Photo: Alison Conklin Photography
Every week, we give our readers a glimpse inside the mindset of a guy's brain on weddings with the help of the hilarious and smart editors at The Plunge.
Look, we get it. The best man's job isn't exactly rocket science. Hold the rings, give a speech, goodbye and good luck. And for whatever reason — he's totally disorganized, he drinks too much, he still thinks fart jokes are hilarious — you don't like him. Fine. But that doesn't mean he's not important to our wedding. Please allow us to change your mind.
You want us to match.
Yes, your color choices determine the look, but it's on this guy to make sure the gang all coordinates. He'll send the check-in e-mails to ensure they know their measurements, have picked up their tuxes, and have remembered to pack them for the plane. (Seriously, it happens.) That reminds us...
We don't like herding cats.
And unless you've recently taken up a strange hobby we're not aware of, neither do you. Our best man will wrangle the rest of our (equally disorganized and drunk) groomsmen — make sure they're in the right place at the right time, figure out that damn bow tie, switch off their cell phones, and keep the flasks hidden.
When else do we get our own body man?
Every U.S. President has a body man to constantly be by his side, make all key arrangements, provide a quick snack, straighten his tie — basically to do everything but floss his teeth and, well, we won't go there. Our best man provides us this service for the one day of our life when we are the head of state, enabling us to focus on the most important thing: you.
He's like a good pair of slippers.
When we start to freak, this is the guy who will talk us down from the ledge, reassure us, pat us on the shoulder and get us back in the game. He's the confidant who will patiently listen — without judgment — to our complaints, confessions, bitching, and questions. And he takes it all in stride. Doesn't get much more vital than that.
He's an emcee in a pinch.
Unlikely? Sure. Undesirable? Absolutely. But If the band cancels, a good best man will step in and crack a few jokes, get the crowd to the dance floor, and introduce the key players so the party can go on as planned. (Okay, we admit that's a stretch. Moving on.)
We want all those gifts.
At the end of the night, when we're hammered and have long forgotten about the mountain of wedding presents on that table over there (where was it?), our trusty best man will have monitored the goods, guarded the stash, and made a plan to transport it somewhere safe. And speaking of the end of the night...
When it's time to go it's time to go.
Our best man can help out with our luggage, transportation, hotel checkout, and tying up any loose ends with the vendors or reception hall before we get the hell out of dodge. In other words, the best man is most vital to our wedding because..
Someone gets the shaft.
The best man needs to eat dirt and pretend he just can't wait for seconds! He does anything and everything else that's asked of him because that's what bros do.