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There's a scary rumor floating around: some couples don't get down on their wedding nights. If you've heard it, you might be wondering whether it's time to take up-front action, choosing to schedule a quickie for your big day to cut off the risk you won't have sex at all. Here, our experts help you figure out if a wedding-night quickie is right for you.
First, says Carol Queen, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone, consider that a wedding-night quickie doesn't have to be of the we're-giving-up-on-good-sex variety. In other words, you can still have amazing wedding night sex, even if you go for the fast finish.
"A quickie is a much more realistic plan to cap off one of our modern full-production-number weddings where the happy couple are effectively hosting a huge party and are expected to expend a lot of energy on it," Queen explains. "Get too tipsy and it is not possible to have an optimal sexy celebration together, and planning not to do it may take the pressure off and allay any sense of disappointment that might otherwise have been felt. Planning a quickie takes that disappointment right off the menu."
Kat Van Kirk, certified sex therapist and author of The Married Sex Solution: A Realistic Guide to Saving Your Sex Life, agrees. "Quickie sex can help remove the stress and expectation of sex, especially wedding night sex," she says. "Quickie sex is still physical connection and a way to commemorate your wedding night. Plus it lends itself to fun, creativity and spontaneity. It doesn't have to be your default pattern but can be a great tool in helping you to enjoy your sex life for exactly what it is."
But that doesn't make a wedding-night quickie right for every newly-married couple. "For some, a quickie just will not do," says Queen. Who are these people or couples? They're the ones who "want a big perfect romance novel deflowering or Tantric ritual," Queen describes. "A quickie is just too 'normal' for this type of person, not special enough, and it's super-important to determine whether either partner has this kind of emotional build-up about the wedding night. If it makes either one truly feel like they had a substandard wedding night, that's a bad first step into the marriage."
Plus, if you don't talk about your quickie plan before the big day, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment, Van Kirk points out. "If you don't discuss it as a couple ahead of time, one of you may interpret that a wedding night quickie could only be a negative thing, and who needs to start their wedded bliss like that?" Van Kirk says. So if you can't talk about wanting a quickie up-front with your partner, it's probably best not to plan for one.