hello... big problem

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Guest
hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 12:41 PM

Hello everyone.  I'm new to the boards, and am getting married May 27, 2006.  I've got a problem though.  My fiancee and I have dated for years, going on 4 years.  We are both 21.  However, here lately I've suspected him of cheating with a minor.  He is home all the time.  He works a lot.  I dont' think he is physically dating someone else, but I think he has been calling a 15 yr. old girl on our home phone.  why?  Well, Sat. night I had my bachelorette party.  Just a night out with the girls at one of the dance clubs in town.  I got home early Sunday morning.  (we live together).  Our whole Easter Sunday was good.  That afternoon I pressed re-dial on our home phone.  I have no idea why... just did.  A number popped up that I didn't recognize.  So, I called it.  It was a girl.  I was furious, so I confronted my future hubby and he called the number back to see who it was.  It was my fiancee's younger brother's ex girlfriend.  In the past my fh had been text messaging this girl right after their braek up.. I guess to console her.  My question is:  what should i do?  marriage counseling?  leave?  I'm torn  I know we love each other, what would you do?

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 1:07 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Get it out in the open. The best way to solve the problem is to confront it. Ask him why? Was this girl a close part of his family before the breakup? The worst thing to do is not to say something to him, and yes if this is a serious enough situation counseling may b ein order.

Personally, I don't know how you handle it, but I would've lost it. Stay strong, communication is the key!

Hugs and kisses!

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

First of all, I don't get it.  HE was the one to call that number in the first place, but HE also called the number "to see who it was"?  That makes no sense.

I think you have a major problem regardless of what's going on between FH and the girl.  You say you already confronted him about it.  I'm assuming you weren't satisfied with the explanation he gave you at that point?  Why weren't you satisfied with it?  Didn't it make sense, or do you have issues such that, right off the bat, you decided not to trust FH's explanation?  It sounds to me that either your FH is a liar or you're unreasonably accusing.   

 I know if I found some girl's number on my FH's phone, I'd ask him about it, but I certainly wouldn't suspect he was cheating on me!

Here's my opinion.  If you already confronted him and he gave you a story that just didn't add up, you should be very leery of marrying this guy.  How on earth can you marry someone you don't, or can't, trust?  On the other hand, if he already told you the truth and you still don't believe him, then you're the one with the problem.  I think you need to get to the bottom of this and then figure out what to do.  Here's my final thought though, marriage counseling is for married couples who need to work out their issues in order to save their existing marriage.  There's no way I'd go to counseling with a guy to work out our major problems before the wedding.  If the relationship was in need of such major intervention, I'd get out before I get married.   

Good luck!

Message was edited by 9302006 on Apr 17, 2006 5:50 PM

Message was edited by 9302006 on Apr 17, 2006 6:04 PM

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 2:16 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You need to talk this out with him, hear his side of this before jumping to conclusions. It may be one big misunderstanding.I understand that you are worried and upset but talk to him about it, you may need counseling, you may not.  If you feel that you cant trust him or that he lies to you then you two arent ready to be married yet, no offense, I just dont think that two people can have a healthy marriage if there is no trust between them. I would be upset if I saw some random chic's phone number on my fiance's phone but I would hear him out about it. Good luck.

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NatSeptBride Posts : 888 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree, get it all out in the open before you make a decision.  Make sure you listen well to what he says though because you may miss something very important to the situation due to being upset.  Or catch him in a lie if it comes to that.  I would be real upset if I saw a girls # on my fiances phone that I didn't know, but I would confront him, and decide from there if I can trust him.. Good luck to you, I hope for your sake that it's nothing.  Let us know what happens.

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 5:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hi pinkbride...

I am not a therapist or counselor, and am in no way able to give you solid professional advice, however I am 30 and (finally) just getting married. I guess you could say Ive been there, done that. The main thing is not to "confront" him. I made this mistake many times in my youth. Confrontation is never a good thing. Discussions however, are. Tell him it makes you feel very uncomfortable if hes carrying on in a relationship with this girl. Platonic(hopefully) or not.Be honest with him on how you feel. If he respects you he will a)be honest back

 or at the least b)consider your feelings before calling this girl again.

