OT - Sex

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 2:08 PM

Okay, I posted this on another message board, and all I got were responses like "Sex with my future husband is SOOO amazing" or "Maybe you're not with the right person" so please avoid responses like that...please?

I have no sex drive.  When I've had sex in the past, it's sucked completey.  With my fiance, I can at least enjoy it something.  But no sex, or sexual acts really make me climax anymore, or even "get into it".  I'm on antidepressants, and I'm guessing that could cause it, but I'm basically wondering if anyone else had/has the same problem. I'm bummed about this, which is why it didn't help to get responses of "Sex is SO great for me".  Like...how is that supposed to help.

Sigh.  What bothers me most is that because of this, I'm obviuosly not into "jumping" FH very often...he doesn't complain, but it's sure it must suck.

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Guest
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think it could be the anti-depressants and the stress of planning a wedding all mixed together. I would talk to my doctor and see if what he thinks. Maybe there is a different anti depressant that doesn't have that side effect, if thats whats doing it.

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Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think for me a major part of it is, how do I feel about myself?  If I feel a little heavy, well then I don't feel very sexy.  Or if I am having a bad skin week or something.  I think exercise helps a lot too- besides just getting in better shape, it also gets the endorphins or whatever rushing.

Megan

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Ooh, that's a good point...maybe I need to buy some sexy lingerie...

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Guest
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Sorry you weren't getting better responses before. Definitely could be the anti-depressants - you could talk to your Dr. about that as one of the side effects & maybe they could try to find something else that could work but not put a damper on your drive quite as much.

Also, never really having had "great" sex in the past could be a big factor, too. Unfortunately, it is completely different for women. Your FH sounds like he's very understanding - he's not complaining & he loves you & you're geting married!!

My FH & I aren't doing it like bunnies either - diff reasons but my point is - don't worry & don't listen to what others are doing - it'll only drive you crazy. When I start to get bummed I kwow that the most important thing is that I am marrying the man that I can't WAIT to get home every night! He is wonderful & we have such a great time together. And you know what, we both go through our phases of different levels of desire - but we love each other & there is constant affection & tenderness.

Have you ever tried maybe trying to kick things up a notch? Maybe even just going through the motions every week or every two weeks? Since you've never really had any great sexual experiences - find out what works for you - it could take time - be patient! If you are both sensitive to each others needs and take this on together - you could find that what you are going through now will change - you may even end up having some great experiences!

Good luck!



Message was edited by Sept0906 on May 5, 2006 2:36 PM

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Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

The pills are probably part of it, as well as whatever is off that causes the depression.  Never having had mind-blowing sex is probably another big part.  I know I really didn't like sex at all, until one really good time.  Once sex becomes really enjoyable for you, the drive will probably take care of itself.  Have you tried kegel exercises?  Just doing them is sort of stimulating.  

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Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I had the same issue when I took effexor (no climax or interest at all).  I changed to lexipro, and my libido approved dramatically.  So definitely don't go off your meds (your doctor is prescribing them to you for a reason) but discuss the side effects and ask for a change in medication.

Good luck!

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 6:19 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Okay, anyone making you feel insecure about your relationship is just ignorant. The majority of women have problems with sex and no wonder why. Look at how the world makes us feel about our bodies, look at how many women get molested or sexually harassed and equate sex with shame. But most usually, it's stress that gets in the way of women's sex drives. I'll bet if you two go on vacation, you will be fine. But if not, don't worry too much. This is something that you can seek therapy for and work on it together. Not a bad thing to have to practice, right?

And to put this in another context, it's only in recent times that women are expected to enjoy sex. Sadly, most women who were born into the planet earth over the course of the world's history certainly didn't and weren't expected to enjoy sex. It's a rather new phenomenon. And while this is wonderful that women's sexual needs are being considered by today's society, there is a double edged sword because now we feel like there is something wrong with us if we don't have huge sex drives.

Just some food for thought...

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MrsHopper Posts : 10 Registered: 4/12/06
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 8:40 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Have you talked to your doctor about it?  I'm not asking you to post the answer this this question, but has something truamatic happened in the past that could be causing this?  If your regular doctor doesn't have any answes, maybe check with your OB/GYN or even psychologist.  Hope this helps at all.

I read something a couple weeks ago that mentioned if everytime your man it affectionate towards you it turned into a sexual thing it could turn you off completely. I don't know what the situation is but that could help.


Message was edited by MrsHopper on May 5, 2006 8:43 PM

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Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

There could be a lot of things playing into low libido. Antidepressants are pretty good at lowering libido, as is stress. I assume from your post that you have been able to reach climax at one point or another. This is a good sign! A lot of times going back to square one, "like a virgin", and slowly moving up to sex again over a matter of weeks/months can help to rediscover one's sexuality.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 10:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thank you for the responses.  I was just a little upset on the other board because I felt like I was asking for help, and instead was told basically to leave my fiance!

