Photo: Rennie Solis
Emily Morse is a sexologist, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, and co-founder of the intimate care line Emily & Tony. She has a doctorate in human sexuality and is the author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight and a weekly cohost of the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline With Dr. Drew Pinsky. Here she shares some advice with our friends over at Glamour.
I am dealing with a real sex-istential crisis and could use your help. I am almost 30 years old and have had plenty of sexual partners over the years, but I've just come to the alarming realization that I've never really enjoyed sex! All of my friends LOVE sex and are always sharing their hottest hookup stories, which makes me feel even more insecure about my lack of sexual abilities. I want to start having amazing sex, but I have no idea what to do or where to start.
You know what they say about a crisis: It presents the perfect opportunity to do rebuild and do something different. Sexual confidence can take time to develop, but if you take these simple steps toward a new sexual perspective, you can learn to love sex and feel amazing about your performance.
See More: Things That Kill Your Sex Drive
1. Master Your Own Pleasure
No matter how many partners you've had (or haven't had) you need to take things into your own hands, literally. It's well documented that women who masturbate frequently are more sexually confident and have more satisfying sex lives because you know how to give yourself pleasure. It's time to log some regular solo time where your only mission is to figure out what makes you feel good.
2. See Yourself as Sexy
It's essential to see yourself as the beautiful, sexual being you are. So let's try a little exercise together: If I asked you to name one time when you felt truly sexy, what would you say? Bear with me here. This is important.
Every woman has at least one moment stored in her memory where she felt undeniably desirable. Even if the moment was fleeting, do your best to extricate what exactly you were feeling at the time. Perhaps you felt sexy the time you nailed the perfect date outfit or when you shared a sexy kiss on the beach with that summer fling. Now it's time to build on these memories, and take elements from them to help you create even sexier ones.
Go lingerie shopping, put on that one perfect dress that fits you just right, get a blowout, or whatever you need to feel extra sexy. Then walk around your room, look in the mirror, and get used to the idea that you = sexy.
3. Ask for What You Want
Part of the reason you might not have had amazing sex in the past could be that you were playing the game without knowing the rules. You have to know where you're going— and how to get there— as it's unlikely someone will show up, read your mind, and do everything right from the get-go. Your partner(s) may have assumed that since you were both at the party, you were having an equally good time. But now that you're armed with your well-earned sexual knowledge and confidence, you have the ability to communicate your specific needs and desires to your next partner.
Yes— communicating your desires is the key, and if you can do that, you will soon be on your way to asking for and getting what you really want. So channel your sexy side, get into the moment, ask for what you want, and then just remember these six little words: "Now let's try it like this..."
You'll be on the road to the most memorable, incredible sex of your life.