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A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.

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A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 1:15 PM

So we talked. It was a loooonnngg night. And right now, my day seems to be even longer. The truth is, I'm just not ready to give up on him. (Even after the whole "tarat-card" thing) He doesn't have valid excuses. But I do believe him when he says he's sorry, that he regrets doing it. He just seems so sincere. I asked what has been going on and why he feels the need to continue. I told him how much it hurts me to think that after 5 years he feels he needs to hide things from me. That he lies right to my face when I ask him about something. He said that, for the most part, the reason he did it was because he didn't want for me to worry or be upset. I told him that wasn't very smart. How would you rather have it? Would you rather just tell and get it over with so we can move past it? Or have me find out later, by someone else, none-the-less, and then have me really pissed off. That's what really gets to me. That I have to find out from someone else and then I'm the one who looks like a total jerk. It's completely embarrassing and I'm the fool for buying into his word. I asked if it's something I make him do. Is it my fault? Do I lead you to believe you have to lie to me? I asked what we were going to do to fix this. Was he really going to change? I suggested the couples counseling or even having a sit down with our priest. He said if it was really what I wanted to do, then he would do it. I told him I needed for him to want it too, otherwise it would be pointless. I told him I'm at the end of my rope. I need reason to keep hanging on. I'm not ready to end this, but I refuse to continue the relationship the way it's been going. There was so much more that was shared but this is already so long. (sorry)  Thanks for all your suggestions ladies. God willing, things will get better.

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Guest
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hey, I just wanted to lend a sympathetic ear. FH and I are in couples counseling right now, and I've realized that we're not having problems because we don't love eachother, its just some things in our relationship we've been neglecting and we need to do some work on them. I think sometimes people fall into a certain comfort level in a relationship, and thats when bad things can happen, like what happening with you and your FH. What matters the most though is what you're willing to do to solve the issues - if you both recognize the problem and want to fix it, then I truly believe your relationship will be successful.

-

Hang in there girly, you guys will be ok :)

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree the biggest thing is realizing that there is a problem. I have been married a long time and after about 10 years it started getting easier. Yes, that seems like such a long time but it was definitely worth the work and the time. We had a lot to work through. We are in such a groove now. Things are great. We know what each other is thinking. I mean really know. That's not always a good thing but we can joke about it now. We still have to work at our relationship but not as hard. I guess I just wanted you to know that it does take time. Hang in there. If you are meant to be together you will work through this.

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Guest
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm glad you guys talked.  At least some of the issues are out in the open.

You are right about him wanting to go to counseling.   Follow your heart on this one and whenever you need to, come to us to talk.

counseling
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Guest
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I see a big red flag in your post that starts this thread.  Read the post again and substitute "Beats me" wherever "Lies to me" is located.  I think that might bring it into focus.  I really feel for you.  I know this is tough.  You need to ask yourself some questions.  1)  Will he change?  2)  Can you pledge your life to someone that can't tell you the truth?    Whatever you decide, you need to do it with your eyes wide open. 
Sometimes love isn't enough. 

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Why would she substitute 'beats me' for 'lies to me'? Do you think someone who lies will turn into a wife beater? Or do you think he is already beating her? I am confused by your comment.

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Guest
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 2, 2006 10:04 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Brides Mom, it looks like she's saying that lying is not to be tolerated--just like hitting.  I agree.

My college sweetheart did this--and it was because he was insecure.  At one point, he told me that his lying was my fault because I was so successful and he felt he couldn't "compete."  Please.  I don't know your situation, SpanishBride, so I can't tell you what you're supposed to do.  But if you're wondering if it's your fault that he's lying, and he's making you feel that way, that's abusive. 

Hon, if you're having to work this hard to keep this thing together--and you're not married yet--you'd better think hard...at least don't marry him until your relationship is exactly where you want it to be, 'cause it's sure as hell not gonna get easier once you're married. 

Again, I can't tell you what you should do--but I can tell you that dumping my college sweetheart was terribly hard, and also the best thing I ever did.  I can also appreciate that you want to give him a chance to change--how about setting a reasonable deadline with yourself as to what has to change and how long you're going to give him to do it?  Then stick to your guns.  After all, when you marry someone, you'd better be able to trust them with your life.

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Guest
Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 3, 2006 7:05 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

We've been bickering alot lately. Especially after all this. Work and Ballet keep me distracted, but that can only hold for so long. I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do. There are so many thoughts in my head. The way I see it, there are two roads to walk down and one to choose. I'm thinking over alot of things.

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Re: A shoulder to lean on...Part 2.
Posted: May 3, 2006 7:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Best of luck to you.  I know you're not in a fun situation.  Hope it works out for the best...whatever that is.

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