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Every week, we give our readers a glimpse inside the mindset of a guy's brain on weddings with the help of the hilarious and smart editors at The Plunge.
Ladies, we understand. You're planning a wedding with the precision of the Allies landing at Normandy, so it's no wonder you get pissed if we seem to zone out when certain subjects come up. C'mon: you wouldn't have asked us if the bridesmaids should be carrying calla lilies or tulips if you didn't want us to chime in, right?
Sorry, we men aren't falling for it. We know that your interest in our opinion is inversely proportional to how much of it we actually express. The more we speak up, the less you'll want to hear what we have to say.
Which is fine, because, typically, we aren't that interested in the flower arrangements anyway, nor the china patterns, nor the question of which calligrapher we should hire to write the place settings.
It's not that we don't have aesthetic preferences, it's that they are completely useless when it comes to planning a wedding. The game console with the best graphics? That we can tell you. What color Porsche you should buy when you get rich? We've got you covered. Who has the coolest uniforms in the NFL? Don't get us started...
If there is one thing men respect, it's expertise. If there is one thing we abhor, it's someone trying to fake expertise. When it comes to flowers, china patterns, and table settings, you are the expert. Anything we say on these subjects will just highlight our ignorance. We'll be faking it without making it.
Besides, what if we do have a strong opinion about the china pattern? Do you really want to have to negotiate that with us? Don't you have enough to worry about as it is? You know you're going to get your way in the end anyway, so why put the both of us through that? Let's save up our energy for all the legitimate issues we'll have to fight over in the years to come.
Remember, the wedding day means more to you than it does to us (note that we said "wedding day" there, not "marriage.") We didn't spend any of our childhoods fantasizing about walking down the aisle — we were too busy eating our own boogers, collecting Pogs and picturing Scarlett Johansson naked. The wedding represents the beginning of our time as husband and wife, and sometimes the best thing a husband can do is keep his mouth shut.
So don't be offended if we fail to contribute to certain decisions — it's not indifference, but strategy. Your troop transports are heading for the beaches — we're just trying to get out of the way.