My fh has always appreciated my honesty (and trust me we've had hard times with trust issues considering he's touring in Europe atleast 5 months a year, with girls all over the place) and i have always tried to go about it without immediatly pointing fingers and the blame right on him.

Talk it over with him and tell him youre thinking of a counselor. But if you still distrust him and honestly think somethign is going on, it might be best to postpone things until youre in a better place...

good luck no matter what course you go with...

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 17, 2006 6:19 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I just wanted to add that I agree with turbosgirl that it is better to discuss than to confront.  I used the word confront in my last post, but now that I think about it, that really isn't the right word. 

I still think that you need to have a very open, honest discussion about this with your FH, and I find it very strange that you say you already brought this up with him and yet you're still posting to us about it.  I would think that, after one discussion with your FH about it, you would at least be past the point of suspecting he's cheating (i.e.  you'd know for sure whether he is or he isn't).

Keep us posted! 

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 18, 2006 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

9302006 Wrote: "marriage counseling is for married couples who need to work out their issues in order to save their existing marriage.  There's no way I'd go to counseling with a guy to work out our major problems before the wedding.  If the relationship was in need of such major intervention, I'd get out before I get married."

I couldn't disagree more!!! Why on earth would you think such a thing? I don't think you understand the point of counseling.

First of all, an engagement period is a time in which a couple examines and plans for a marriage. A Marriage Too many people now a days put far more hours into planning the wedding and far too little hours into planning for their marriage. What makes the whole thing have a point? Its the marriage! After all the bells and whistles, the couple is going to have to work out real, hard, actual problems in their marriage. Some from working through transistions of being single and now married, some from working on how to communicate, some from learning how to accept and support the other even when they don't want to, some to work through expectations that are not getting met. How could it be wrong, and why wouldn't you want to get all the help you could get to know how to deal with problems, and what to expect, to get marriage counseling? Marriage is not easy, and people should take all the help they can get before they decide to jump into it. My FH and I took counseling for 6 weeks before we even got engaged!! Then we had counseling once a month for another 6 months! We didn't want to take it lightly. Sure, I was excited about shopping for that white dress, but I was more concered with making sure I wasn't making a huge mistake. In that counseling we learned a lot about eachother's personalities that we didn't realize before. And knowing that we have learned what areas to expect conflict in and how to work through that conflict. Just knowing what we do now has saved a ton of angry difficlut years of fighting in the future. Now I am so glad we took the time to really examine our relationship, our compatability and our goals to see if we should get married and if it was a good decision. Now I can't wait to marry my fiance, and I feel absolutely NO cold feet or regret or worry about this decision, because I worked through it so much. People out there are trianed to ask the right questions and to pry into little places you would rather not talk about, when its really needed and should be talked about.  Let me tell you, of all the preparations for our wedding, this was the most valuble! By FAR! Counseling is NOT just for the married! Don't let anyone tell you it is. And if you aren't sure if you should get married or engaged, or if you have been dating a long time and aren't ready to just throw it all away, but aren't sure what to do, then counseling is for you! You don't have to be married to get couples/marriage counseling!

I'm sorry 9302006, but I totally disagree with "having to be married before you get couseling for marriage." I don't mean to be rude, so I hope you don't take it this way, but I hope other brides aren't discouraged from a wonderful thing like couseling because of your comment.

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 18, 2006 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Couples that attend good premarital counseling have a much higher success rate in marriage.  It helps you discuss your expectations and values with a neutral party.  I would highly recommend it, so no I don't think counseling is just for the married.  A lot of people could have a much better start to their marriage if they'd do premarital counseling.

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 18, 2006 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

umm...

 i dont think the big problem in your post is cheating, it is the possibility of statutory rape, or any innapropriate relationship b/t a 21 year old and 15 year old.  

hate to disaggree with all the above, but if you REALLY suspect... if there is an inkling of truth to the above statment what your FH is doing is BREAKING THE LAW!!! It is NEVER acceptable for a 21 year old to have an intimate relationship with a 15 year old .For him to be pursueing this sort of relationship is ABUSE!!!!

Now is the time to be totally honest. harsh as it might sound, if you really suspect him of having an intimate relationship with this child call the cops NOW!!! and distance yourself from this guy immediately. but be completely honest though. if you are jumping to conclusions this sort of accusation could destroy your future husbands life if it were unfounded. However, If you have credible evidence you must report him. a 15 year old is a child!

sorry to sound so harsh but i feel very strongly about child abuse.

