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Planning on inviting children other than your flower girl or ring bearer to your wedding? You may want to consider a special kid's menu. Which options will your younger guests will enjoy the most? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your catering questions in our daily post.
What do we need to think about when serving children? Should they get a separate menu?
"Children are guests, too!," says Charlie Palmer, chef at New York City's Metrazur, Aureole and Asta restaurants. "I think that it's worth the extra time and effort to cater to their needs. Let your caterer whip up a few simple dishes that young palates will love, but can still be formal, like a simple soup (hold the spices!), a delicious four-cheese ravioli for the main course, and ice cream for dessert."
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Sending out your wedding invitations opens a veritable Pandora's box of etiquette issues. Late responses, no responses, and mailbox mixups abound, and when close family and friends mysteriously RSVP no, feelings can get in the way. Still, is it ever appropriate to confront these guests? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your RSVP questions in our daily post.
Can I ask my close friend why she RSVPed "No"?
Not if you phrase it diplomatically. But her reason might be embarrassing—perhaps she's having financial trouble and can't afford a gift. If you want to reach out to her, send a short e-mail (a phone call might make her feel put on the spot) saying you're bummed she'll miss your wedding but that when you're back from the honeymoon you'd love to grab coffee and catch up. This will give her the chance to reveal her reason without being guilt-tripped by you.
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There are countless wedding traditions to pick from: feeding each other wedding cake, incorporating something blue, and, of course, donning a white wedding dress. These rules have relaxed over time (hello, pink wedding dresses!), but what happens when a couple wants to skip a tradition altogether? Our etiquette experts are here to answer your questions about wedding traditions in our daily post.
I think the garter toss is tacky, but everyone says it's a time-honored tradition and we should include it in our reception. Do we have to do it, or is there an alternative?
Yes, the garter toss is time-honored—it got its start in medieval times. Guests would rip and tear at the bride's clothes to snag a piece of the fabric, which was thought to bring them good luck. Often, the bride would strip off her stockings and garters to throw to the pack so she could escape. (Yikes!) Fortunately, guests have become more civilized through the centuries. Now, the groom strips the garter off the bride to campy stripper music, then tosses it into a pack of salivating unmarried men.
The garter tradition has (thankfully) started to lose favor recently. If you prefer to ax this ritual from your reception repertoire, but still want to do something, you can opt for one of these less titillating alternatives. Make the bouquet toss co-ed. Watch all your single friends battle it out for the big prize. Give the bouquet to your favorite person. Honor your parents or his, a special grandmother or a friend who was such a big help during the wedding planning. Hand it over to the longest-married couple. Have your DJ or band play a special "marrieds-only" song. The band leader or DJ will first ask those married eight hours or less to leave the floor (that means you), then five years or less, ten years or less and so on, until there's one couple left standing. They get the prize—your flowers.
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Rather than ask close friends to battle it out for the coveted role, the bride's sister is often a natural choice for maid of honor—but what if she's not the best choice? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your bridal party questions in our daily post.
Do I have to ask my sister to be my maid of honor?
There is no rule saying you must ask your sister to be your matron of honor. Rather, you should ask the person you feel most deserves the role.
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While it's usually the maid of honor or bridesmaids' responsibility to organize the bachelorette party, it's less clear who should pay for the festivities. Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your party planning questions in our daily post.
Who pays for the bachelorette party?
The bachelorette party is one event where the hosts aren't necessarily expected to foot the bill for everyone. In fact, the hosts are often more "organizers" than traditional hosts; they take charge of getting a group of friends together for a night out. Typically, everyone chips in to cover the cost of the bride's food and any drinks, since she's the one being honored. Any arrangement you come up with for funding the evening is fine—just be sure that everyone knows what to expect before the night begins.
If the event is more of a classic party being hosted by one or a few people at a single venue, then the traditional rules of hosting apply: the hosts covers all of the costs: food, drinks, decorations and any party favors.
While gifts aren't usually given at bachelorette parties, it is popular to give the bride an inexpensive little something to commemorate the evening—usually a token like a T-shirt (or perhaps a more intimate garment) saying "Bride-to be" or "Taken." In this case, the group usually either decides on a gift together and all chip in, or one person takes the initiative and pays for it herself.
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You may be dreaming of satin wedding dress, but if you're getting married in the sweltering summer months, is it your best bet? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your wedding dress questions in our daily post.
Is satin too heavy a fabric for a summer wedding? I'm getting married in June.
A satin gown is best for a fall to early-spring wedding. Since you'll be marrying when temperatures will be balmy, choose a dress made from a lightweight, airy fabric like silk-organza, tulle or chiffon.
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Groom's cakes are turning up at more and more weddings as couples get increasingly creative with their dessert offerings. But are they a requirement? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your groom's cake questions in our daily post.
Do we have to have a groom's cake? We weren't planning on it.
Absolutely not. The groom's cake (which is often a fun-flavored, hobby-themed ode to your new hubby) started as a Southern tradition, but in recent years it has spread nationwide. But just like almost every other tradition, it's entirely optional. If you and your family are having a tug-of-war about the cake, however (chocolate versus vanilla, carrot versus custard), the groom's cake can be a simple way to satisfy those alternate cravings without upsetting the wedding-cake cart.
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Your first dance at your wedding is more than a tradition, it's usually the go-ahead to "open" the dance floor to other couples once you're done. Yet some couples, for religious, space, or personal reasons, choose to forgo this custom. Is this a reception faux pas? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your wedding reception questions in our daily post.
