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Every week, we give our readers a glimpse inside the mindset of a guy's brain on weddings with the help of the hilarious and smart editors at The Plunge. Here, they're revealing some of the common wedding-planning questions guys are dying to know, but are too scared to ask.
If your groom nods along apathetically to everything instead of putting forth any worthwhile questions, it's because he's either too lazy, too stupid, or too embarrassed to ask. Lazy and stupid, you're pretty much on your own. Embarrassed, we can try to help. Here are seven things we secretly want to know.
Do we really need a wedding planner?
Outsourcing responsibility good. Spending more money bad. Especially when we're not even sure if this planner is doing anything we couldn't be doing ourselves. If you're telling us we can afford it, then we can probably get past the cost. What we can't get past is the mountain of new options and ideas you'll suddenly have, which could mean even more for us to do.
Wait, a "bridal gift?" Then what was that ring I gave you?
This could be the greatest racket you brides have going. This gift is like Atlantis or the Fountain of Youth. We're told it exists, but we've never seen it and it's a total mystery. The worst part is the only person who can tell us what to get you is you, but having you tell us completely voids the sentiment. Do us both a favor and drop copious hints.
Can't we just have Jake DJ? And isn't your cousin like a photographer?
Some guys really just don't want to help plan anything. The rest of them have at least a shred of self respect and would never think about putting something as important as the music in the hands of someone like Jake. We're embarrassed just thinking that a guy might even be thinking these questions, but someone somewhere is, and he should be ashamed.
Do they serve shots?
Don't give us that look! People go to weddings for two reasons: 1. They theoretically care about the couple getting married, and 2. Having top-shelf food and booze served to you until you have to be rolled out of the building is awesome. Our guests should have no issues getting whatever they want at the bar. Asking this question doesn't make us a lush; it makes us a caring individual — just the kind of guy you always knew you wanted to marry.
Do we really have to spend that much on invitations?
Withholding this question probably isn't as much about embarrassment as it is about picking our battles. Just know we're thinking it (and yeah, we are just a little ashamed to share the same opinion on this as one of history's most notorious cheapskates).
Can't we just elope?
Think of how far that wedding budget could go towards a house, or our future child's education, or, like, a Playstation. Imagine all the family strife and stress we'll save ourselves. And it'll be just us — what's more romantic than that? Yikes, this is a tough sell. No wonder we're afraid to ask.
Do we really have to keep talking about this?
We love you, but all this planning is exhausting. Besides, we're hardly helping you at all. It's embarrassing.