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 18, 2006 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

OK.  Maybe I didn't make myself as clear as I wanted to.  I would never seek counseling before my wedding to work out major issues.  That does not mean that I don't believe in the pre-Cana type classes offered by churches and others.  In fact, FH and I are attending pre-Cana right now. 

Of course, the type of counseling FH and I are attending  is designed to prepare couples who already feel they have a good relationship for marriage.  Sure, sometimes issues are uncovered throughout the course of the sessions, but the couple goes in planning to be married.  It's a totally different thing from going into counseling because you think your FH is cheating on you, or for any other serious issue that is causing you to rethink your wedding plans.  So, to reiterate, I think marriage prep counseling sessions are wonderful; FH and I are attending them and feel we are getting a lot out of them.  On the other hand, I think that if you feel you need counseling to keep you together and to help you decide if you should be getting married, then the answer is that you  shouldn't be getting married.  Why would you want to go into marriage not knowing whether or not you can trust your spouse?

Have you ever heard the saying that you should go into marriage with your eyes wide open and then keep them half-shut after the wedding?  I think that applies here, and if my open eyes saw, or legitimately thought they saw, FH cheating on me, then there wouldn't be a wedding.  That's just my personal opinion.

Please don't accuse me of putting more time into wedding planning than into marriage planning.  That's simply not true. 

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:48 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I guess I don't know what kind of premarital counseling (and church) you're going through, but here's how my pastor put it. Yes, premarital counseling is where you're going to learn a lot about each other, your feelings on sex, finances, children, employment, etc. But it's also where you should be able to figure out if - yes, we should definitely get married, and we're headed in the right direction; yes, we should get married, but we have somethings we need to work out first (whatever that may be); or no, we should not get married, because there are issues between us that may eventually lead to divorce. Our pastor has made it very clear that we're not just going to touch on things like finances and children and such. He is also there as our pastor, AND as a counselor to help us weed through any problems that we have or may arise. So we're doing premarital counseling, yes, but regardless of the 'premarital' title, bottom line, it's still counseling. And really, something I think that all couples should go through at some point, regardless if they're having major issues or not.

Trust me. It works. My FSIL (I don't know if you remember me talking about her on the old boards), but she was 'engaged' to a guy that was....not for her. He was 10 years older than her (not saying that it's always a bad thing), but he was very set in his ways, and also very verbally abusive. And she didn't see it. Not at all, even though the rest of us could. They broke up at least 5 times in the year that they dated, but they kept getting back together and she kept saying, "Oh, I love him so much, and we're going to get married, he really wants to marry me..." And they started premarital counseling and, oh boy, did those issues come up!!!! (I really feel bad for the pastor that did theirs - and I think they only met with him 2 or 3 times) Needless to say, they are no longer together, because they realized (especially my FSIL) that they had issues that would make for a completely miserable marriage and lifetime - if it made it that long.

It's obvious that the OP and her FH were/are planning to get married. And this issue is after the fact. So I don't see why counseling is a bad idea. I mean, on the one hand, it could just be a wrong place, wrong time, he didn't know what to way, etc. kind of situation, and if it is, I hope they can work through it all. And if it truly is what the OP thinks it is, well, what better time to sort through it than BEFORE you get married, and what better place to do it than with an uninvoled, objective 3rd party such as a pastor or a counselor.

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

im sorry to be negative here... ive been laying low for while due to the drama on these boards....

but does these scream of "sophie" to anyone else?

sorry if its true but... well.... it just doesnt sound like it

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 2:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I guess you need to get to the bottom of it and I strongly recommend premarital counseling.  Her age is a little too young and while he may not be actually fooling around with her, if he is telling her things like he wants to be with her, that will cause a problem. 

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Guest
Re: hello... big problem
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 7:41 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

All I have to say is that if it comes out that you FH is fantasizing about sleeping with this girl, don't EVER make a baby with him.  Because this would be molestation and you don't want to put another child (especially yours) in harms way.  Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION!!!  Use your head and not your wishes, emotions, or heart.  I wish you the best!

Message was edited by CarsonsJellybean on Apr 20, 2006 7:41 PM

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