than 3 hours a week, it cannot in any way disrupt our lives, not at work, you have to watch with me, can only go to strip clubs with me, no sex IMing, no sex pictures from "real" people...." You know- whatever you decide. I personally think that when you add a "real" person into the porn...girls at the gym....girls in vegas...That seems to me to be moving towards other things.

The second issue here is that you snooped through his phone and you have to address that upfront. The thing you need to avoid is turning this talk into a fight about you snooping in his phone. So you need to defuse that bomb before you start the talk that you really want to have. You could have a separate conversation or talk about it first. You don't want your concerns about this other girl, or the gym butts to get turned around into a talk about your snooping. You have some real concerns here that will make him very defensive and you have to recognize this and not get wrapped up in it.

So in short, 1) know your position, 2) discuss your concerns while being very clear about what you want- also encourage him to express what he wants with regards to the partying, girls, porn etc...3)discuss your snooping seriously but don't let it derail you from talking about your real concerns.

Tread carefully because marriage tends to make boys feel like they are loosing freedom (maybe a particular point because of the snooping) but I think that as you have described your relationship, you guys are pretty open and honest with eachother...this conversation should strengthen that. Good luck!

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 7:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; You need to sit down with him and show him what you've seen on his phone and talk about it. And honestly, I don't think you were snooping. I go through my FH's phone all the time just to see what pictures he has because a lot of the time he'll take a picture of something he wanted to send me and forgets. And he never has a problem with it because he knows he has nothing to hide. He does the same with me and it doesn't bother me because I have nothing to hide.
If he comes back at you with a hostel tone, you need to ask him why. Because if a man loves a woman and she looks through his phone and sees something that she thinks is shifty, but turns out to be innocent, then he should never react in this way.
I hope things work out. Proceed with caution!

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NatSeptBride Posts : 889 Registered: 3/28/06

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 8:10 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; Definately talk to him.. All of us at some point or another get this incredible urge to snoop... It's not necessarily out of distrust as it is more curiousity in most cases. You have to assume that for some reason you were meant to look at that phone otherwise you wouldn't of. Anyway I would sit down and discuss this with him, tell him what you found, infact I think I would actually ask to see his phone and show it to him so he can't deny it being there and delete it. Although it's hard I wouldn't jump to conclusions, but this is something that needs to be out in the open before your wedding. Don't accuse him, just ask him what it is, and if he'd mind explaining it to you, and ask him if he were in your shoes, what he would of made of the same circumstances if the shoe were on the other foot and he had found that stuff on your phone. I definately agree that if he gets defensive about it, you should seek more reasoning because typically people don't get defensive unless they have something to hide. Anyway good luck to you, and let us know what happens!!

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 15, 2006 8:57 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; I don't look in FHs phone...but if I wanted to he'd be okay with that. I would need to know what everything meant, and I would expect him to be forthcoming. If I were you I would...Be honest. Tell him you looked through his phone, be prepared to deal with invasion of privacy issues if he feels that it was one. Do not, however, let that issue take precedence. Tell him you want him to fill in the blanks. Tell him you need to see that email. Tell him you need him to explain how certain pictures got there, who took them, and in the case of the elliptical trainer...whether or not he had that woman's permission (this would be a big issue for me regardless of what went on...how would he feel if someone took that picture of you???). Ask him why he still has that woman's number, what was the nature of their relationship. Ask him any and everything you need to ask him until you feel satisfied. If he has done nothing wrong he'll be honest and maybe none of this is as bad as it looks. Be prepared for it to be that bad. Whatever the case, I don't think looking the other way is an option.

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 16, 2006 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; i agree with Deanna and everyone else. You can't look away from this! Yes you were wrong for snooping but, ok why would he have pictures of girls on his phone? Sent to him ok, but by whom? if he took the picture thats an even bigger problem b/c he's obviously looking, and if he's looking at this stage of your relationship, It sounds like he's not ready to settle down. And in reguards to the vegas girl... if he's a natual flirt and its his bachelor party... my feeling is something would happen if he found a willing girl. but ok, what happens in vegas dosn't always stay in vegas... if they are still in contact that is a propble (other then the fact that something happened with her) B/c like some of the other posters said, how far is it going to go? And i just want to add, we all snoop, thats just our nature! And you do have a right to! you are planning on sharing everything right? So what does it matter whats on his cell phone that should be so private?
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BB84 Posts : 389 Registered: 3/31/06

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 16, 2006 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; I definitely don't think you are in the wrong for looking through you FH's phone. I looke through people's phones all the time...friends, family, FH (they don't mine and they do the same to me).......just because people often have interesting pics and stuff on there. So definitely don't let the issue get turned around on you, you are clearly not some jealous snooper. You definitely have to talk to him....and an above poster had great advice when she said you should go in knowing your boundaries and making them clear. I alo agree that if he gets super defensive that is a bad sign, but it doesn't necessarily indicate doom....I think a lot of guys would feel trapped in that sitch even if they really did nothing wrong. Anyway, talk until you feel satisfied, and good luck girl. Let us know what happens.

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 16, 2006 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; Hey - I'm just wondering where you are! I hope you guys didn't get in a huge fight or anything :( Come back and read our advice soon and let us know what happens!!! :)

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Guest

Re: please advise. what to do??? do i go through with it???: Posted: May 16, 2006 4:12 PM Go to message in response to: Guest; Let us know what happens!!

But until then, here's my advice...you need to confront him. A few months after my FH and I started dating, I was doing some homework on his computer and I was saving things to his My Docs. I found some porn and typial guy stuff on his computer. I was enraged, mostly becuase we had already had a talk about his playboy magazines that he had stacked in a corner. (I'm not against porn or anything...I also find it a valid forum within reason.) I also felt like I suddenly had no idea who this man was I was sharing my life with. I confronted him about it, we talked it out, and worked things out. You cannot just move on from this and let it go without confront it. Ask questions, be nosy...you have a right to be!!!! You are his soon to be WIFE!!!! WHen you decide to share your life together, you need to actually share your life. Good luck honey, and be strong.