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The honor of saying a few words to pay tribute to your favorite couple is not to be taken too lightly, nor too seriously. But with a dash of humor, a handful of well-placed anecdotes, and a dose of respect for your friend's lifelong commitment to her hubby, your speech will receive its fair share of laughter, tears, and applause — so long as you avoid mentioned the following nine things:
1. "Back when [insert bride's name here] was single and came home with a different date every night ..."
Any reference to your chum's string of one-night stands or more dubious singleton traditions is a surefire way to bring the celebration to a screeching halt.
2. "Though we disliked your husband at first ..."
Keeping criticism of your friend's life partner to a minimum is always a safe bet, unless you wish to be excluded from all future celebrations with the couple.
3. "No one thought this day would come!"
Discussing how you thought your friend would become the caricature of a jaded spinster is not the proper way to commemorate the joyous life landmark that is her wedding.
4. "I made a bet you would end up with your high school sweetheart, but I guess I'm out $200!"
The last thing a bride wishes to hear on her wedding day is a reminder of her past relationships.
5. "I suppose I'm your only unmarried friend now; cheers to that!"
No matter your relationship status, the focus should be on the bride and groom beginning their union, not your online dating woes.
6. "Today is indeed a day of celebration, because I just got engaged/found out I'm expecting/nailed my job interview!"
Your friend's wedding isn't about your success; it is about hers.
7. "Thank goodness the wedding planning is over, because you were in danger of becoming quite the bridezilla!"
Planning a wedding — and agreeing to join one partner in holy matrimony for all your days to come — is a fairly demanding undertaking. Give the bride — and her groom — a break, and focus the couple's positive traits.
8. "Now that you have the old ball and chain, I guess we won't be seeing you at impromptu happy hours and clubs anymore!"
Insinuating that married couples lead insipid or dull lives is not only false; it is also one of the oldest jests in the book. If you're going to tease the couple, at least make your comment fresh and novel.
9. "Way to prove online dating haters wrong!"
It's not your job to mercilessly mock the way your friend met her partner, whether it was using modern technology like Tinder or OkCupid, or at her local dry cleaner. However, including sweet meet-cute jests in your speech are well within your rights as a wedding guest and BFF.