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Whether you dream of a secret rendezvous with Ryan Gosling, or he wouldn't mind exploring a little light bondage in the bedroom, it's normal to have sex fantasies even after you're married — and it's a very good thing to share them with your spouse.
"When spouses talk about their sexual fantasies, they learn very intimate things about each other," explains Sari Locker, Ph.D., sex educator at Columbia University and author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex. "The more your share your sexual fantasies, the more your spouse will understand your thoughts about sex." For example, she says, "perhaps your spouse never knew you had such a wild imagination, and maybe he or she would love to explore some fantasies with you."
But what happens when you initiate an open-and-honest talk about your sexual desires only to find you can't stomach your mate's sexual fantasy? First, remember that "fantasies never need to be acted out," Locker says. "If someone feels uncomfortable with the idea of a fantasy, then it should not be acted out."
It's OK to calmly express your discomfort to your spouse, but it's equally important to let the issue go. "It's important to be able to move on after you hear a fantasy, without it sticking in your mind all the time," Locker explains. "Simply enjoy the sex life you've always had, without feeling pressured by the fantasy."
Instead, Locker advises, "discuss all the things that you know you enjoy sexually, so you can highlight those aspects of your sex life. Eventually the fantasy will fade into the background again, and the things you've always loved will shine in your sex life."