Nothing traumatic really has happened in the past to affect it, some very very minor sexual harassment, but if anything, that makes me uncomfortable around men who smell like beer! 

I'm only 21, so I guess I feel like having to talk to the doctor about it makes me seem either impatient (isn't our sexual peak supposed to hit at 32?) or like a freak...but what you guys have said makes a lot of sense.  From my understanding, woman have trouble climaxing during intercourse itself unless there's "other" stuff going on...but then I hear people always talking about mind-blowing sex,...hm...maybe some of them are just bs-ing grins

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Guest
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 10:38 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I have the same problem.  The only thing I am on is the pill, but I basically have NO drive...I used to, but for the past year or two, it has been pretty null.  Once we get going, I really enjoy it (though sometimes it still hurts right at first--I am pretty small, and he's not), and my FH is a good lover, so I don't get it.  But for some reason, before we are getting intimate, I don't want to, and if he suggests it, I usually end up finding some excuse not to, or getting annoyed that he is interrupting what I have 'planned' on doing at that time. I hate doing that to him, because I know it makes him feel bad, even though he tries not to let me feel guilty...but I just can't make myself  WANT  to have sex, even though I KNOW I will enjoy it when we are.  Messed up huh?

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 5, 2006 11:21 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Talk to your doctor about adding Wellbutrin to your daily pill regimen.  I was taking Zoloft for treatment for IBS (it changes the way you react to pain) but it made me completely lack any sexual desire so I stopped taking it.   When  my abdominal pain returned with a vengeance I went back to my doctor and she prescribed Cymbalta for the IBS and also gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin as that is a known drug that will counteract the Cymbalta side effects.  I have only been on it for a month but so far I haven't had any sexual side effects.

******************************

I hope nobody will be offended if I get a little graphic so if this may bother you stop reading right now.

***********Still with me?  OK- try havaing sex by candlelight (several candles).  He gets to be turned on by seeing your body and you get the satisfaction of knowing how flattering candlelight is.  Also- lubricant is your best friend.  We use Astroglide and just before he enters me we put a healthy amount on him AND me.  Even if I am extremely turned on I almost always need some extra help to combat dryness.

*********** OK- now I am going to be REALLY graphic: masterbate and/or watch porn.  By masturbating you can discover what really turns you on- breast stimulation, oral, fingering, etc.  Watch the porn (alone or with him) for inspiration.  My FH bought a couple of DVD's so we could try some more positions but we barely got through 10 minutes of it because we were extremely turned on and couldn't wait to try what we just saw!

*********** If none of these suggestions help you I would strongly recommend you talk to your doctor and/or a sex therapist.  Did you previously have a bad sexual experience?  Molestation, rape, etc.?  (I don't expect you to tell us, I just want you to think about it.  If this is the case then you will need counseling to overcome it.

*********** I am sure 99% of women go through some kind of sexual dysfunction (my estimate with no research to back it up of course!) in their lifetime.  Be extremely open and honest with your FH.  Like you, I am sure that the situation does suck.  He will probably be thrilled to see you being proactive about the situation and know that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, and that you won't always be like this.

*********** On a personal note, I have been dealing with a serious illness since September (not fatal, just IBS, a chronic condition that leaves me in moderate to severe pain every single day) and I have very little interest in sex.  I already mentioned my adventures in antidepressants but the biggest thing holding me back from having sex is that it aggravates my pain and I also have some symptoms that are not very ladylike like terrible gas- usually controllable but if I am orgasming I don't have a lot of control in that area.  Since I typically orgasm during oral this presents a problem.  FH and I have been open and honest with each other.  Even though the situation completely sucks he knows that I am doing every single thing I can to get better and that is a huge relief for him.

********** Good luck!

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Guest
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 6, 2006 2:07 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm glad newsjunkie mentioned masturbation. I am way interested in sexual health (I get to talk to people about it all the time as a nurse too!), so I really can get into these kind of discussions and seem like a sex-crazed kinda gal! Anyhow... masturbation is the best way to get to know your own personal sexual response. American culture is so stuffy about sex, especially females masturbating. Of course it's okay to do it, and it's the best way to learn about yourself sexually! You'll figure out what fantasies turn you on, how you like to be touched and where, what you're rhythm is, and how to have amazing sex. Even if you can't climax through intercourse, showing your FH how to make you climax will make him feel so manly. Have fun with it!

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Guest
Re: OT - Sex
Posted: May 6, 2006 2:17 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

the previous girls said it best...talk to you doc about whats going on down there, or rather whats not. they will know best how to help you and its a more common problem than not anymore so try not to  feel embarrassed about it(i know, easier said than done)....they've seen and heard it before.

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