Need a shoulder to lean on....

Online Users: 1,264 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 22
Guest
Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 10:22 PM

So I'm alone right now and I can't get a hold of anyone over the phone. I want a shoulder to cry on, but I'll settle for  a few shoulders to hear from. So FH and I had a HUGE fight earlier. He's not here. He's helping a friend move. I'm miserable, but still more pissed off than anything. I've caught him in yet another stupid and petty lie and yet he has the audacity to yell at me because I'm upset by it. He acts like I'm never allowed to be mad about something he does. I'd really just like some conversation...Anyone there?

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 10:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm here...we can chat. I had a problem with FH in the beginning...things sounded weird and made up, and I would call him out on it, and he would get upset. Turned out most of what he was saying was true...anyway, chat away. I'll listen.

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 10:49 PM Go to message in response to: Emerald928

Thank You. Well, it's actually got worse and worse over the course of or 5 year relationship. Why? I don't know. I've asked him before. His answer..."I don't know. I'm sorry Baby." That gets old. It's acutally gotten to the point that now, everything he ever tells me, I think is a lie. I told him this a few days ago. He said the same thing though. "I'm sorry, I know that I hurt you. I don't know why I do it." What kind of excuse is that??

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Not a very good one....sorry! What are some of the lies that he's told...?

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: Emerald928

He's lied about where he's going. What he's been doing.It's actually all really stupid. This last one... He got suspended from work for a week and didn't tell me. He said there was no work, (he works on airplanes for the government) so they sent him home. He got suspended because he left early for the day. (They didn't get thier paychecks, yet again) So he decided it was BS and said he wasn't going to work. We have rent coming now. Not to mention car payments and other bills. I mean, how retarded can you be?

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 11:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Okay, so I don't want to jump to assumptions, but you said this has been going on for a while...I think it's definitely a red flag that he does not tell the truth on things (and I kinda think being suspended from work is a big thing). I am by no means saying to end it, but just consider that you are going to be married to this man...and you don't him lying when you're married too. When Tom and I were having this problem, I thought about our future, especially when we were going to have kids. It just bothers me to hear that he doesn't tell the truth to you...I'm sorry if I'm reading your post wrong...I totally mean well!

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: Apr 30, 2006 11:38 PM Go to message in response to: Emerald928

Don't worry, I get what you are saying. I told him I've gotten to my breaking point. He was real quiet after. Says he doesn't know why he does it. Kept apologizing too. I asked him, "What do you think I should do?" He looked scared and said, "What do mean Baby?" I'm at my end.

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 12:14 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My best friend dated a man just like this.  He lied.  All the time.  About nothing.  Not like he was going out and cheating or doing things he shouldn't...he just lied all the time.  He'd lie about something his friend did, or lie about a grade he made in a class, but it was constant.  They spent years together and it never got any better so they finally split, but I really think you might consider some couples therapy.  Help him get at the root of his problem.  It may be a struggle, but it sounds like you've been pretty understanding about it this far.  Just tell him that it isn't working and it isn't fair, that you have every right to be angry, and that just saying he is sorry won't cut it.  Tell him it will take time for him to earn your trust again, but that you two will work it out together.  Stand firm.  Don't let him convince you it is all better.  I'm sorry you're dealing with all this!

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 12:24 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

The guy I dated in college did this too--I loved him dearly, but I just couldn't deal.  Best decision I ever made.  Just curious, are these guys Pisces? 

I read this really funny book called "How to Spot a Bastard By His Star Sign."  I passed it around my friends, and we came to the conclusion that most of the descriptions are spot on (particularly the one for Taurus, which is my husband's sign)--and they're also hilarious. 

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 7:02 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

If I were you I would dump him immediately. Why would you stay with a liar? He will never change and don't fool yourself into thinking he will. Can you honestly see yourself double checking everything he says for the rest of your life? I speak from experience when I say that it just takes up way too much energy. You are better off finding someone who you can trust and then you can just relax, and I speak from experience there as well, it is just so much better.

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 10:42 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Exactly. I know he's not cheating. Like I said, it's just stupid, petty things. But there's absolutely no reason for that to be going on! It annoys me soooo much. And yes, I think I have been extremely patient all this time. My patience has just been worn-thin.

Fritz- he's an Aquarius..What does it say about that?? We are having a MAJOR sit down discussion tonight. I think I'm ready to give him the old..."or else" speech.

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 11:42 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Good for you! Just remember to stick to your guns...

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My FH and I and our pastor just talked about this kind of stuff this week, actually. My pastor was telling us that it was a problem that he used to have - his father taught them to avoid conflict at all costs - lie, cheat, ignore, whatever, just don't get into a conflict. Avoid it. And he said that it was something that he didn't realize he did until after he got married (although his wife I'm sure knew it) and it's been something he's worked hard to change and fix. It's been hard for them, but it's doable.

If he's not really willing to make that change, or if you just can't do it anymore (and honestly, he can't expect you to really, especially after putting up with it for so long like you said), this is definitely something that you should get out of right away. If you are willing to stay with him (kudos for you, because many women would never have that kind of patience or forgiveness) it is something that could be solved, but not without a lot of hard work from both of you. Keep us posted on how your discussion goes.

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 1:12 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think these sort of decisions can be made on teh spot. Complusive lying can be the hardest thing for a couple to get through together, but it really doesn't reflect on the person's  overall character. From the way you describe it, that is what is going on with your fiancee. You say he lies about weird little things. I say, go to couples therapy, make rules about when he does lie. You need to make it ok for him to tell you he's lied after he's done it, so that he knows he can tell you the truth once he's done it. This is a classic symptom of attention deficit problems, but can be a syndrome all on it's own. If you really love him, and he is otherwise responsible, make the effort, it will strengthen your relationship to be able to get through this, but the most important thing is to make it ok for him to confess after he's lied, without you chewing him out afterwards. I have ADD, and this is one of the things that has been hardest to overcome. I've lied little dumb lies my whole life, adn then spent years of my life feeling sick about what would happen if people found out. I never did it on purpose, and I would regret it after I'd said it. My fiancee was the first person who made it ok to tell him after I'd lied, and now a few years later, I'm finally to the point where I really think about what I'm saying before I say it. I know the work suspension thing does sound serious, but in my experience, lies come out when you speak before your brain can sort through reality and fantasy, and that may well bet he case there. Honesty can come eventually for people like your FH, and couples therapy and safe groundrule about it in your relationship coudl save your relationship. It all depends on whether you have any other reasons not to marry him, if you don't, please give therapy and my sugestions a stab. 

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Guest
Re: Need a shoulder to lean on....
Posted: May 1, 2006 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

SpanishBride, I'm sorry, but I think this guy has got to go.  Also, you mention in a later post that he lies about minor or petty things, but NOT REALLY when he is lying about work and it is messing up his pay causing you to stres about bills and rent.  Do you want to be with someone that constantly lies about petty AND important things to you causing added stress and worry to your life?  If not, I say, get out now...best of luck.

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