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While getting out of a sex slump can be fun — hello, hot sex! — getting into one in the first place can "signal problems in your life or relationship, and these can sometimes be emotionally painful and a challenge to resolve," warns Carol Queen, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. But luckily, with our experts' advice, you can keep your sex life hot and a sex slump at bay. Here are seven tips to start.
1. Make sexual connection part of everyday life.
You don't have to have sex to be sexual with your spouse. Instead, says Queen, "act like lovers. Share glances, steal kisses, leave notes, touch when you pass in the hall, hold hands at movies. Behaving this way keeps you engaged with the eroticism that is part of your connection to each other and your relationship."
2. Track your sexual activity.
Says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Truth About Sex: A Sex Primer For The 21st Century, "you keep track of your periods, so keep track of your sex life too. Specifics not required — just a note or symbol so you don't let big gaps develop and are mindful of your actual pattern of sexual contact." If you know how often you get down — or can see patterns in when you don't — you're better equipped to address any problems that pop up, she says.
3. Learn to talk about sex.
Says Queen, "Many people think sex is natural and will just happen. And while that's true in one way — our species hasn't died out, clearly — there are many things in a relationship that can impede it, including the very common relational life cycle that sees sex get less important the longer a couple is together." But chatting about your sex life can keep the fire stoked, she says. "People who can't talk openly about sex can't easily address problems or pleasures, desires or limits," Queen explains.
4. Make quickies count.
If you don't have time for a full-blown sex session, Brame says, then you can keep a rut at bay by breaking out quicker sex acts that work for you as a couple. "Talk to your partner to find out what particular sex acts can get each of you off very quickly," she recommends. "For a lot of women, the whole complicated process of sex can feel like too much work at the end of a hard day. But if there's something the two of you can do for each other in five blissful minutes, you will may avoid falling into a deadly slump for life."
5. Mix up your sexual routine.
Sex with the same person in the same position at the same time of day can quickly get boring and send you into a rut, stat. So, says Queen, "if your partner is still attractive to you and you still have sexual desires but things just seem a little blah, switch it up. Dress sexy — or as a different character and role-play them. Pretend it's your first time and you have to learn each other anew. Explore sex while blindfolded. And if you can't think of things you'd like to do, read books about sex to add to your list of, 'hmm, that'd be hot' ideas."
6. Choose sexiness.
Says Brame, "The secret to staying sexy for life is prioritizing sex as a natural and wonderful part of your life. That means choosing to have regular sex with someone you trust and who knows how to ring your bells. Take an aspirin if you have a headache — or let an orgasm relieve your headache. Find creative ways to turn yourself on if you feel bored. And if you have underlying issues that are inhibiting you, deal with those issues so you can free yourself and get the sex life you really want."
7. Add sexiness to your schedule.
Scheduled sex can still be hot. And keeping regular intimacy dates, even on a calendar, keep you from getting into a rut. "If times are overwhelming, acknowledge that your sex life is impacted — say it out loud," says Queen. "And talk about when you can get away from the bustle to make love. Hold each other when you get a chance. Use eye contact, intimate talk, words of love, and get each other through with a promise that you will really reconnect soon. Then keep the promise."