Let's talk for a minute about a totally underrated aspect of wedding planning: fun. Unlike a birthday party, an event also organized around cake, presents, and party dresses, fun is not a word commonly associated with weddings. Ritual, yes. Elegance, yes. But fun?
"When you're a bride, it's all too easy to get caught up in the details and forget about just enjoying yourself," says Kim Izzo, coauthor of The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Grace Under Pressure. Even if friends and family are nice enough not to play a game of Pin the Worry On the Bride ("The hors d'oeuvres are running out"; "Uncle Albert's knocking back the martinis"), it's hard to let go of the months of planning and stop thinking, "Where did that photographer get to?"
Oddly enough, the freedom to enjoy your wedding deeply and fully is directly dependent on planning. The more organized you are, the more you'll be able to relax, sit back, look into your new husband's eyes, and let exuberance flow like champagne.
Planning a wedding that gives you room to let go of the role of executive producer is, alas, not always fun. "Early on, you have to make tough choices," says Izzo. "You have to take control and express what you want, which can be hard to do if someone else is paying for the event."
She advises making use of that discreet little word: no. As in, "No, mother, I don't want your college roommate's son to be the DJ." As in, "No, [insert the name of your best friend], I don't want to wear a garter, but I will wear a little blue ribbon around my ankle."
From the moment you're engaged, you'll be inundated with ideas. "When I talk to brides," says designer Pat Kerr, "I always tell them to be careful about the advice they accept." A bridesmaid or mother-in-law might not be thinking about you, but rather about her own dream wedding.
Kerr recommends accepting input graciously. Tell your family and friends, "That's a wonderful idea and I'll think about it." Honor the fact that they care, make sure that your own plans will be enjoyable for your guests, and then, says Kerr, "Do what you want."
Which is exactly what Ilene Rosenzweig did when she planned her wedding in Santa Margherita, Italy, a place where her family had often traveled. The author of Swell: A Girl's Guide to the Good Life, written with her best friend, fashion designer Cynthia Rowley, Rosenzweig is a firm believer in fun. "I wanted to do as much as I could to loosen my wedding up," she says.
That meant formality with a personal twist—silver containers for the flowers but no vases. "I went around the hotel picking out teapots and ice buckets," she says. To make guests feel welcome, she wrote up a program, "Rick and Ilene's Wedding, A-Z," and placed it on everyone's seat before the ceremony. She used it to explain some of the Jewish traditions she'd chosen and to include pictures of relatives who couldn't be there.
But Rosenzweig's favorite part of the wedding was an abundance of toasts. "A lot of people feel they're not necessarily important enough in your life to make a toast. So I sent out an e-mail telling people we were having a toast registry," she says. "I wanted to free people's imaginations without pressuring them, so I said, 'Songs, skits, embarrassing memories, and kind words welcome.'"
The result was a hilarious interlude. One friend sang the Ballad of Rick and Ilene. Rowley rewrote the Doctor Seuss book Green Eggs and Ham. Rosenzweig designated "the Johnny Carson of the clan" as master of ceremonies, in charge of organizing the toasts, introducing the guests, and passing the mike. "It went on forever," says Rosenzweig. "But I thought that wasn't too terrible because we were in a beautiful place. Guests could wander off and get drinks if they liked. I loved every minute."
If you think about it, a wedding is full of opportunities for fun. It may only be a little touch: Caterer Mary Cleaver sometimes writes guests' names on cookies as an alternative to place cards. Or it might be an unusual activity for the guests. Lesley Carlin, one of the "etiquette grrls" behind the book, Things You Need to Be Told, suggests having a sketch artist at the wedding in addition to the photographer so that everyone will leave with a souvenir portrait. "Look for creative ways to break the rules that everyone will appreciate," she says.
Instill a sense of fun into the rehearsal dinner by hosting it somewhere unusual—on a cricket court (have guests wear white) or near the beach (with sand buckets as centerpieces), with hula hoops and squirt guns. Those are just two of the dinners Peri Wolfman, vice president of product development for Williams-Sonoma and author of numerous entertaining books, gave for her sons.
If you love simple flowers like pansies, skip the roses. If you have a gaggle of nieces and nephews you adore, have them be your attendants instead of grown-ups. "When there's a real choice behind something as structured and familiar as a wedding, guests experience it as a breath of fresh air," says Cornelia Powell, who writes and lectures about bridal history and rituals.
Speaking of rituals, do some research on them and have fun with what you discover. Rosenzweig found that at Jewish weddings, after the bride and groom were carried around in a chair, it was customary for guests to come up and do a little dance for the newlyweds. The idea proved contagious—one lady with a cane even got up to dance—and Rosenzweig's own spirits soared. "I'd been a little rattled up to that point because the hair and makeup people didn't show up," she recalls. "The dances, which are called 'tanzes,' really helped me start to have fun."
Rituals and history—the Victorian custom of wearing a wreath of flowers in your hair, the orange blossom's association with fertility—"can give you the courage to add a sense of lightness and play to your wedding," says Powell.
Where you may need the most courage is in choosing your attendants from among all the friends and relatives you love. Sometimes brides become stressed over making this selection. No need, says Powell. Not everyone has to be a bridesmaid. Powell suggests honoring a group of people—maybe your friends from high school, everyone from the office, all your cousins—by seating them in a special place, listing them in the program, outfitting them with corsages, or asking them to wear a special color. You might want to give this group of friends a lighter, less ceremonial role in the wedding—have them do a reading, make toasts, or simply help out by overseeing the photographer or looking after Aunt Hattie.
Will they mind not being formal bridesmaids or ushers? "You may find they're grateful and relieved to be honored without having to go to all the expense of a gown," points out Powell.
If your attendants—bridesmaids or otherwise—combine with your family to create a large group, you might want to create a party within a party at picture-taking time. Mallory Samson, photographer and author of Real Weddings, tells of a recent wedding she photographed in California's Napa Valley where the family pictures were taken in a vineyard with drinks and hors d'oeuvres. "I always suggest a mini party when a wedding has a lot of attendants," says Samson.
There's one more special group that you should plan on catering to: you and your groom. See if you can't schedule a time when you can slip off for a kiss. You'll want to be with your guests of course, but strolling in the garden or quietly watching the sunset will help you connect with the moment you fell in love, the moment that led to this wedding.
When all your months of planning are over, take a deep breath and let your wedding happen. There will be kinks in the works—broken-down cars, misplaced Champagne—but remember that a disaster now is a great story later. "Be in the moment," says Izzo. "Admire your new husband, enjoy having so many people you love in one place, and luxuriate in the fact that you look fabulous in your dress." Everyone will be giving you compliments. Accept them enthusiastically, and never mind that your flower girl is standing by your cake, sampling the icing.
