Should I tell him?

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looseygoosey Posts : 122 Registered: 5/2/06
Should I tell him?
Posted: May 2, 2006 5:52 PM

My fiancee and I have been waiting for marriage and I have a big secret.. I have a prosthetic leg. He doesn't know because both went to college in Wisconsin and I have been wearing pants every day that I've known him.

I'm afraid that if I wait till our wedding night he'll be shocked.. but if I tell him now I'm afraid he'll break up with me.

What should I do?

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 2, 2006 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

Absolutely!  You have to tell him!  Please do not wait until your wedding night to tell him or allow him to discover for himself.  It will hurt him deeply that you kept that secret from him for so long.  Your prosthetic leg is a part of you and if he loves you, he will not break up with you over this.  It may hurt initially since you've waited so long to tell him, but it would be wiser to tell him before rather than after. 

Can I ask how long you have been together?  And how did this not ever come up in conversation?  I think you need to just trust that he loves you enough to accept this.  This is a tough situation, but if he loves you, you'll be able to work through this together.  I wish you the best!

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 2, 2006 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

You know you need to tell him.  The fact that you've kept this from him for so long is wrong.  Sorry, I'm not usually this judgmental--but it's just wrong.  He may break up with you, I don't know--if he does, it might not have anything to do with the leg--but with the fact that you lied by omission.  It didn't just "not come up," you chose not to tell him because you didn't want him to be freaked out. 

What on earth were you thinking?  I'd tell him in person, and I'd do it now.  He may be open-minded and he may get over the fact that you've lied by omission--but it's not your right to trick him.  That's just not fair.

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 3, 2006 7:43 AM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

You need to tell him before the wedding. He will be shocked but that is not something he should be shocked with on your wedding night.

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 1:30 AM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

The discovery of a huge lie is not the best way to start a marriage. Waiting to tell him the wedding night is risking an annulment.

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looseygoosey Posts : 122 Registered: 5/2/06
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Let me just clarify that I'm not a terrible person... The story of how I ended up without my leg is a horrible and painful one for me. I don't talk to anybody about it.

I didn't tell him in the beginning because I thought he might think I was a freak or something, but as time passed on, I just couldn't muster up the strength to say "hey, see that leg? it pops off..." you know?

We're getting married in 2 weeks. The thing is, I really do love him but I also really need some better medical insurance, so I'm afraid to tell him because he gets great insurance...

I'm so torn, girls.. help!

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looseygoosey Posts : 122 Registered: 5/2/06
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 12:04 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

I don't think you are a terrible person. I can understand how something like that would be hard to talk about and as time went by it got harder. You need to tell him before the wedding. If you can't how do you expect to be able to talk about other things? Please tell him now. If he really loves you he will accept you for who you are. If he can't it would be better to know before the wedding not on the wedding night. If you really love him you will tell him now and not go into this marriage under false pretense which is what you're doing.

I am confused about your comment on the medical insurance. You really love him but you need better medical insurance and he has it? He is going to find out and it would be better sooner than later.

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 1:19 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

If you're looking for someone to tell you that it's all right not to tell him, I don't think you're going to find that.  I think BridesMom is about as gentle as you're going to get in that department.  Maybe you aren't a terrible person, but what you are doing is terrible.  And f*cked up.

I don't care how painful the story is, (and I'm not asking you to tell it here), you have to tell him.  Does he not know any of your friends?  Does he not talk to your family?  I can't believe no one has told him yet. 

If you don't tell him, you're putting him in a rotten position. Why would you do that to anyone you loved?   Maybe you're thinking that if you wait, he'll get over it, or at the very least, he won't drop you because then he'd look bad for dumping someone with a disability.  Here's another way to look at it:  If he dropped you, he'd be dumping a liar.  That's a different story entirely.  And it doesn't end with everyone thinking he's an awful person for dumping a girl who's missing a leg.  If he doesn't drop you, what you did is still going to take a hell of a toll on his trust for you.

And, yeah, by not telling him, you are risking an annulment.  So, if you're doing it for the insurance, annulment means no insurance.  Furthermore, if you wanna marry someone, even in part, for insurance--he'd better know about it.  I'm gonna say it again:  What you are doing is unfair and wrong.  Fix it.

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aviatrix Posts : 39 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Woah, Fritz that's really harsh. 

I can understand how that would be hard to talk about, but I still say that you need to tell him.  He loves you and wants to marry you right?  Having been in an accident shouldn't change that.

Let him know that you have something important to talk about, and think about how you want to say it ahead of time.

I hope this helps

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: aviatrix

You definately have to tell him, BEFORE the wedding day.  You are going to spend the rest of your life with this man, so if you have any doubts that he will still love you the same because of your leg, then you should really think about the committment you are getting ready to make.

If he dumps you because of your leg, he wasn't the one for you anyway. 

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

I think you should post this in another section, maybe "family, friends, and guests".  You'll get more responses, but I'll be honest, some of them may be cruel.

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 3:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Your profile says you are getting married in june...that is more like 4 weeks away.  You have to tell him...it is wrong not to tell him.  How can someone go through dating you and not notice. Didnt you ever wear shorts? go swimming? feel up on each other? i mean i dont understand how that could go unnoticed.

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: looseygoosey

Like PeachyBride, I'm wondering how long you two have been together? engaged?  Anyway, you'd marry someone to get better insurance, even if you found out later that they don't love you enough to accept you the way you are?  We, most of us here, may not be wearing prostheses, but we all have probably been through difficult events in life or our health that require us to be painfully honest with our loved ones.  I encourage you to do this...now.

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Guest
Re: Should I tell him?
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am so shocked that you are asking IF you should tell him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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This to me is a no brainer, I mean, when you are ready to marry someone, usually you've shared every bit of pertinent information in your life with this person, and they know you inside and out - I don't understand first of all how he hasn't figured it out on his own, and two why something like this would never ever cross your mind as something you might want to share with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

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An obvious assumption is that you two are  not intimate, which is totally fine - but can you imgaine what will go through his head when he takes off your gown on your wedding night and sees your leg???? ANYONE would be shocked and probably not give you the greatest reaction, and then I'm sure anger and fighting would ensue.

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Honey if you don't tell him now, I just feel bad for you. It doesn't sound like you guys are starting off on the right foot at all, and that your FH is marrying a fraud.

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