My groom and I hate to dance. Can we avoid the first dance altogether?
Plenty of wedding celebrations—usually for religious reasons or space limitations—do without dancing. But if you want a lively party, plan on a first dance before you sit out the rest. "Traditionally, no one takes a spin around the dance floor until the bride and groom have their first dance," says Laurie Davis, a wedding planner and owner of Five Star Weddings and Events in Laguna Niguel, California. "So have your master of ceremonies invite the wedding party and family to join you on the dance floor about 30 seconds into your first dance. This takes the focus off the couple but still gives the photographer time to get a few shots."
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Photo: Leah Verwey Photography
Anything goes for wedding favors—you can hand out wine, candy, handmade trinkets—the list goes on. But how much money should you spend? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your wedding favor questions in our daily post.
I really can't afford to give favors. Do you have to have them?
They are by no means mandatory. So if you can't afford something you really like, just let 'em go. Your guests won't even notice. But there are a few ideas that can be pulled off on the cheap. Get two things for the price of one: Your florist can design breakaway centerpieces, so each guest can take home a tiny bouquet of flowers or a pretty plant. And some of the most guest-pleasing favors—a sweet little bag of candy, tiny packets of flower seeds—are also some of the least expensive. Lastly, some brides opt for making a donation to their favorite charity, and print up cards that read: "In lieu of a favor, a donation has been made to the ASPCA." You'll help out a good cause with the money spent, and your guests will be touched by your generous spirit.
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Some expectant brides-to-be wonder if it's appropriate to have a big (no pun intended) wedding with a baby on the way. Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer all of your wedding planning questions in our daily post.
I'm pregnant—can I have a big wedding? And should we invite the family members who are against it?
If you want a big wedding, then go for it! The old rules that say a bride with a child should have a quick-and-dirty ceremony are just that, old. If it's important to you and your fiancé that these family members be present, a compromise would be best: Have a small-scale reception after the ceremony and invite the relatives to that. A few weeks later, have a huge blowout with the friends and family who support you. That way you'll get to have your big wedding—but without the big drama.
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It's your wedding and you can serve whatever food and drink you want to, right? Not necessarily. Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your catering questions in our daily post.
We don't drink, but some of our friends and family do. Is it rude not to serve alcohol at our wedding reception?
Although it's not rude to have a liquor-free party, if you know your friends and family drink, and you don't have any vehement objections to alcohol, go ahead and splurge on a little booze. You don't have to spend tons of money on a full, four-hour open bar. Instead, host a full bar open for a cocktail hour, followed by a few hours of wine, beer and non-alcoholic drinks. Or serve just wine and beer, or festive champagne, all night long. However, if you do feel strongly about passing on liquor, then do so. Offer an exotic fruit punch and flavored sparkling waters. Or hire a bartender to mix "virgin" piña coladas and other fancy drinks. Or maybe even have a flavored iced-tea and coffee bar. Make the drinks you do serve interesting, and your guests will hardly notice what's missing.
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Weddings can cause sticky family situations rise to the surface. Already-difficult tasks like table assignments are complicated by in-laws, exes, and step-relatives. Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your guest list questions in our daily post.
Should I invite my ex-husband to my upcoming wedding? Our daughter is going to be my maid of honor.
If you and your ex are still on good terms, and you're sure there's no jealousy or resentment involved on his part, feel free to invite him; if not, you should keep him off the guest list. The reason: Inviting a former spouse who no longer feels close to your family will leave him with two fairly awkward choices—not attending and looking bitter, or attending and feeling uncomfortable.
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Wedding planning can feel like a race to the finish line, and time is of the essence for certain aspects like dress fittings or booking your venue. But how early should you ask friends and family to be attendants? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your bridal party questions in our daily post.
When are you supposed to ask people to be attendants?
Ideally within a month or two of the engagement, but there are no set rules. You'll first need to figure out how large a bridal party you want, which is often determined by the size of your event. (If you're having only 40 guests, 10 attendants will look off-balance.) Whatever your approach, be sure to ask everyone around the same time, especially if would-be members of the party are in the same social circles.
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From the rehearsal dinner to the post-wedding brunch, weddings are often whole-weekend affairs—but who should host what? Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your entertaining questions in our daily post.
Who is supposed to take care of the post-wedding brunch? My parents assumed his parents would pay for it, but they haven't said a word!
When it comes to any post-wedding festivities, there are no rules. Time is of the essence, though, so you need to address the issue now. If you were expecting his parents to pay, have your fiancé ask them directly. If they decline, you'll have to figure out another plan, and perhaps host the gathering yourselves. And remember, the brunch menu can be as simple and inexpensive as bagels and coffee for your nearest and dearest and the out-of-towners.
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Is it ever too early to rock? Your wedding music and entertainment should reflect your taste, but, as always, timing is key. Our wedding etiquette experts are here to answer your wedding music questions in our daily post.
Can I have a rock band at my 11:00 a.m. reception?
Even if Ozzy is walking you down the aisle, live rock isn't really the way to go that early. Instead, pick a sound that's more soothing and complementary to your site. "If the place is light and airy, like a country club, a jazz band with a vocalist would work well," says Marc Jason of New York-based event production company Total Entertainment. If your venue is a catering hall or a hotel ballroom, which lends itself to dancing, Jason suggests a scaled-down orchestra (seven pieces, versus 10 with a horn section). Start with smooth tunes (like Norah Jones, Diana Krall, Ella Fitzgerald), then switch to rock later.
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