I am so sorry. These things feel like someone died, but worse. I will keep you in my prayers and I know it's hard to believe right now, but you will feel good and happy again. How is your family taking it?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 9:49 AMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
Katie, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. I don't have any wise advice for you, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you can find support in friends and family, and remember that you are young and fabulous and your life will go on, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Best of luck and lots of love!!
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 9:52 AMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling now, but please know you are in my thoughts, big hugs!
Things will be a little crazy over the next few days (there are certain things you need to attend to), but once that's over, you need to make sure you take time for YOU! Get away for a few days someplace new, take in a spa, eat as much as you want, and cry till you can't cry any longer.
That what does not kill us, makes us stronger. Come back sometime and check in here and let us know how you are. We'll all still be here if you ever need us.
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 10:09 AMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
Katie, if he does not want to go through with it, then don't do it. Don't force him, you both may regret it down the road, and perhaps you more than him. It will hurt a lot now and it will seem like a big embarrassment, but you may be better off for it. He may not be ready and if he isn't give him time. I wanted to back out a week before my 1st marriage and I did not thinking it was nerves or cold feet and paid for it dearly for 7 years. If it's not right, then it's not. But if it is, it will work out.
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 10:52 AMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.
Please let yourself mourn and get some counseling on your own to help you through this. It hurts and it sucks, but I really feel that counseling can be a safe place for you to turn to while you're working everything out.
All the best to you.
Message was edited by swerds on Apr 19, 2006 10:53 AM
Katie, I'm really sorry you are going through this, it must be very hard. I'm also going to say I think by not considering counseling you may be giving up on your relationship too quickly. If I remember correctly you are barely 21 (if not still 20), and you say that you have already waited through 2.5 years of engagement. Well truthfully to me a 21 year old saying he's not sure he's ready to get married is not the end of the world (or always the relationship). Most people change a LOT in their early twenties-more than you even realize, saying that because your ex-FH was not ready to marry you during a time of such major change you will never get married, seems a bit over the top.
I know there are probably people here who won't agree with me on this, but are you sure you haven't become so attached to the idea of getting married young, that when your guy backed up you just gave up? If my memory is correct, you all became engaged when you were 18, I personally don't feel like dating while you still are a minor and haven't 'been out in the world' that much really counts. I think a good rule for judging your own relationship, is how well you function as a couple when you start breaking away from your parents, not how you functioned when you were basically still a child. I so know, someone is going to say something about 'being mature for your age', but I was that girl too, so I don't really buy into that line of thinking. I know that is some areas of the country getting married at a young age is common, and there is nothing wrong with it. I do think, however, that saying your guy can't say he wants to postpone, get counseling, and think about things, says to me you might be more concerned about getting married than really wanting to be sure you are ready to get married (it seemed like a bit of trying to scare him into marrying you despite his concerns-his concerns are valid and should be addressed).
In short I know you are shocked and hurt to say the least, but if you two days ago thought he was the guy for you, it wouldn't hurt to at least hear him out.
I think pwm may have a good point here. A lot of guys aren't ready to be married at 21. I know you said you've been engaged for 2.5 years, but you are still quite young and in no danger of becomming an "old maid." Why do you feel the need to get married so quickly? I think waiting a couple of years and going through counseling would be a good idea. During counseling, you will be able to learn whether he is just not ready to get married, or whether he will never be ready to marry YOU. Why not give it a chance and find out before breaking up with him for good? You have plenty of years left to find someone new, get married, and have kids if it turns out that he isn't the one for you.
Of course, the fact that he wants to postpone so close to the wedding may make it difficult for you emotionally to give him another chance, because I know it must be rough to have to deal with all the plans being made, invitations sent out, etc. It might be easier if he had asked to postpone months ago. I would give yourself some time to get over the initial emotional shock and then decide for sure what you want to do when you aren't so caught up in being angry, sad, embarrassed, etc.
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 3:18 PMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
hugI do agree that maybe you're giving up too soon. Postponing the wedding and then getting counseling might do you a lot of good. I got flamed on another post because I said I don't believe in getting counseling for major issues, such as your FH cheating on you, but I think counseling could work well for you two. Apparently you had a good relationship up to this point, both of you have been faithful to each other, you're both still in love, etc. Maybe counseling can get your specific concerns out on the table, like why Rob doesn't feel ready to marry at this point, why you don't want to wait for him, etc.
Regardless, I'm really sorry you're going through this; I can't imagine how you must feel. Good luck with everything.
I would have to agree with Katie, postpone is not an option. It is a trust issue. He proposed to her, gave her a ring, guest list, etc. and presumably also counseling. Now one week before, he decided he is not ready. I think by choosing the postpone option, he is taking the chickenshit way out of the relationship, on par with "It's not you, it's me, lets just be friends." They have been dating for long enough that he should know whether or not she is 'the one'. He is just hoping to continue having regular sex until he finds the right person. I would move out (if living together) and refuse to talk to him.
Although, since he feels this way, it is a good thing that he spoke out. In a few years she will say 'good riddance.'
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:57 PMGo to messagein response to: katiemae1985
Hi Katie Mae,
First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. Whatever you end up doing in the end in terms of counseling with Rob, please make sure you also get counseling for just yourself, to help you through the pain that you feel. If nothing else, at least find a group online that you can talk to.
Also, I would reccomend getting help from your parents or friends in cancelling wedding plans - you should not have to deal with all of that now. Ideally Rob should do all of that since he's the one changing his mind (he should also pay for cancellation fees in my opinion).
Please don't think that your future is ruined because of this. Just imagine if you ended up in a marriage that was not desired wholeheartedly by both people. To become free from someone who does not want you with all of his heart is a gift. You deserve someone who wants you completely. Rob may still be that person - that's something to still be figured out perhaps. But whoever it is you marry in the end, it has to be done truly and completely with joy and a desire to be together.